This is a small 5 x 7 painting I did with the intention of giving the original to someone at work who has a birthday coming up. They like bonsai plants and this is based off a photo I took some years ago at the conservatory (the original is better than how weird this image above turned out). Now I’ve put this offering on pause and feel foolish for considering it at all. I need to stop with the giving; giving so much when barely even a thank you is offered in return. Every time I think of sending cards or art prints I do it with an innocent hope I may be given real friendship and consideration one day- even just a flicker shown for me to hold onto. Yet there’s usually silence, sometimes a ‘thank you’, often times spoken soullessly as if it was a burden. Then I’m left feeling stupid for being so thoughtful as if I could ever mean so much to another human. Still, I hate how bitter I’ve become. It is time for me to let go of the disappointment and let go of the need for other people to care. There was a time when even someone just pretending to care was worth more than gold to me, but that’s really worse.
So, my books will just have make up for my friendless situation. And that’s been okay. I just finished reading The Portrait of a Lady by Henry James, and despite the infuriating ending, I truly enjoyed how the story unfolded. Glad I randomly chose a good one this time…lol Maybe I can really lose myself in writing one of my own someday.
“Death is not the greatest loss in life.
The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”
I’m working on a mother’s day gift at the moment. What comes next for me is being left for another time to worry about. It’s exhausting to care. I have a job, a roof over my head and parents who have not yet kicked me out of the house and disowned me for my past mistakes. I see blessings where they happen and if/when my sickness causes me to unsettle again, this time right now where I’m being constructive and better will do enough in getting me through.
This is just some hope I’m putting out there. Next time will come and I’ll need to hang on somehow…
This is a semi-hard pastel drawing on a burlap panel piece I bought on clearance weeks ago. I glued in shredded sheet music here and there. My own version of a flower I’ve seen including that.
I am still working full time. I’ve had two interviews– the one last week was a bust, but the other (of which I had to leave early today to complete) was more promising.
Apart from these decent happenings, I nearly broke down in front of my mother mid-week as I prepared for another long day at work and the last interview. I blatantly told her I felt very lonely and so tired of starting over. Sure, it’s nothing she or anyone else can solve, but up to that point I always felt too pathetic to admit how much loneliness has affected me. Even to my therapist, whom I’ve gone another month without speaking to. Apart from the letter I sent with my apology to him for the last session, I feel shameful and not yet ready/willing to open up again with discussion. A small set back I’m trying to pull through I guess.
I have my audition to look forward to, and the bus trip to NYC I’m taking in September with my mother I’m still excited to reach. Just keeping in mind that I do indeed have to stay alive to meet those moments. I just need to show up.
This is part of what I will be sharing next weekend at the show.
Smaller painted pins.
Crafty pins: buttons / beads / paint /fabric.
My display board for the art walk.
Thursday we set up and Friday at 6pm is the opening night.
I have to admit, I’ve been stressing. I’m probably doing too much for two evenings that may not leave me feeling it was worth all this effort. Old habits and thoughts have been springing up as I hear myself saying ‘it needs to be just right’. I’m a perfectionist and when nothing seems right, something in me would rather destroy all that is than settle with what I can’t control.
So, I’m taking a break the next few days and will make time for my piano and writing again. Preventing a down turn in mood and coping behaviors, I will try to stay ahead of the worse moments.
I ruined this piece and prefer the sketch over the mess I turned it into with trying to add shades. At least I worked out the misplaced energy through working on this. It’s a sacrifice for what I hope is better work now in progress. But with that said, I look at this and understand what I needed to say and have said before. What is on the inside will always find its way out, no matter how high one might try to hold themselves in front of others. Sometimes it makes things easier if I consider everyone might just be seeing right through me.
Five watercolors and one acrylic have been framed for what I’ll be showing at the Essex ArtWalk in May. Once I put a piece in a frame it seems to make it instantly more difficult to think of parting ways with…lol I hope I do though. It would be a first and one I’m excited to move past.
This is something new I’ve been working on. It’s a small cardboard form I picked up at a craft store. I wanted to practice with it before moving on to a larger body form I’ve had sitting around blank for too long. I’m going to clear coat it then find something to prop it up on and maybe bring it to an art walk/craft show I’m considering registering for this coming May.
I’ve really been enjoying the new music I’m spending time on. Now I’m on the search for someone to share them with. Someone who might have art of their own to share. Art helps inspire and create more art and maybe I’ll find myself in a better way with others somehow…Safe from isolation.
A watercolor portrait.
I wrote this poem with thoughts of a discussion in therapy having to do with identity. With the amount of reading I was doing before and after at that time,I needed some way to spill and this song was the result. This recording suffers for my lack of practice singing and playing with acoustic guitar. But I’ll probably go back one day and perfect what I can.
Not the life I was meant to live…
It is pain to ask that I
Keep my patience –
To mind the violent waves
Thrown about by the storm within.
Enraged as I am told against
Why not fill me again?
With familiar desperations
Where hope becomes guilt by the
Will of my self-hatred –
How you kill me, again and again…
No one here will have me.
World, I will never please.
Love should not have to be won.
Hope I’ll neither believe nor want
When still so without what I need.
I had my second voice lesson today and reached a note I couldn’t believe I was able to. As pointless and place-less as I am in this world and lonely I’ve been left, some things can still ease these hurts and make me feel grateful I still breathe.