Tag Archives: social anxiety

All Seeing

I used paint, scrap book paper, a few shreds of fabric, frayed string and yarn.

Just wanted to work with some different ideas and do a mix media sort of piece. I’m working slowly on several other projects in between work and trying to rest my mind as best I can. I made it through one week of full time work, getting used to the schedule and familiarized with at least people’s faces if not their names all the way yet…If I can make it to my 30 day review, it will mean something huge to me in where I’m at with treatment/recovering this life.

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Filed under Life

Disappointment…

Complete disappointment, from many different angles. From people using or manipulating you to the bad advice from others or yourself that you never want to hear but it is repeated over and over anyway. But that’s just my interpretation of it (for today..lol).

Let Down

Trust swindled me of a soul

I was above the trance of these other sheep

But I see what they’ve done

Every smile I perceived was a fallacy

To ever think I was enough….


I am swathed in botched self confidence

A boring balance of undesired range

It’s my own disillusionment forcing me to change

It’s the beady way they looked at me

With flickering disdain….


This is the life of the broke and used

I am beneath with the fragments of an unfulfilled wish

Fast pace confusion gave its old opinion

Shriveled experience poured out its dust of a vision

Its wisdom and wounds, without a reason

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Filed under Life, pain, people, personal, poems, poetry, politics, social anxiety, Thoughts

Poem titled “Leave Me”

Cheap in my silence

Unraveled and desire-less

My hopeless despondence

Existence of somnolence

 

Dreams of a sickened mind

Where all is blood and death

When pain keeps the soul alive

I yearn, the safe of darkness

 

A dearly met impulsive sting

For a moments honest peace

Leave me in this daze.

Leave me spilled beneath my blade.

 

 

I think it’s got to be more than just social anxiety now. I’ve gotten too comfortable with avoidance and I don’t think I can change how I feel about it. Avoiding social interaction just keeps the pain and distress low. I like being alone over being around others, but I know as well as anyone else that it can not be this way forever. Anyway, I’ve gone numb and it’s hard to write again. How many pathetic times will I say that….

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Filed under Art, dark, Life, numbness, pain, personal, poems, poetry, social anxiety, Thoughts

Part One

About a month ago I finished writing a weird group or collection of lines (it’s nameless, with three parts so far). You could call it poetry, or prose or whatever seems most fitting, but I wrote it with a focus on better imagery and a more striking use of it. It ties in how I feel about myself going through therapy and how my self image has been in dealing with social anxiety. Sometimes I don’t think people around-family specifically- understand how inadequate I feel about actually living this life. I don’t they have any real idea actually. So I’ll just say that this was a release. I didn’t hold back.

  

I dispute; they say my pain is not that bad

They laugh, as I tear myself right before their eyes

Crumbling the progress that’s been beaten into my head

The lies I am being conditioned to make part of my spirit

Wings trying to fix and lift, ignoring how much they don’t belong

 

The future sitting on the shelves, hidden away in boxes

Left un-thought about, unloved

Unpleasant, as the black ink forever fades  

I am the memory better off burned from the gray

Destroyed as young blooms swept up by gusts

 

The new bridge not trusting its own strength

Anticipatory ruin, rust, a certain bleeding

The dependable trip and stumble, what I am…..

A life through the dark, desiring to walk upon the blades I think are there

Waiting to slice through and be made unrecognizable

 

Shaking hand as it tries to write something important

Up the street, paranoid, answer of the phone

Racing heart, folded bones, when seeing the white coat

When hearing the clicks and rips of their tools and plastics

A thick scent of how much my ‘imagined’ fear hurts.  

I’ll post the other parts very soon.

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Filed under anxiety, Art, Death, Life, personal, poems, poetry, Thoughts