Running Out of Ways
Oh my, I forgot to breathe.
My thoughts have drawn so deep.
Allow a little more room please.
You safety will no longer do.
See, I am just running out of ways
To pretend I am brave.
To keep my fears contained.
I hang my life on every word they say.
Never Ever Known – Original song
True, so true.
Afraid I am of you.
And I don’t know what to say.
I’ve never known a friend to stay.
Nobody is some lonely one
Hidden amongst the graves.
And just like him, I patiently wait
Just like him, I know the living aren’t safe.
You’re not safe. I tell you,
Take whatever it is you mean to take.
Hurt me, hate me, have your way. Because
I’ve never, ever known
A friend to stay.
Recorded just this past winter. I finally have the nerve to share. Despite the subject matter of the lyrics here, I’m doing okay. Beginning the second week as a “Coding Specialist”…lol I have to get used to that title being one I can now claim. If I get the hang of my duties, I’ll be able to work half day on Fridays, leaving time to record new music. So glad of it…
A new painting is finished but as with everything I spend personal time on, its a simple idea is dragged out over weeks. I lose inspiration so quickly now. My full time job is draining me soulless. But that’s what we have to do. Another nobody having no real choice past choosing to survive. And I haven’t quite chosen that either. Though I am tired of not wanting my life. I’m tired of being without sustained motivation.
Thursday is the appointment with the new therapist. Already I’m worried about what might be expected of me. Maybe he’ll say I should be over needing this sort of help. Of maybe he’ll expect someone very distraught, tearful and clearly unwell. Whatever those expectations are, I just hope I don’t leave worse off than when I go in.
The last two weeks have been a strange mix of complications, guilt/self-hate, and worry. I’ll just bunch it up with saying I almost turned in a notice at my job and considered some finer details for what to do when I was finished holding onto hope. I’m being messed with along with my coworkers at work over things we can’t control. It all really shook me up and I thought I was going to be taken out of my position. And I couldn’t make it to an interview I really put faith in having meaning toward a change in these circumstances.
So, I feel like I’ve been over the edge and back again. Scaring myself and my poor mother more than I realized at the time. But things are looking up I think. She’s agreed to come to a session with me and talk to my therapist about her concerns. I hope it helps her to end the blame she tends to cast on him whenever I take a dark turn.
The good news of this week is I’ve completed several new songs I am very happy with. It’s funny how a short recording can make me feel like I accomplished something that is more important than what the truth is…Just small things extending my small life a few more quiet moments than it’s due.
Acrylic paints on black construction paper.
Below is the playlist for the seventh collection of original song recordings. Two or three were only given one (Noxious) or two takes due to the lack of free time I’ve had since beginning work again in July, but I’ve come a long way toward only needing a handful of recordings to have one I’m satisfied with keeping/sharing. This set has more positive moments than I would have expected before I began writing for it and I’m grateful to have reached those moments, even as the next collection already begins marking deeper lows. I still come away alive and for the near future, I’m going to accept that as being enough and leave some compassion for myself.
Lyrics are included for each song when viewed on the bandcamp page for this set: https://allysonmarie.bandcamp.com/album/the-seventh-2
Some recent sketches, two of which I intend to paint.
My birthday was Saturday. Making it 25 years is not what I saw even just two years ago. And I’m surprisingly not upset at all about being wrong. Someone at work caught me off guard Friday morning with a small gift with a card. His thoughtfulness was very unexpected, so I’m returning it with my own small gift (a small painting on a porcelain disk I did months back) and card.
I never grew up celebrating birthdays with much more than a piece of cake or a favorite meal, and this year was no different except I threw in seeing a movie as well. I went for a short tram tour at Spring Grove cemetery yesterday called “Angels of the Grove” and got a few photos of sculptures I’ve never come across before during my own trips there and I look forward to sharing those.
More music and paintings are in progress. I’m ready for November.