Recorded just this past winter. I finally have the nerve to share. Despite the subject matter of the lyrics here, I’m doing okay. Beginning the second week as a “Coding Specialist”…lol I have to get used to that title being one I can now claim. If I get the hang of my duties, I’ll be able to work half day on Fridays, leaving time to record new music. So glad of it…
A new painting finally :) A lot has been going on, but it’s good overall. I’m still working and trying not to allow myself to feel trapped. The meds are still working. Therapy is still going well. I’m faltering a bit on the affirmations, but nothing I can’t regain.
I’m taking more challenges and the next one is attending a church service this Sunday. My uncle goes to this particular place every week and he loves it and said he would meet me there in the morning. This Sunday is my birthday and doing something so different I hope will set me up for a year of other opportunities to go beyond my boundaries and fear. I am not religious, but I’ve been advised to try this out to see if the sense of community/acceptance can be given a chance to reach me. I’ve admitted to feeling stuck in isolation, as if I’m the biggest fool for thinking it will end. And those thoughts dig the grave deeper than it ever needs to be. I can’t live in this position any longer. It’s better to risk everything now and be destroyed by it than endure the same hesitations that have already taken enough of my life.
Besides the service on Sunday, I’m going out to eat an expensive dinner and dessert somewhere and not care about the money for once. Not the money, the calories, the crowd and the Monday to follow will disturb me. Then I’m coming home to continue practice with the new digital keyboard I bought myself earlier this month (I still have the piano, but now I can practice any time, day or night and not wake the house with my noice…lol). Forgetting bits and pieces of songs I used to know like the back of my hand is what pushed me to make the purchase and I don’t regret it at all.
Anyway, I didn’t expect to see 26. This will stay with me.
I’m going to stop talking so much about the day to day now. With no one waiting for me and no goal to reach, right now is the only thing worth worrying about. The therapist I work with now gave me a task of deciding on some affirmations to keep in mind. I was surprised focusing on them actually did work to push me along a little further than my will usually goes. I took the advice seriously though. I really have no choice now.
I am an active, assertive, sincere and worthy woman.
Say it enough and it will begin not to feel so much like a lie I’m, I hope. Considering before my actions if they are what an assertive or sincere woman would do. How active in life and doing what would make one feel worthy…
It’s given me a lot of good to think about. I’m glad.
Thank goodness I have found such a helpful therapist. I was so scared any continuance of treatment with someone new would likely show a few bad fits before the right person was settled on. But I don’t have to stress about it. I’m being given practical things to help me get a grip on my ruminations and the many habits that have taken on a life of their own.
And today I just really needed to talk. I’ve felt thrown away but the reasons don’t mach up because no one has dropped me. But I made the choice not to continue with the choir (various reasons, but mainly due to a change in location of rehearsals). Noticing I’m not someone they’d care to fight very hard to keep anyway. I was willing to bear another year of feeling out of place and being the odd ball in the group if it meant I could still sing and be part of working toward the next performance. But it also meant another year of schedule conflicts with work and never volunteering to go the extra mile with activities that didn’t involve singing…the guilt over these things. Feeling it all was a burden to me when I truly didn’t want that.
Then I met with the psychiatrist, barely for 10-15 minutes. After saying everything’s been good/well and the rest of what you know they want to hear, and then out the door I was with five months worth of refills and another appointment not until February. Yeah, if I make it there.
Anyway, I am getting my D.C. pictures together. My favorite moment was exploring the Smithsonian. Seeing the only Leonardo Da Vinci painting in North America in person was just too cool…lol Free access to the gallery of art and they let you take pictures! I couldn’t believe all the museums were free to walk into. I could just live in that entire space of the National Mall getting lost in those museums…lol
Until next time :)
I came back from the Washington D.C. bus tour this past Monday, ill in mind and body. I felt so broken and tired when I got back home and tried to get ready for work the next day. Well when I woke up Tuesday I had a nasty cold and did call in. Spent that time at home applying for other jobs.
I’m all over the place really. There is not time to have a complete thought with creating anymore art works and waking up seems like it’s part of an awful punishment I’m sentenced to. Who would want to go about their days like this? I am learning so much more about personality disorders and the challenges ahead to change patterns that cause more problems and I wonder if it’s too hopeful of me to think what changes I make will mean something worthwhile. I feel like I’m always too late for anyone’s faith in me.
The psychiatrist has written me 5 months worth of drugs and I don’t have to see him again until February. I cringe to think about what I will be like by that time. Will I still be here trying, or will that be an appointment I choose to cancel after choosing to quit treatment? Choosing to quit trying to untangle the knot I’ve made of my life? The new therapist has help enough by challenging the difficult person I step into his office as. Treating me like I’m flesh and blood and not a wad of garbage I consider myself.
I just mean to say I need another way to go about this living. I’ve given up the choir’s demands and have stuck in there with working a job I’m nearly driven mad by. And there is no one to talk to. And night sets in and doesn’t ease up when the sun does.I’m afraid that darkness may be the only thing I ever have holding onto me, as no one else is able to.
This is one very early drawing. I was really into swirls and thorny vines.
This is the first week in a few where the morning sadness sends me out the door to work in tears. Heading down the driveway with fear and dread as if I’m about to go and face my death. ‘How am I going to get through this?’ in mind.
I’m okay though. Giving in to it. Some things…most things I cannot change and have to hope luck, the right people and the right time comes around. I’ll never know what I really want, but it gets easier when you stop trying to fit where you were never meant to be.
I have vacation days coming up in September. Four days on a Washington D.C tour with relatives and then an extra day to recoup. August has been one bad dream with no real days of rest (I’ve had to work on into my weekends.) Hopefully the rest of the year will ease up…Hopefully I won’t still be working here come next year.
Like taking in a breath of fresh air…That’s just what it brings to my mind.
I’ve had three sessions so far with my new therapist. The goal is to help me change the way I consider myself when around others–less negative self talk, which only helps me get in my own way. But there is no real life as I go about my days, you know? I get through, barely keeping my head above water, and all to say at the end it’s for no reason.The emptiness is killing me.
I’m thinking about stopping all of this treatment. My personality is too fixed now and I felt settled after this last session that I may be a total waste of time. He has no idea how hopeless I’ve become.
And no one else cares even the slightest. And I don’t want them to now. I don’t need to be taught how to lie to myself. Maybe nothing can make me feel better. And I’m okay with that now too. I want to say goodbye and walk away so badly. I dream of that. With no way or need to go back. It would be nice to not wish my life away any longer. The past is all the proof needed that I didn’t deserve one anyway.
Now if I can be open enough to share this whole bit, he may just agree. I may just be right.