This is the first portrait I’ve drawn in long months so it’s probably more off than I’d be comfortable with had I kept practice. I started it just because I thought it was a shame I’ve drawn so many portraits of people I’ll never meet and never took care for those among me. My mother is overly critical of her appearance and it hurts me to hear the harshness and true dislike. Something must have been said to her long ago that’s just rooted itself into her mind and thoughts about who she is and her self worth. Just my guessing there, but I wonder if something similar didn’t happen to me and I’m not realizing it, or know it would hurt too much to find out.
Anyway, this is complete and I plan to give her both the original and this print version as a gift sometime soon. This week’s studying has been a monster and I hardly have time for a meal, yet somehow between leaving work in the morning and late nights I got this portrait done…lol I’ve really appreciated her extra support lately, especially as we prepare for the art walk next month. I haven’t seen her so enthusiastic to be a part of something I’ve chosen to do in a long time and it’s nice.
I will probably disappear for another week or two so that I can focus on what I’m trying to learn. It’s going okay. The pressure is on me though and I hope I remember this is not as life or death as the moments lead me to feel. I chose this and just need to see it through no matter what the outcome…
I cannot wait to see life again outside. I really miss trees with their leaves and the flowers in bloom…
Below is the finished project I mentioned weeks ago about working on. It’s been done for a while but I still have no title for it and I’m considering it as another piece to bring with me to the Art Walk I’m attending in May.
Although it’s a month away, I have most of my work framed and priced as I work on other small crafts to include at my table. I will admit this preparation has been a great distraction from my anxiety about class beginning this Tuesday. I have my books and I’m prepared to throw myself into hours of study and reading. I just hope my changing moods don’t cause too much of a stir. Change in any sense can be a trigger for me, so I’m trying to remain mindful and listen to my thoughts.
The final NAMI Peer-to-Peer class is Monday evening and I’m already feeling as if I’m losing people close to me. I know the feeling is out of reach from what I’m actually aware of in not being terribly close to anyone in truth, but there is an attachment and a familiarity I know I’ll deeply miss. I felt safe with the group and welcomed. The world outside has not been so kind and I don’t want to return to that isolation.
So I will just have to keep reaching out.
More music and video clips on the way….
This painting took too long to finish for my lack of energy with the details, but I’m glad I finally have the idea complete.
Lead Us To
Okay, you’ve gotten a peak.
There is something diseased
Beneath its mild and sweetly lit smile,
You know now not to speak.
Already robbed of energy –
We try to keep up pace
But today she is resistant toward me
And our obligation
To bend and lift then bend again,
Hating we’re here and with hope for
Only how all ends and when…
I don’t know where I fit
And her color changes from
Healing to certain hell,
Wishing us and all the rest be dead.
The only help of use at this phase
Would lead to and through
Our dying days.
I think my co-worker is a little uneasy with me. I let my frustration show a lot more than I thought was actually getting across, even though I tried to hide my anger the best I could. This week was so up and down…I don’t trust myself to make any decision when it’s so easy for my motivations to be swayed by how I’m feeling at any given minute. It’s difficult to sift through what I truly want from what my emotions lead me to think. My voice I don’t trust is my own.
I’m considering school again. Going back and taking classes to earn a certificate, but I can’t settle on what to take quite yet. Something that will develop my skills toward a profession I think I can live with. Doesn’t have to have anything to do with art, since I’ll never give that up no matter what I do for money, but just something I can better tolerate than what I continue to throw myself into now job to job…trading one type of hell for another.
I decided to write something that is both random and to the point. It describes stressful things, how stress feels, how it looks and what I imagine when I think of stress. It’s not meant to make perfect sense, but it’s all centered around this one thing.
Too many sunny days in a row
On and on dissatisfaction
Its widespread signature; the illness in my eyes
It is the scribble of those itchy red lines
A survivor and rarely a good thing
The caustic rain on my fresh painting
Inflamed hatred of a nightmare
Strangers walking by telling me to smile
It’s when the remedies don’t work; shot nerves
Instincts scratching at the walls
The rigid body language; superior vexation
Hangnails and blood I can’t ignore
When comfort begins to feel painful
Doves falling dead from the sky
It is success crumbling in chunks
Migraines trying to murder me
The vessels will rupture with my luck
Simply wishing that I’d never woken up