This is something I wrote just yesterday. One day I hope to put these lines as lyrics with music, but I may not ever have that kind of time again (definitely not soon) For now they’re just lines for my own comfort.
Maybe I should keep away…
No more quiet, no more needing and needing in silence.
Turn one day until weeks-
Until “away”can be all to expect from me.
But I chose the side
That, for everyone else but myself, was right
And I’m losing her.
Maybe this can be easier…
Forgive my failure, forgive the love and light
All this time I’ve wasted begging you were.
Keep away long enough and you will
Forget who you cannot find.
You forget and move beyond our divide-
You forget there was ever a life.
Glenwood Gardens, spring 2013– Photos I took about a month ago, just as the warm weather was returning with leaves opening to the sun. It was also the day a random stranger- an art photographer walking that day- asked me to pose for his collection. The lavender shaded trees at the end of this slide were near the site he chose for my photo. It was very beautiful that day.
I’ve made it through my first week on my new job. I like the work I’m doing, how I’m mainly responsible for my own tasks and have no one else’s judgment to worry about or rely on. I had a difficult first few days during training, but more due to the crisis I was having emotionally. I underestimated how much the stress of this change would overwhelm me. I’m grateful I had an appointment with my doctor before I made any decisions. He gave me another medication that is working very well, and what we discussed made a mark in mind that I hope to talk further about in two weeks time.
I won’t be the one to say things are finally looking up and all will be well, but I got through the first week. That is more than enough for now.
For So Little.
Their presence, made known.
Well they spoke by fierce shifting’s of wind.
The others, above and underworld,
Demand to be let in.
For each to stake their claim –
To make their case, settle in and have their ways
Before this spirit has chance to rise
From its final breath, be shaken dim
Its spark of life.
The desperate moment we are given a taste…
The beauty of that aged ache soullessness creates.
A glimpse past the disadvantage of human eyes –
Bridged finally within mind,
Punishment and promise defined.
I’m waiting to hear back about an interview I had on Friday. I was feeling really great about my chances, but as usual with any good feelings, it was short lived. Things are complicated at home also. My doctor mentioned something I was already reading up on called Expressed Emotion that has given me insight into what’s probably going on between my mother and I and the anger/disappointment I sense just beneath the surface from her so often. I know it’s not easy putting up with my coldness and low moods and I wish she was honest with me about just how frustrated she truly is. I’m so sorry to still be this sort of burden to her. As all over the place as I am in trying to regulate my own emotions, from the food restrictions and over exercising I can’t stop- to remembering my medication each night, it’s wearing me out worrying about every move I make around her and the rest of my family.
Nothing I’m supposed to mention though. The point of all is once again losing me.
There are several plant and butterfly photos I have yet to share here, but I’m just starting a new painting and didn’t want to post an old one, so I thought these photos (bonsai trees) would do. The one at the bottom took a while to get used to for how creepy it struck me once I’d gotten home and looked over my shots. Anyway, the poem is years old and was written during the winter months. Just placing it here since I’d never before planned an image to pair it with.
Blandness against my eye
Of the winter sunrise-
Expecting far too much from me
To get ahead of hours when I have no where to go
Sitting here with heat from the vent burning my toes
Rooted like an old great tree
We watch all forms of life fold and peel away
Including each other—
Both without our ways to move
Why fight for what I clearly was not meant to have?
For the light to give them up, the shadows never asked…
Nothing can be safe
When all will do what it will to
Have its way
I’m starting a new job Monday, regular schedule for the week of training. I’m at rock bottom, only interested in finding whatever could be left to gain. Maybe by next week everything will be different, in a good way finally…