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Looking Back

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The final day of 2015…I am glad to see it go and gladder I made it through. What a difficult year it was. Losing my therapist, changing medications, getting through 1yr of full time work, the stuff with the old choir, going to different churches, taking my first yoga class…

Some good and some bad, but there is no doubt of personal growth here. By making it to 26 (which I didn’t expect) I’ve been forced to seriously consider the distant future and where I want to put myself.

Fortunately I’m up for that right now and for the near future at least.

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Yes, I did it!

I just got back from having my first voice lesson ;)

The instructor was awesome and after I got through an awkward few seconds stumbling for an explanation of why I was there (and that old “tell me about yourself” thing) I finally explained how I wanted to gain confidence with singing in front of others/develop my performance. She later commented on how clenched in my voice and stance seemed at the very start and how much stronger I’d become during the practice she led me through.

I had to say it was all nerves. I was surprised with her reassurance she wasn’t there to judge when I stopped as I thought my vocal range was nearing its limit, scared to crack or screech…lol With her instruction in breath support though, I went far above my usual range and could not believe how well she said I was doing.

The fact that I have a lower female voice allowed her to share with me some songs she’d been waiting for the right sort of voice to teach with (most of her students are of a higher range). I now have a few pieces and artists songs to research, Ella Fitzgerald particularly, and next lesson we’ll pick up from where we left off if I decide to continue.

Over all the most important thing I’ve taken away from this first lesson is how much I’ve needed to hear and see from another an excitement that is shared about something I do. Actually being present with someone else as they listen- seeing how they feel and not just blindly hoping they were moved somehow. Actually, just this very thing is surprising…how much it indeed matters others are moved. As much as were aren’t supposed to allow our emotions to run our lives, for me there is no life without them.

So anyway, I will be going back in the next week or two- depending on my funds. It’s another sort of therapy for me to work with this instructor. Just the extra help I need to get over myself and out of my head.

Below is a song I wrote again about my therapist (I know it’s probably weird for how many songs he and our discussions are the topic of, but I just find them interesting for the changes I’ve seen with this kind of relationship) It’s titled “In Need”. The recorded demo here is not well practiced, but the best of my ideas for it:

In Need

If you let me know more
I will begin to see.
I’ll be taken away;
I will begin to dream.

Desperate to distance myself from this grief,
We know I won’t get what I want,
But I will always take what I need.

And your good soul has been waiting.
Your good soul says I’m worth saving…
You lift me up, over and through,
Never mind my unwillingness to move.

Never mind I’ve been using you to choose
What to do…what to do…what to do.
Nothing of myself is true –

Never mind what to do.
We know I won’t get what I want,
But I will always take what I need.

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Of What Will Be

Below here is the first song I wrote in collaboration with someone. I post new songs every now and then on craigslist with an offer to work with other musicians if a good match comes along. A singer named Dennise (her music and profile: http://www.reverbnation.com/dennisenicholedittman ) responded with a request to record some of my songs along with help writing lyrics. She told me about a family hardship she experienced where her father was diagnosed with cancer and how devastated and scared she was at the time the news was shared. I agreed to write lyrics using the lines she wrote in a draft. A month later I sent her the results which she appeared to be happy with, since the last we spoke.

I was very nervous about attempting to create a song from someone else’s experience, but I ended up really appreciating the challenge. I was able to put myself in her shoes and try to relate those feelings. I originally wrote a full poem then stripped the lines down for lyrics. The first recording was around 7 munutes long and I managed to scale that down to 6:30…lol The longest piece I’ve ever taken time with, but some ideas I didn’t want to cut corners with. Anyway…

Full Song:


Many tears I’ve shed
And now a sense of numb comes over me.
I’m so scared of what will be.
All that I’ve ever been afraid of is coming true.
And as I sit just across from your bed —
As we listen and the awful news is read —
I cannot reach you.
For what has fallen, I cannot break through.

Inside I scream.
A lifetime of memories,
But I need more time…
I am not ready to say goodbye.

The days go on and I don’t know anymore how to be.
And such grief there is, such grief there is…
How do I reach you now?
I cannot bear to let you down.

Show me the way of return
To a time and place I have prayed to see you
Whole once again, in the light of His love.
At peace once again
In our freedom.

How do I reach you now?
I cannot bear to let you down.

I look forward to another opportunity like this one day…

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“Nothing”

Sort of how I’ve been feeling the last couple of days. It’s been hard trying to really get back into writing poetry, and write something I am really satisfied with. This is a start I guess. I think a lot about being nothing. It’s hard explaining exactly what I mean by that because it’s really more than what it sounds like.  

Irritated; ready to die
My tears hang on for dear life

Won’t my familiars admit the truth?
I am around without a use?
I shade in well, I disappear
In disturbed thoughts no one else hears
To be apart of nothingness…..
Between each breath and each second

Nothing is decided, nothing recognized
Where lives of all sorts are born to die
I’ll keep away. I will not leech
Isolation has a point I’ve reached
When talk turns a weak enemy
When those around refuse to see

As prayer, and bright hopeful dreams
Decide to mean nothing.

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Filed under Life, personal, poems, poetry