Running Out of Ways
Oh my, I forgot to breathe.
My thoughts have drawn so deep.
Allow a little more room please.
You safety will no longer do.
See, I am just running out of ways
To pretend I am brave.
To keep my fears contained.
I hang my life on every word they say.
Never Ever Known – Original song
True, so true.
Afraid I am of you.
And I don’t know what to say.
I’ve never known a friend to stay.
Nobody is some lonely one
Hidden amongst the graves.
And just like him, I patiently wait
Just like him, I know the living aren’t safe.
You’re not safe. I tell you,
Take whatever it is you mean to take.
Hurt me, hate me, have your way. Because
I’ve never, ever known
A friend to stay.
Recorded just this past winter. I finally have the nerve to share. Despite the subject matter of the lyrics here, I’m doing okay. Beginning the second week as a “Coding Specialist”…lol I have to get used to that title being one I can now claim. If I get the hang of my duties, I’ll be able to work half day on Fridays, leaving time to record new music. So glad of it…
This one was fun to arrange. It may not sound as if I’m playing very fast, but it’s a faster pace than I normally work with…lol So glad I have a digital keyboard too, for practicing in the evening with my headphones. Really gets me away from it all.
This painting is small and was all for the moment. I felt a sense of betrayal over something that happened and needed very much to see red. Luckily it was paint and not my own blood this time around.
I’ve written out all the thoughts that came up during my two full days of breakdown following the news of my therapist’s retirement. The problem with my job is the time I’m left to ruminate. I can bring myself so easily to tears, and those particular days were brutal. Not 30 minutes passed without weepy eyes and a feeling inside as if something had crawled into a hole and died. Genuine grief I didn’t think I was capable of feeling anymore.
I have some questions for him next week, along with some apologies to make. Since I’ve never terminated with a therapist before like this, I’m sure more tears are in store and hopefully I can express all I need to and fix a way somehow to move forward without him to turn to any longer.
And for a little song…The beginning of a poem I wrote years back, put to a melody to pass the free time some weeks ago.
It was never best that I cover up
But I fear letting you know
And the life after if I ever let it show
That I’ve never been together
Still, your eyes come to see
And I whisper to you ‘Don’t look down.’
Approach no further – walk back out
Just one more moment and I’ll reset
I’ll be all better soon
This painting is small. Reminds me of a strange music note, but I have no title idea so ‘strange music note’ may just stick.
Below is a poem/song I wrote touching on a personal matter I rarely acknowledge that has a place in old, very deep fears. This in particular is about memories in childhood and how I thought my art was and is perceived by my mother and other close relations. How my only worth seemed to come from colors I put to paper. Nothing much else ever really being noticed.
Another picture, for you.
Such a pretty picture,
I knew you would say.
Hasn’t it always been this way?
By these simple painted shades
There is still your smile I can save.
And it’s okay with me
If the heavy lines of drawn eyes are
The only ones to make you see my own
With their pain.
You will understand this all someday.
In your own time, in your own way.
When I leave, you will know
I tried my best.
And the pictures I leave behind
Will save you, dear mother
And the devastating news I got this week: my therapist of nearly 5 years will be retiring in April. Great news for him and I tried my best to smile and said my congratulations, but really I felt an awful hurt swell within. He told me this news right before I was set to hand over a small gift. A cd of a few songs linked back to discussions in my therapy sessions over the years, and one new song dedicated specifically to him about my gratitude. So not only was I sinking fast over the fact I’ll be out on my own again and have to start with someone else, I felt foolish and ashamed I did not see it coming sooner. The past two days have been spent with teary eyes and a lifeless feeling inside.
The only thing I’m appreciative about knowing what I know now is that I will be able to say goodbye…He’s helped me further along than anyone else and I wouldn’t change anything at all if it were my choice. I will miss very having such a safe person and place to turn to.
I Confront Day – This was drawn more than a year ago, and finally completed less than a month back. I thought it fit well to pair with a line from this poem I wrote and made a song of:
With heavy heart
I confront day.
Alone to find the way,
I have lost my words. I have lost all thought.
I feel no worth. I feel so caught between a
Past of losses and a future that will not forgive.
It has been long I’ve waited.
The need within turns to hatred.
Who I’ve become could not be more wrong.
The far beyond has heard my call.
To final breath I give my all.
With heavy heart
I take the fall.
My eighth collection of originals is finished and added to the page where the rest are. I’m sending a handful of people I have addresses to a cd of these recent pieces along with lyrics. For too long my songs have felt like having a stash of personal paintings that have never been shown- art never even given the opportunity to be seen (in this case, heard). So that’s all I’m doing. Even if no one takes a serious listen to anything or it’s instantly trashed, it settles my mind enough to know it’s out there and no longer a secret I only know of. I don’t continue singing with an expectation that it will add more to my life than it already has, and the same goes with painting. But to work on something with such focus, time and of personal significance, keeping it all to myself forever would never do. Whether or not it makes sense, for me doing that would feel wrong. I hide enough on a day to day basis. I don’t need to that with my art and I never want to.
Anyway, I think I will follow through with the choir for our Spring concert if I’m confident I’ll know the music in time. And work is…bearable. Sad to say I’m nearing just 7 months in February and it’s the longest I’ve ever worked full time…I am showing up everyday, on time and I make no excuses. This is the best I can do. Wherever it leads me to, there will be no guilt.