This is a small 5 x 7 painting I did with the intention of giving the original to someone at work who has a birthday coming up. They like bonsai plants and this is based off a photo I took some years ago at the conservatory (the original is better than how weird this image above turned out). Now I’ve put this offering on pause and feel foolish for considering it at all. I need to stop with the giving; giving so much when barely even a thank you is offered in return. Every time I think of sending cards or art prints I do it with an innocent hope I may be given real friendship and consideration one day- even just a flicker shown for me to hold onto. Yet there’s usually silence, sometimes a ‘thank you’, often times spoken soullessly as if it was a burden. Then I’m left feeling stupid for being so thoughtful as if I could ever mean so much to another human. Still, I hate how bitter I’ve become. It is time for me to let go of the disappointment and let go of the need for other people to care. There was a time when even someone just pretending to care was worth more than gold to me, but that’s really worse.
So, my books will just have make up for my friendless situation. And that’s been okay. I just finished reading The Portrait of a Lady by Henry James, and despite the infuriating ending, I truly enjoyed how the story unfolded. Glad I randomly chose a good one this time…lol Maybe I can really lose myself in writing one of my own someday.
Last week I went on a short tour in Chicago with my mother & aunt (mom’s birthday weekend), and while the overall trip was a hassle I won’t think back on too kindly, we did get around to make the most of the situation. While at the Navy Pier I sat for an artist to draw a color caricature of me. She took maybe 15 or 20 minutes and the whole time I kept wondering what she was going to focus on to exaggerate. The longer I sat, the shyer I became and I think she caught that perfectly in the eyes…lol Anyway, it was fun and makes me want to learn how to do caricatures. The artist was actually sitting with another to train him, giving advice between moments in her sketch about what she was doing. I tipped her along with the bill before heading back to the tour group. I’m so glad my mother caught me before I chickened out of sitting for this. I’ll definitely do it again with another artist if ever the opportunity comes again. More Chicago photos are on the way. This week I’ve just been settling back into work and trying to absorb some new changes I’ve discussed with my doctor. I hope we’re onto something good.
I spent last weekend in Chicago. It was my first time visiting the city. I loved the little I had time to experience and I’m certainly hoping to go back before too long. These are photos I took from the bus window on the way. The farm land covered with wind turbines while going through Indiana was like nothing else I’ve seen–was incredible to just watch up close for me. The group I rode with was a decent and funny bunch. The way back through the awful weather was made all the better for the mix of personalities (and the cheesy Christmas movies). I’m just grateful we all got back alive and had a cautious driver able to follow through.
A mixed media piece from over the summer.
I’ve had my second day on the job and have come up against the same challenges of every new start I have to work through. I worry and think far too much about simple tasks and end up “thinking” my way out of every opportunity, due to the stress those intense thoughts give me. But I understand better now that this is part of the illness. Right along with the unexplainable fear always running beneath the surface–I just can’t relax.
Anyway, I’m giving this job a week to see how it goes. The first day my team mate and I were basically left to fend for ourselves since our trainer has been sent to another new store for the week. Both of us just deal with the quirks in our equipment, mistakes we make, customers and our inability to really help them since we need such help ourselves…lol We just laugh. I’m trying my best not to take this retail thing so seriously the way I do every task I throw myself into…it’s going to kill me.
Below is a short clip I recorded before actually completing these lyrics. I’ll share the full song soon. By the way, they aren’t about my mother in particular, but I wrote the rest of the lyrics with my extended family in mind regarding something unfortunate that happened that is still impacting everyone involved.
Flowers I painted for my mother recently. Finger painted background.
The last week has been one of the craziest (well, I’ve just felt the craziest).
I ended up applying for a part time, back of house retail job yesterday afternoon and was called for an interview that night. I scheduled it for this morning and I was actually hired on the spot after the interview.
I was on the edge Thursday from so much stress – my failure with the watercolor class (cutting a bad story short, I won’t be back) going almost another week without one phone call regarding any of my applications or interviews- and feeling painfully isolated. Yet now I have something to hold onto right when I needed it…I’m probably being foolish but with happenings like this it makes me wonder if I’m not being kept around, kept alive, for some hidden reason. I’m truly grateful, but I feel like I don’t deserve any of this to be– when things actually work out in my favor, you know?
The manager said she liked me. She noted how I dressed for my interview, brought a resume, was well spoken, seemed driven (and I never lied once while I spoke)…I’ve never been told things like that in an interview and was shocked she said she wanted to go on and hire me. I’m still processing the whole thing and I apologize for being all over the place, but I feel some hope again. I feel safe to keep a bit of faith that I might just be alright for a while.
I really do want that.
An underwater painting I’ve recently finished. Couldn’t get it perfect, but I learned a lot. Strange things have been happening, but I’m trying not to worry or act impulsively. Fear leads me to do awful things.
Someone has apparently reported my music account on another site for ‘copyright infringement’ and my uploads are being threatened. I always mention the artists of every song I do a cover of and most of those are clips, not the full song. And every single track on this blog and online I have is offered to anyone for free… I’m waiting now to hear back, but with my luck I’ll probably be silenced all together. I don’t understand people. I’ve never wanted a damn thing except a place of my own to share what I do.
Maybe it’s time to start over.
This sketch is one from the early first weeks at my job, representing the way each passing hour felt and just having to accept nothing more could be done.
The song below is one of the last I worked on before full time employment took over and I had to drop all plans. At least it’s left a good memory with me for how I could find ways to recover and better understand certain emotions. It’s not all simply out of my hands.
Self I hate,
I am to be always at blame.
There are no innocent mistakes…
I could not be without my shame.
Has the end come?
Has it really happened?
Have we heard our lesson?
Please tell me, have we learned?
At step one with nothing to follow next
Where everything erases, everyday resets.
Unseen progress by experience
You’ve forced me to forget
The quiet ache;
You’ll not explain my regret.