Below is the sixth full playlist of music I’ve worked on for the past 8-9 months, also placed in the music page here along with the other collected lists. I thought I would have gotten this sort of work out of my system a long time ago, but I seem to rely on it too much for that to truly happen now. I appreciate what I take away from creating at all for that to truly happen.
And I’m considering auditioning for the MUSE women’s choir in the city this coming August. We can sing what we want, I just need to practice my sight reading…We’ll see.
A recent song. Something I wrote in response to my therapist after a difficult session.
Wait a moment.
Ease away from him.
Open your eyes and find
Your way away from him…
Yes – I am angry.
Full of rage and fault.
Yes – I’ve been lying.
You are trying. I am not.
I forget why it is I’m here.
Years in and my purpose
Has yet to be made clear.
I tell you all,
My dying day is near.
As driven as the rain pours down.
And once there and found,
Might my spirit be kept sealed?
I had a quiet but enjoyable New Years Eve. I called in last night for today’s shift after I’d noticed a break out of a rash showing up again (likely stress related) and decided to take a break. Four hours will not make or break me financially–I’m only staying at my job because it gives me a cover for what I’m doing with my time and I hope 2014 leads to a better place.
Anyway, I’ve been coping with loneliness. Falling back into difficult habits and a little uncertain now. I plan to sign up for a peer to peer program sponsored by NAMI that will begin this month near where I live. It is a ten week course covering topics of mental illness, recovery and relapse prevention. It’s free and I just hope it may ease the isolation. I need something…New people, a new way to share and be heard I think.
An underwater painting I’ve recently finished. Couldn’t get it perfect, but I learned a lot. Strange things have been happening, but I’m trying not to worry or act impulsively. Fear leads me to do awful things.
Someone has apparently reported my music account on another site for ‘copyright infringement’ and my uploads are being threatened. I always mention the artists of every song I do a cover of and most of those are clips, not the full song. And every single track on this blog and online I have is offered to anyone for free… I’m waiting now to hear back, but with my luck I’ll probably be silenced all together. I don’t understand people. I’ve never wanted a damn thing except a place of my own to share what I do.
Maybe it’s time to start over.
This sketch is one from the early first weeks at my job, representing the way each passing hour felt and just having to accept nothing more could be done.
The song below is one of the last I worked on before full time employment took over and I had to drop all plans. At least it’s left a good memory with me for how I could find ways to recover and better understand certain emotions. It’s not all simply out of my hands.
Self I hate,
I am to be always at blame.
There are no innocent mistakes…
I could not be without my shame.
Has the end come?
Has it really happened?
Have we heard our lesson?
Please tell me, have we learned?
At step one with nothing to follow next
Where everything erases, everyday resets.
Unseen progress by experience
You’ve forced me to forget
The quiet ache;
You’ll not explain my regret.
This is something I wrote just yesterday. One day I hope to put these lines as lyrics with music, but I may not ever have that kind of time again (definitely not soon) For now they’re just lines for my own comfort.
Maybe I should keep away…
No more quiet, no more needing and needing in silence.
Turn one day until weeks-
Until “away”can be all to expect from me.
But I chose the side
That, for everyone else but myself, was right
And I’m losing her.
Maybe this can be easier…
Forgive my failure, forgive the love and light
All this time I’ve wasted begging you were.
Keep away long enough and you will
Forget who you cannot find.
You forget and move beyond our divide-
You forget there was ever a life.
This is another portrait I started years ago and recently completed.
The song here has been finished for a while now. I had a short clip performing it, but it makes no difference. Nothing special.
Love me –
Hate me for anything.
Either extreme I need;
You’ll find me alive nowhere in between.
All you have to say is “hold on”.
Keep waiting and hoping though all light has gone…
But those words are cruel when one is with no reason to stay.
With no dream to keep breathing for
And little room is left for faith.
Why don’t you take all that I take?
Think your way through it all –
My soul you’ll recreate.
Why don’t you take the rest of these awful years?
You find me a way from here.
So, I have news. Yesterday I accepted a full time position with a local store as a goods inspector. It was one of my better interviews and I did feel like I had a good chance, but now that I’ve accepted I only worry about messing it all up. I’m still sticking with treatment though and have another session very soon. I have to remember that I will and should expect to be allowed enough time to actually learn what I’m doing. I’ll give it a month if my strength allows and see how I feel by then. Someone my age should be working full time by now anyway I guess…I worry about such a schedule overwhelming me.
It’s not in my nature to first look to the bright side of things, but here I am with another opportunity to see the better unfold.
I’ll pass the moment…
I’m sharing the video below here to help move past some major insecurities. I’m singing an a-capella version of something I wrote. I recorded with a piano arrangement, but I think I butchered the whole thing so I went back. Most of my songs start out with no music at all like this, so I thought it was a decent one to attempt by video first (I made two).
Just to explain, I’m extremely uncomfortable with fully facing any camera and always have been. Recording something in the way I have here and re-watching it leaves me very embarrassed and desperate to apologize. Just setting aside the stupid reasons behind my shame, I am sorry. Maybe one day I can play it back and not feel so disgusted.
Anyway, below is the piano arrangement of this song I mentioned before.
I’ve had a strange week. Two interviews I thought went the best I could have expected and another week spent less interested in truly hurting myself. I understand something now that I’ve needed to understand better for a long time. It doesn’t fix everything, but helps me keep the slight grasp I feel I’ve regained recently.