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Another painting, watercolor, from a photo I took some years ago. I don’t know why I ended up painting the flowers red and purple. When I started them, the photo wasn’t in front of me, but I thought I remembered it right…lol

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Wilt

25210731621_6c0a609698  S6305214 2 Drenched 2

Not exact, but fun to paint anyway. I’ve decided to try painting from a few photos I’ve taken just as a different exercise. I’ve also gotten my watercolors out again. In between interviews and phone screenings, I’m hanging onto my soul a little bit for the moments taken to paint or play my piano. The free time is never wasted.

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Sepia and shadows.

At Spring Grove Cemetery – October 2014

I just finished editing a decent sized collection of photos at this cemetery near my home. A full time work schedule led me to delay them until I decided I’ve had enough neglecting the only thing I live for, the real work I love to do. So, there are more of these to come along with pictures from my second trip to Chicago I went to earlier this month.

The good news of this week is my brother having been called for an interview at the place I work, which I think has the perfect sort of work he could live with for a while. I may have difficulty with the place, but he’s far more consistent than I, and he has no mood disorder complicating this whole business of living…

All I can say is I’m glad to meet with my psychiatrist next Friday. I feel disturbed for having not said all I should have at my last appointment. I think I do need to continue psychotherapy, along with my medications. Therapy helped me in the way of keeping me accountable in what I decide to do. I’m getting careless now – all but quitting the choir, intensely wanting to quit my job and say no to trying for any other job opportunities. Very close to saying no to life altogether. And I don’t believe these thoughts have much to do with my depression or side effects of the meds. It all comes from a very demoralized state of mind. I hear the exhaustion in my breathing and see it in my eyes. I need help, but even this seems a set up to disappointment. There may be no help from the outside on this.

I’m really on my own.

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Unforgettable

These are a mix of digital camera and cell phone camera photos from the NYC tour I took earlier in September. It was surprisingly stressful for me, but when else would I have been able to get to so many locations in one trip? I had a now or never state of mind and took in as much as I could. My digital camera died on me so the cell phone had to do for the remaining two days of four. My best memories will be from seeing The Phantom of the Opera at the Majestic Theater. The show was incredible and I’d put up with all the discomfort I experienced much of the time as part of that tour group again if it meant another evening like that one.

I apologize for the some blurry clips. I did my best, but we had to move so fast…lol

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For the moment.

This is a framed print I picked up back in the summer at Goodwill thrift store, around the time I ended my job working there full time. I painted the wood frame gold with a black finish and then touched up the print itself with a bit of black.

Something about the stare on the woman’s face really drew me in. Just the picture overall makes it seem to me she’s there but not with much desire to be. Dressed in very fancy clothes and part of a display she may not believe she really belongs to or wants to be a part of in that moment. I’m interested to know who this could be a picture of though. Maybe it’s a famous portrait and I just have no idea…lol.

This week was difficult. My symptoms came through to an unexpected degree. Hopelessness paired with a strong sense of isolation are a terrible mix to cope with. I feel the need to start over and destroy what’s been created/established just to regain control somehow. Luckily I didn’t do anything impulsive, but I am taking a break from my vocal lessons. I’ve had two and had to cancel last week–I felt guilty about keeping a weekly time with my instructor without much of a goal in mind. Working on my performance is still important to me, but there are no plans or direction at the moment. Until I have something more in mind I think I’ll just save up my money and start again when a decision is made. Maybe for an audition or something in the future…

I will continue practicing what I have learned as well. I’m very grateful for that and the patience I was given to actually show what I can do without fear. Opportunities will grow from the experience.

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Never quite so sure…

Acrylic. Something small.

For the next nine Mondays I’ll be continuing with the NAMI Peer-to-Peer class I signed up for a month ago. The first class was just an introduction. There are lots of other people and I hope to make at least one friend, but whatever happens I look forward to whatever information we’ll be given. Relapse prevention is what I’m most interested in learning about. As we’ve been told, I’ll take what I need from the course and go on my way. It’s free so there is no loss.

I also had two interviews this week. Both were a bust, but I had to go since it’s been several months since my last interview. I cancelled the voice lesson this week because of them, but will try to pick it up next Friday and see how I feel…Today was nice though. Several new little songs. Nothing makes me feel as alive as when I’m singing at my piano. That might be a small thing to live for, but it’s enough for now.

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Within the High.

A random acrylic painting as a break from water coloring. Now complete, the look of this painting overall reminds me of the “runner’s high” feeling every time I do long workouts on my bike. Not caring so much that I could be injuring my muscles/joints, the sense of well-being is hard to let go from so easily.

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