Tag Archives: shame

The wait.

Some happier images to share….This has been a really long three months.

I have one more week of class. Review day. My exam is next Saturday at 8am. Five hours and forty minutes to take the test and then I will finally be able to breathe.

At this point I don’t care what the outcome is. Sure I will do my best (I’ve read the whole text and taken my practice final twice over now), but I need to get this over with now and move on.

Last week I asked to be placed on call with the store I work at. The hours were being cut down to the point it was a waste of gas for me to bother going out there. At least now I can still say I am indeed employed still as I apply and interview elsewhere. I know I will find something eventually. Better? Who knows, but surely something.

I set up a therapy appointment for yesterday, mainly for another prescription but also to update with all that’s been going on. But as I was going on about something, my doctor interrupted with asking if there was any particular reason I was there. I took it as an indication I was wasting his time, felt embarrassed, said I didn’t need to stay, got the script and left quite early.

I know I exist in my own bubble, isolated from others ever knowing what I do or why. And I suppose I’m so out of practice with describing my thoughts to others that it must sound to him like I’m talking in circles about nothing at all.

It’s all fine though. I’m going to taper the medication, stop all together soon after and then see how well I can handle life with nothing and no one. That is my sentence and I’m going to have to be okay with that or allow it to kill me. None of this is worth the struggle anymore.

Can’t wait to get back to my art…

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The Failed Result.

I ruined this piece and prefer the sketch over the mess I turned it into with trying to add shades. At least I worked out the misplaced energy through working on this. It’s a sacrifice for what I hope is better work now in progress. But with that said, I look at this and understand what I needed to say and have said before. What is on the inside will always find its way out, no matter how high one might try to hold themselves in front of others. Sometimes it makes things easier if I consider everyone might just be seeing right through me.

Five watercolors and one acrylic have been framed for what I’ll be showing at the Essex ArtWalk in May. Once I put a piece in a frame it seems to make it instantly more difficult to think of parting ways with…lol I hope I do though. It would be a first and one I’m excited to move past.

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Far From

A recent watercolor using left over color on an old palette. 

I will be starting classes for Medical Coding on the first of April. Taking another chance with school in order to try and get a better job. Even though I have little expectation for the difference it will actually make, I have to do something besides keep myself chained to a miserable dead end job and expect to survive.

In the mean time, art and music will do. I’m loosening up and accepting certain things about myself that I think I’ve been avoiding due to shame and lack of trust. More to discuss in next weeks session…It’s been a very long month away.

The poem below hints at the issue.

Of Faith

They might see and
They may love,
But I will never be quite so sure
The honesty it is made of –

For what then allows my
Shadows to let up?
Can I trust the fill of air
From moments so easy to breathe?
Can I trust the fill of faith
I will be met with all I need?

I’ve worn many faces and not one
Ever taught my soul to dream.
And although I drift among my ghosts,
Their whispers I’ve yet to heed.

Although I drift among my ghosts,
I’m far from all fears and grief.

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Meant of me.

I’ll pass the moment…

I’m sharing the video below here to help move past some major insecurities. I’m singing an a-capella version of something I wrote. I recorded with a piano arrangement, but I think I butchered the whole thing so I went back. Most of my songs start out with no music at all like this, so I thought it was a decent one to attempt by video first (I made two).

Just to explain, I’m extremely uncomfortable with fully facing any camera and always have been. Recording something in the way I have here and re-watching it leaves me very embarrassed and desperate to apologize. Just setting aside the stupid reasons behind my shame, I am sorry. Maybe one day I can play it back and not feel so disgusted.

Anyway, below is the piano arrangement of this song I mentioned before.

I’ve had a strange week. Two interviews I thought went the best I could have expected and another week spent less interested in truly hurting myself. I understand something now that I’ve needed to understand better for a long time. It doesn’t fix everything, but helps me keep the slight grasp I feel I’ve regained recently.

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Leave her…

This is just a portrait I started about three years ago for practice and never cared to finish until recently. Crayon and colored pencil and lots of deep seated lines from all the other drawings I’ve done over this old paper…lol. It’s not perfect but I didn’t want to throw it away. The little song clip below was a quick idea from weeks and weeks ago. My voice sounds strange in this particular recording, but for however bad it is (I think I was very upset during the time) I decided it was the best of an off day and never went back.

Forsake

This dream allows no one to wake,
No warmth toward this creep of blood
No freedom from this ache.

Step away.
Haven’t you heard? She is done for.

The ruin of world has never risen from her eyes
No matter the passing time.
Let us go, leave her behind.

No matter our love and lies.
Let alone,
Leave her to die.

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What now? What next…

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I feel so sorry, for my life and what I’ve allowed it to become.

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Now, be nice…

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These portraits are all years old. I’m going to make time for news ones though. The poem below is another I took the beginning and used as lyrics to go with a bit of music I’d really wanted to do something with. It’s just an idea I needed to record- one day I might go back and add to it somehow.

Your Comfort

Not too softly.
It’s always worse when you must repeat.
The flame and its constant burn –
The ache of our constant hurt has
Bitten through from beneath.

Forgive me, but I am your ever present shame
And I must have my say.
Be sure, you will love me so much more
Once I’ve gotten in your way,

Because I am your comfort.
I’ve given you your place
Lifted high, yet with far reach toward your light,
My shadows could drown out your grace.

But I honor, I obey…
And allow you to believe we should be saved.
How haven’t you been worn of hope?
Haven’t we died so many times?
Had our fill of ash and smoke?…

Loosen and let down your weary faith.
Let down this dream of which
You’ve long been awakened from.
I know all the better you thought you’d become.
Unblessed and left fallen –
Set now the sun.
Your wings have whispered sigh in settling –

Be done.

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