Running Out of Ways
Oh my, I forgot to breathe.
My thoughts have drawn so deep.
Allow a little more room please.
You safety will no longer do.
See, I am just running out of ways
To pretend I am brave.
To keep my fears contained.
I hang my life on every word they say.
The sketch of this was posted some weeks ago. Finally got it out of the way and I’ll be looking for a frame for it now to hopefully take it with me to the art walk. I’ll have a bit of a flower theme going on I think since several other pieces are also blooms.
I’m getting a little nervous now, too. My mother and I both have invited people and I have two so far who have confirmed days they’ll stop by. Nothing will be as it’s been planned in my head to obsess over, and the very fact others are interested is more than enough for me. But I have thoughts here and there about not being/having enough or being far less than impressive some how. Silly things to waste mental energy on, I know, especially with the class I’m so absorbed with. I just hope everything goes smoothly. Being a first time participant is what’s getting me I think. Being new has always been difficult for me to cope with…lol
Today was a rough day. Nothing went right from the moment I got up, but at least it was warm outside, and not raining. I framed some more paintings, played a new song on my piano that worked out well…Nothing more I need.
The song below is new and one I had fun putting together:
This voice is still a child.
This soul loses itself amid the
Myriad shades of gray.
Here and there, creates a face,
And begs the god she’s found her place.
To settle in as human.
To rest – content to stay.
Nothing would mean more
If not so soon she’s run away.
These are photos I took back in July while outside at my family reunion. I had to get away for a little while and found some peace in looking up at the clouds that day.
A new poem song below. I was feeling weak when I recorded this and you can hear it in my voice, but it fits for the moment it was written–when I was trying to get through something that felt impossible to beat. I say I wish I could go back and fix all that I’ve ruined, but I don’t mean it anymore. It wouldn’t make me worth anything more to those in my life and I would still have difficulty forgiving myself as I do now.
To Wish Upon
Let go of the night.
But I would breathe again if I
Could just keep closed my eyes
And be safe and found
And be filled with the sound of sky…
The hidden space of time before time,
Before life…before light…
If I could just keep closed my eyes.
I’ve enrolled in a water color class set to being early September. One night a week for about two months. I’ve been discussing a lot in my sessions about how I’ve lived so far without fun or enjoyment of my own life ever in mind. I do things that I think are expected of me rather than building decisions around what future I want for myself (something I’ve never seriously given thought to). So having made this choice to take a class for something I’m actually interested in was a big step for me. There’s always risk of regret, especially when I feel undeserving to begin with, but I am looking forward to the class and hope enough others are registered to see it through.
Just part of the acoustic arrangement for the song Lost In Paradise. I was excited I actually put together something by ear for the most part (I’ve found no complete sheets for the acoustic version I wanted, so I did what I could).
These sketches just belong together.
I wrote the poem below weeks ago after discussing something with my doctor that still leaves me feeling like I’ll endlessly be ramming into a brick wall as long as I’m alive. But anyway, I put that anger into these lines and tried, but failed by the results, to sing them how I meant. What else is new… My music is still a huge secret when I think about the time – something only I really know/care and have to obsess over. It’s keeping me though, whether or not the more days I have are a waste, some ideas aren’t letting me go quite yet.
You say no.
Too much I am.
It’s far too much I ask –
That you listen and respond,
Give me worth and grace me with your words
When I’m broken and begging you to mean the world.
Exhausted with my sickness, aren’t we all?
I promise you, it won’t happen again.
I promise I’ll do better to pretend I have no choice
But to survive,
Be strong enough to live up to this lie…
I must believe in what I’ve lost faith in –
Be against all that I trust.
When the silence and great distance are all that
I’ve ever known of love.
A recent photo at sunrise and a self-portrait. Below is a song with more personal meaning from what it may appear to be about. A lot of time was spent just reflecting and I wrote what I felt.
We Are Distant
My dear, my love
Or the one I’m supposed to love
The one I don’t know enough
What have I done? What have I let happen?
When you reach I don’t feel you near me
I don’t see you crying
I don’t hear you bleed
I don’t hear you in me
We are distant,
But I would never forget the reason
How far we’ve gone
And what we have become
I would never forget the reason
My dear, my love
Something I wrote and sang one day to try and feel better.
Emptied of my strength
I don’t care if you want me anymore
And forget the freedom I’ve waited for
I am ghost-like and worn
Faithless at the sight of my open door
The freedom I’ve waited for…
I want no more.