Never Ever Known – Original song
True, so true.
Afraid I am of you.
And I don’t know what to say.
I’ve never known a friend to stay.
Nobody is some lonely one
Hidden amongst the graves.
And just like him, I patiently wait
Just like him, I know the living aren’t safe.
You’re not safe. I tell you,
Take whatever it is you mean to take.
Hurt me, hate me, have your way. Because
I’ve never, ever known
A friend to stay.
Recorded just this past winter. I finally have the nerve to share. Despite the subject matter of the lyrics here, I’m doing okay. Beginning the second week as a “Coding Specialist”…lol I have to get used to that title being one I can now claim. If I get the hang of my duties, I’ll be able to work half day on Fridays, leaving time to record new music. So glad of it…
I Confront Day – This was drawn more than a year ago, and finally completed less than a month back. I thought it fit well to pair with a line from this poem I wrote and made a song of:
With heavy heart
I confront day.
Alone to find the way,
I have lost my words. I have lost all thought.
I feel no worth. I feel so caught between a
Past of losses and a future that will not forgive.
It has been long I’ve waited.
The need within turns to hatred.
Who I’ve become could not be more wrong.
The far beyond has heard my call.
To final breath I give my all.
With heavy heart
I take the fall.
My eighth collection of originals is finished and added to the page where the rest are. I’m sending a handful of people I have addresses to a cd of these recent pieces along with lyrics. For too long my songs have felt like having a stash of personal paintings that have never been shown- art never even given the opportunity to be seen (in this case, heard). So that’s all I’m doing. Even if no one takes a serious listen to anything or it’s instantly trashed, it settles my mind enough to know it’s out there and no longer a secret I only know of. I don’t continue singing with an expectation that it will add more to my life than it already has, and the same goes with painting. But to work on something with such focus, time and of personal significance, keeping it all to myself forever would never do. Whether or not it makes sense, for me doing that would feel wrong. I hide enough on a day to day basis. I don’t need to that with my art and I never want to.
Anyway, I think I will follow through with the choir for our Spring concert if I’m confident I’ll know the music in time. And work is…bearable. Sad to say I’m nearing just 7 months in February and it’s the longest I’ve ever worked full time…I am showing up everyday, on time and I make no excuses. This is the best I can do. Wherever it leads me to, there will be no guilt.
This song is one I sang with my choir at our fall concert last month. We learned the songwriter wrote this out of her suffering from an ear infection…lol I loved it even more for that. And it fits for times lately in my life. I’m looking down at the lyrics in this video, btw.
I have had to work 5 hours overtime for the past two Saturdays and a third next week before the holidays. Just within the last two days I’ve noticed a marked difference in my overall mood. The negative thoughts are still there, just as they ever were with my personality, but no serious lows or desire to self-harm. The dosage increase I think is having its full effect now and just in time. Hardly two weeks ago I was set on starving myself out for how overextended I’ve felt.
This past Tuesday my mother attended a therapy session with me. I thought it would be a good chance for her to learn more about what I’m trying to manage. For my psychiatrist it may have been the richest chance he’ll ever get at learning my family history and my place among the rest, but for me – as I sat there listening to them go back and forth, could not have been worse. There were moments where I actually felt outside of their presence, like it wasn’t real but more of a dream like vision happening. I wanted to wake myself up from how absurd the whole scene felt.
And then the guilt set in. There I was, my mother’s last born, dragging her through the questioning and seeing me cry and expressing how helpless she felt toward what to do when I was in distress. But when my doctor outright said “Allyson has no anchor…” to keep me living. And mentioning the possibility that “Yes, she may die “by suicide, I was speechless and unexpectedly hurt. The whole thing seemed like he’d just confirmed his lack of faith in me being anything more than this empty, loveless waste of flesh. I felt I failed him, my mother and any regard for my own expectations lost between them. Wondering what the point was in denying my way to the end. My mother knows of the possibility now of what could happen, which until that point I’d tried to protect her from. If it happens, at least it won’t surprise.
I’m okay now, though never sure for how long. My concentration has sharpened, mornings don’t bear down on me as badly and I can safely calm myself down when necessary. So, rather than waiting until a bad day comes along to take advantage of how disturbed this whole episode in therapy left me, I’m going to schedule something sooner and talk to my doctor about this. I walked out feeling like he’s not understood me one moment for the years I’ve been in treatment. I can’t accept that.
Finally some new music to share. This is a poem I modified for the simple melody I was working with one day. There is one note I sing that makes me cringe a little when I listen, but over all I think it gets across the pain underlying something personal I’m talking about.
I’m sorry you didn’t know
I buried my wings long ago.
Your unexpected, over blessed
You should have let me die.
I’m not getting this thing right.
Now pieces of a painful break…
I’m sorry when you hug me
I am numb from skin to soul.
All these years have never been.
And I’ve nothing to show.
There is a break for a few weeks from choir activities which I have to be thankful for. Other than that, I’d much rather get out of occupying my life for a while. Get out of this skin and not have to be here worrying about how to maintain. If there were only a switch to flip…I think I’d be okay long term then. But the only thing I know is how usual it is for the best options to be totally out of my reach.
That’s the title of the Fall concert I performed two shows of with the MUSE Cincinnati Women’s choir. We all worked hard toward learning our music and the shows went incredibly well. I felt comfortable up there on the stage risers with the group. I’m grateful I didn’t give up my membership before letting the outcome of the effort come through. I’m slowly getting to know the women I sing with better and becoming more familiar with the inside communication/culture.
I’m still doing the full time thing at Goodwill. I may never again have a job that pertains to any of the education I’ve gotten over the years, and I’m fine with that. As long as I can continue creating and have an outlet to express by, I’ll get by for as long as I’m meant to. Being at a more adequate dosage of medication (200 mg of Imipramine) may be helping this along too, which at least helps put my mind better at ease.
Much more music to follow…
Acrylic paints on black construction paper.
Below is the playlist for the seventh collection of original song recordings. Two or three were only given one (Noxious) or two takes due to the lack of free time I’ve had since beginning work again in July, but I’ve come a long way toward only needing a handful of recordings to have one I’m satisfied with keeping/sharing. This set has more positive moments than I would have expected before I began writing for it and I’m grateful to have reached those moments, even as the next collection already begins marking deeper lows. I still come away alive and for the near future, I’m going to accept that as being enough and leave some compassion for myself.
Lyrics are included for each song when viewed on the bandcamp page for this set: https://allysonmarie.bandcamp.com/album/the-seventh-2