Running Out of Ways
Oh my, I forgot to breathe.
My thoughts have drawn so deep.
Allow a little more room please.
You safety will no longer do.
See, I am just running out of ways
To pretend I am brave.
To keep my fears contained.
I hang my life on every word they say.
Never Ever Known – Original song
True, so true.
Afraid I am of you.
And I don’t know what to say.
I’ve never known a friend to stay.
Nobody is some lonely one
Hidden amongst the graves.
And just like him, I patiently wait
Just like him, I know the living aren’t safe.
You’re not safe. I tell you,
Take whatever it is you mean to take.
Hurt me, hate me, have your way. Because
I’ve never, ever known
A friend to stay.
Recorded just this past winter. I finally have the nerve to share. Despite the subject matter of the lyrics here, I’m doing okay. Beginning the second week as a “Coding Specialist”…lol I have to get used to that title being one I can now claim. If I get the hang of my duties, I’ll be able to work half day on Fridays, leaving time to record new music. So glad of it…
This one was fun to arrange. It may not sound as if I’m playing very fast, but it’s a faster pace than I normally work with…lol So glad I have a digital keyboard too, for practicing in the evening with my headphones. Really gets me away from it all.
Finally some new music to share. This is a poem I modified for the simple melody I was working with one day. There is one note I sing that makes me cringe a little when I listen, but over all I think it gets across the pain underlying something personal I’m talking about.
I’m sorry you didn’t know
I buried my wings long ago.
Your unexpected, over blessed
You should have let me die.
I’m not getting this thing right.
Now pieces of a painful break…
I’m sorry when you hug me
I am numb from skin to soul.
All these years have never been.
And I’ve nothing to show.
There is a break for a few weeks from choir activities which I have to be thankful for. Other than that, I’d much rather get out of occupying my life for a while. Get out of this skin and not have to be here worrying about how to maintain. If there were only a switch to flip…I think I’d be okay long term then. But the only thing I know is how usual it is for the best options to be totally out of my reach.
Acrylic paints on black construction paper.
Below is the playlist for the seventh collection of original song recordings. Two or three were only given one (Noxious) or two takes due to the lack of free time I’ve had since beginning work again in July, but I’ve come a long way toward only needing a handful of recordings to have one I’m satisfied with keeping/sharing. This set has more positive moments than I would have expected before I began writing for it and I’m grateful to have reached those moments, even as the next collection already begins marking deeper lows. I still come away alive and for the near future, I’m going to accept that as being enough and leave some compassion for myself.
Lyrics are included for each song when viewed on the bandcamp page for this set: https://allysonmarie.bandcamp.com/album/the-seventh-2
The first watercolor, or painting at all in weeks. Done in a rush to release some ill energy. I’ve pulled myself together enough in the past week to begin new art projects, all far enough in progress for it to bother me if they aren’t completed.
I also wanted to share a poem/song I finished about two months past now. A piece drawing more on inner strength I guess. Things have been difficult, but it’s never going to be different. Some days that is easier to cope with than others, but I will say blood has yet to be drawn so I’m hanging in here okay.
Settle In Proof
Look up now.
Keep breathing out.
You are fine – all is right.
Cold tremble within now be
At your will.
When here, failure at first try will not kill.
Don’t be the weak vessel.
Don’t fear to be filled.
You are not useless or so made thin
To spill at the very least taken sip.
You know how to feel.
Now settle in proof what is real.
The truth will haunt between
Every meaning of might.
You may just fly midway into the fall.
Your quiet whisper might just be
The single heard call.
Seek the change for best,
For only or
Not at all.
I am still in the choir, btw. Agreeing to commit to all activities MUSE related at least until after the November 22nd concert.