I have a small 5 x 7 pad of sketch paper that I’ve used for little flower paintings like this. The size makes them easier to send through mail when I decide to give them away.
I called in my absence at work last night to cover today’s overtime. Six days a week has been the normal for several weeks and I’m getting really sick of postponing my plans. There isn’t much respect for our personal lives so I have to take care of this myself with making that personal time a priority. We don’t get these days back, so I’m often now deciding what is worth more: my time or the hours given for money I have little time to spend…
I really need to get away. Find someway to reconnect to what has significance to me.
This is a collage I did on the cover of a large sketch book I’m using as my new journal. I spent the last night of 2015 finishing the old one.
I have drawings ready to paint and a new one to get a photo of. Just waiting for the sun to come back. Waiting for something to go right in every other corner of life. I’ve recently gotten a bunch of hoops to jump through for just an interview with this hospital. Beginning each day feeling burned out already-not time to repair-no capability…
Ehh…the days are getting longer little by little. I’ll be there.
I have posted this in the past some years back, but it is what I’ve been feeling. All day and night, unspoken, unwritten and what I’ve tried to keep contained. But when you have a mind that is not always on your side, I could try anything and it would not be enough to leave me totally safe.
I just feel like letting go. Every time this happens, what else do I do but ignore it and try again to get by. I always make it through, but for what exactly? I’m actually begging for a real answer to hang on to. Always another thing, to save my life. And I am getting tired of it.
Art is what I strive for. Fearing I’ll never be able to make the moment happen again where I see the finished work that all my energy has gone into, I approach each project with it clearly in mind that it could be my last. A real fear that one day I won’t be able to even try.
But I am still working. Pained by how slowly these things are coming together, but they are. And I’m still here with a bit of hope as Spring tries to show itself finally. If I pray at all anymore, it is only for that. Real hope that for once will not fail me.
This is the first portrait I’ve drawn in long months so it’s probably more off than I’d be comfortable with had I kept practice. I started it just because I thought it was a shame I’ve drawn so many portraits of people I’ll never meet and never took care for those among me. My mother is overly critical of her appearance and it hurts me to hear the harshness and true dislike. Something must have been said to her long ago that’s just rooted itself into her mind and thoughts about who she is and her self worth. Just my guessing there, but I wonder if something similar didn’t happen to me and I’m not realizing it, or know it would hurt too much to find out.
Anyway, this is complete and I plan to give her both the original and this print version as a gift sometime soon. This week’s studying has been a monster and I hardly have time for a meal, yet somehow between leaving work in the morning and late nights I got this portrait done…lol I’ve really appreciated her extra support lately, especially as we prepare for the art walk next month. I haven’t seen her so enthusiastic to be a part of something I’ve chosen to do in a long time and it’s nice.
I will probably disappear for another week or two so that I can focus on what I’m trying to learn. It’s going okay. The pressure is on me though and I hope I remember this is not as life or death as the moments lead me to feel. I chose this and just need to see it through no matter what the outcome…
This is something I wrote just yesterday. One day I hope to put these lines as lyrics with music, but I may not ever have that kind of time again (definitely not soon) For now they’re just lines for my own comfort.
Maybe I should keep away…
No more quiet, no more needing and needing in silence.
Turn one day until weeks-
Until “away”can be all to expect from me.
But I chose the side
That, for everyone else but myself, was right
And I’m losing her.
Maybe this can be easier…
Forgive my failure, forgive the love and light
All this time I’ve wasted begging you were.
Keep away long enough and you will
Forget who you cannot find.
You forget and move beyond our divide-
You forget there was ever a life.