“Death is not the greatest loss in life.
The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”
I’m working on a mother’s day gift at the moment. What comes next for me is being left for another time to worry about. It’s exhausting to care. I have a job, a roof over my head and parents who have not yet kicked me out of the house and disowned me for my past mistakes. I see blessings where they happen and if/when my sickness causes me to unsettle again, this time right now where I’m being constructive and better will do enough in getting me through.
This is just some hope I’m putting out there. Next time will come and I’ll need to hang on somehow…
Some recent sketches, two of which I intend to paint.
My birthday was Saturday. Making it 25 years is not what I saw even just two years ago. And I’m surprisingly not upset at all about being wrong. Someone at work caught me off guard Friday morning with a small gift with a card. His thoughtfulness was very unexpected, so I’m returning it with my own small gift (a small painting on a porcelain disk I did months back) and card.
I never grew up celebrating birthdays with much more than a piece of cake or a favorite meal, and this year was no different except I threw in seeing a movie as well. I went for a short tram tour at Spring Grove cemetery yesterday called “Angels of the Grove” and got a few photos of sculptures I’ve never come across before during my own trips there and I look forward to sharing those.
More music and paintings are in progress. I’m ready for November.
Some happier images to share….This has been a really long three months.
I have one more week of class. Review day. My exam is next Saturday at 8am. Five hours and forty minutes to take the test and then I will finally be able to breathe.
At this point I don’t care what the outcome is. Sure I will do my best (I’ve read the whole text and taken my practice final twice over now), but I need to get this over with now and move on.
Last week I asked to be placed on call with the store I work at. The hours were being cut down to the point it was a waste of gas for me to bother going out there. At least now I can still say I am indeed employed still as I apply and interview elsewhere. I know I will find something eventually. Better? Who knows, but surely something.
I set up a therapy appointment for yesterday, mainly for another prescription but also to update with all that’s been going on. But as I was going on about something, my doctor interrupted with asking if there was any particular reason I was there. I took it as an indication I was wasting his time, felt embarrassed, said I didn’t need to stay, got the script and left quite early.
I know I exist in my own bubble, isolated from others ever knowing what I do or why. And I suppose I’m so out of practice with describing my thoughts to others that it must sound to him like I’m talking in circles about nothing at all.
It’s all fine though. I’m going to taper the medication, stop all together soon after and then see how well I can handle life with nothing and no one. That is my sentence and I’m going to have to be okay with that or allow it to kill me. None of this is worth the struggle anymore.
Can’t wait to get back to my art…
This is part of what I will be sharing next weekend at the show.
Smaller painted pins.
Crafty pins: buttons / beads / paint /fabric.
My display board for the art walk.
Thursday we set up and Friday at 6pm is the opening night.
I have to admit, I’ve been stressing. I’m probably doing too much for two evenings that may not leave me feeling it was worth all this effort. Old habits and thoughts have been springing up as I hear myself saying ‘it needs to be just right’. I’m a perfectionist and when nothing seems right, something in me would rather destroy all that is than settle with what I can’t control.
So, I’m taking a break the next few days and will make time for my piano and writing again. Preventing a down turn in mood and coping behaviors, I will try to stay ahead of the worse moments.
Today I am 24. My older brother called from Florida to wish me a happy birthday this morning, which has never happened. I was brought up not to think of a birthday as a big thing deserving of much acknowledgement at all, so I never expect others to even remember. It’s personal and all I do is reflect on how differently my circumstances are from the year before at this time. Wondering if I’ve done well or worse, if I mean more or mean less to others…I still feel the weight for knowing I used to never think I would have lived on to this point.
Just some thoughts. I’m okay and at peace right now and that means everything I need it to. Here above is part of an entry from my art journal that I do still add to whenever I think of it. And below is one of the first watercolor practice pieces, weeks old now. I look forward to time soon to work on something more.
These are both recent watercolor paintings. I know the point of using watercolor is its translucent/transparent quality and I pretty much disregarded any rules, but I thought I may learn to like working with it better if I could create something I didn’t all together hate. I had to get through the frustration watercolor causes me and have a little fun at the expense of attention toward developing perfect skills. So anyway, these were fun.
This first week of work (thank God I only go part time) truly tested me. The grip over my social anxiety has definitely improved as I didn’t panic and run when I encountered customers with questions. And I get along great with my department team mate.
But I also realize during the moments I was overwhelmed with stress, the familiar life/death, all or nothing set up took over my mind. I realize I’ve come to consider myself just as disposable as these jobs begin to feel the instant I’m made aware that all isn’t and won’t be the way I’d expected. Disappointment throws me far back still, especially when my own expectations are the true cause.
Just waiting for another day where I’m honestly happy to wake up and live again.
“When the knife reaches bone, your life must change.”
– Rumi:Bridge to the Soul pg.49
This painting has a spray painted background. I wanted to work in a way I never have before.
One week unemployed and I’ve already got an interview this coming Monday. I’m not saying there is nothing to worry about, but I am realizing nothing will be exactly as I’ve known before and I’m not allowing fear to run me off before I have a chance to gather a plan and rely on my own skills. That those skills may be enough to get me through safely if not actually better off.
Family has been in town. I’ve had some new experiences and despite the heavy moods that grip me unexpectedly from time to time, I’m coping with the transition well. I’ve tried and will just keep trying.