Below is the slide of my Washington D.C. photos. Some I’ve added a little light to because of the gloomy Saturday many were taken on. The trip was really two days of touring monuments and museums. I went with my mother and she’s in a few of these photos. I would love to go back to finish checking out the Smithsonian museums. We only scratched the surface…
These are photos I took back in July while outside at my family reunion. I had to get away for a little while and found some peace in looking up at the clouds that day.
A new poem song below. I was feeling weak when I recorded this and you can hear it in my voice, but it fits for the moment it was written–when I was trying to get through something that felt impossible to beat. I say I wish I could go back and fix all that I’ve ruined, but I don’t mean it anymore. It wouldn’t make me worth anything more to those in my life and I would still have difficulty forgiving myself as I do now.
To Wish Upon
Let go of the night.
But I would breathe again if I
Could just keep closed my eyes
And be safe and found
And be filled with the sound of sky…
The hidden space of time before time,
Before life…before light…
If I could just keep closed my eyes.
I’ve enrolled in a water color class set to being early September. One night a week for about two months. I’ve been discussing a lot in my sessions about how I’ve lived so far without fun or enjoyment of my own life ever in mind. I do things that I think are expected of me rather than building decisions around what future I want for myself (something I’ve never seriously given thought to). So having made this choice to take a class for something I’m actually interested in was a big step for me. There’s always risk of regret, especially when I feel undeserving to begin with, but I am looking forward to the class and hope enough others are registered to see it through.
This is the old Stearns & Fosters mattress building in a neighborhood near where I live that I said I had to get pictures of before someone decides to tear it down completely. I just thought the ruin it’s become was really beautiful in it’s way now (after a fire and years of deterioration, from what my mother says, as she worked there for several years). I did numerous variations with the photos I got, but these four are favorites- especially the one above. I uploaded several onto my zazzle site (http://www.zazzle.com/amongtheashes) and bought the color copy below for my mother recently. She has good memories from this place and liked most how that one turned out.
This is something I wrote just yesterday. One day I hope to put these lines as lyrics with music, but I may not ever have that kind of time again (definitely not soon) For now they’re just lines for my own comfort.
Maybe I should keep away…
No more quiet, no more needing and needing in silence.
Turn one day until weeks-
Until “away”can be all to expect from me.
But I chose the side
That, for everyone else but myself, was right
And I’m losing her.
Maybe this can be easier…
Forgive my failure, forgive the love and light
All this time I’ve wasted begging you were.
Keep away long enough and you will
Forget who you cannot find.
You forget and move beyond our divide-
You forget there was ever a life.
Glenwood Gardens, spring 2013– Photos I took about a month ago, just as the warm weather was returning with leaves opening to the sun. It was also the day a random stranger- an art photographer walking that day- asked me to pose for his collection. The lavender shaded trees at the end of this slide were near the site he chose for my photo. It was very beautiful that day.
I’ve made it through my first week on my new job. I like the work I’m doing, how I’m mainly responsible for my own tasks and have no one else’s judgment to worry about or rely on. I had a difficult first few days during training, but more due to the crisis I was having emotionally. I underestimated how much the stress of this change would overwhelm me. I’m grateful I had an appointment with my doctor before I made any decisions. He gave me another medication that is working very well, and what we discussed made a mark in mind that I hope to talk further about in two weeks time.
I won’t be the one to say things are finally looking up and all will be well, but I got through the first week. That is more than enough for now.