Like taking in a breath of fresh air…That’s just what it brings to my mind.
I’ve had three sessions so far with my new therapist. The goal is to help me change the way I consider myself when around others–less negative self talk, which only helps me get in my own way. But there is no real life as I go about my days, you know? I get through, barely keeping my head above water, and all to say at the end it’s for no reason.The emptiness is killing me.
I’m thinking about stopping all of this treatment. My personality is too fixed now and I felt settled after this last session that I may be a total waste of time. He has no idea how hopeless I’ve become.
And no one else cares even the slightest. And I don’t want them to now. I don’t need to be taught how to lie to myself. Maybe nothing can make me feel better. And I’m okay with that now too. I want to say goodbye and walk away so badly. I dream of that. With no way or need to go back. It would be nice to not wish my life away any longer. The past is all the proof needed that I didn’t deserve one anyway.
Now if I can be open enough to share this whole bit, he may just agree. I may just be right.
I have recently finished a book called How Psychotherapy Really Works and truly found it helpful in understanding my experience with it the past four years. How unique the patient/therapist relationship really is and how it made an impact even without my realizing. I also wanted to understand better the grief I was struck with when I knew I’d have to say goodbye. The fear of what exactly I’d be without. But I basically came away with it clear that my previous therapist only helped me help myself in the end. May seem obvious to the outsider, but when you’re in a place of desperation, saving myself meant total death and it’s taken a very long time to replace the strength of that idea to my strength to create alternative choices and to be more resilient when things go wrong. I’m still learning, always trying to “figure out” what is not solvable, but at least the search is something. It’s action where otherwise I’d have long given up as nothing it would change.
I look forward to sharing some new art I’ve completed. And a lot of music I haven’t quite gotten arranged yet, but on the way. This photo was taken today when I got home. As little an influence I feel I am to this world, I’m not the only one struggling to belong. I support the efforts of TWLOHA in spreading awareness of mental illness and helping people who seek treatment. We’ve got to help one another somehow and one day I might be able to do more than small donations, but for now I’m sure anything helps. That’s what I hope and will hang onto.
This painting took too long to finish for my lack of energy with the details, but I’m glad I finally have the idea complete.
Lead Us To
Okay, you’ve gotten a peak.
There is something diseased
Beneath its mild and sweetly lit smile,
You know now not to speak.
Already robbed of energy –
We try to keep up pace
But today she is resistant toward me
And our obligation
To bend and lift then bend again,
Hating we’re here and with hope for
Only how all ends and when…
I don’t know where I fit
And her color changes from
Healing to certain hell,
Wishing us and all the rest be dead.
The only help of use at this phase
Would lead to and through
Our dying days.
I think my co-worker is a little uneasy with me. I let my frustration show a lot more than I thought was actually getting across, even though I tried to hide my anger the best I could. This week was so up and down…I don’t trust myself to make any decision when it’s so easy for my motivations to be swayed by how I’m feeling at any given minute. It’s difficult to sift through what I truly want from what my emotions lead me to think. My voice I don’t trust is my own.
I’m considering school again. Going back and taking classes to earn a certificate, but I can’t settle on what to take quite yet. Something that will develop my skills toward a profession I think I can live with. Doesn’t have to have anything to do with art, since I’ll never give that up no matter what I do for money, but just something I can better tolerate than what I continue to throw myself into now job to job…trading one type of hell for another.
I couldn’t have asked for a better opportunity than the one I’m trying to maintain now. Full time, a job where I work by myself for the most part…and apart from the heavy lifting, I have a good handle on everything I do.
So why is this becoming a placement I can’t imagine surviving? Why does everything I want become something I end up hating? Makes me believe I can’t trust anything I may want ever again. I don’t want to invite more pain, but in trying to avoid it I seem to run right into it. And when that’s not happening, I’m punishing myself for not feeling as I should – as I believe others expect I should feel – about what I have and how much worse things could be.
And when all is settled, the only thing I want and need too much is to be told I’ve done well. Everyone else has a power over me, and it will be that way until I stop acting as if it’s truly possible for me to be close to others now or thought of as more than disposable and useless in my own mind.
I’ll always have to have something to give you to be anything to you.
This is something I wrote just yesterday. One day I hope to put these lines as lyrics with music, but I may not ever have that kind of time again (definitely not soon) For now they’re just lines for my own comfort.
Maybe I should keep away…
No more quiet, no more needing and needing in silence.
Turn one day until weeks-
Until “away”can be all to expect from me.
But I chose the side
That, for everyone else but myself, was right
And I’m losing her.
Maybe this can be easier…
Forgive my failure, forgive the love and light
All this time I’ve wasted begging you were.
Keep away long enough and you will
Forget who you cannot find.
You forget and move beyond our divide-
You forget there was ever a life.
“It was just too much too soon”
This is a drawing from last week as I remembered how I felt after the first day at my new job. I’ve made it through my second full week, but it seems everyday I go through the same inner struggle in wanting to turn away from the decision I’ve made. In wondering how much of a mistake I’ve made and how much strength I’d have to again start over. Luckily, by the end of the day I’m too exhausted to consider doing anything but rest my body. No wonder I get stranger looks from people at work…I’m at a small weight now and must look ridiculous hauling around my heavy carts every day. And today I felt it might be best to go simply because I don’t feel very welcome in my placement. I may be doing the work fine, but might be making others more uncomfortable (I certainly feel very uncomfortable).
I’m going to continue until a month has passed as I promised myself I would though. Below is a partial piano cover I did weeks back of my favorite Breaking Benjamin song.
This sketch is a few months old, reminded me of this song I wrote weeks later. As if I try to stand my ground, ignoring I’ve already lost it all.
I Once Fought
Can you do me a favor?
Can you say that it’s okay?
Maybe it’s permission I’ve needed –
Acceptance beyond my own I’ve sought –
To act upon a thought.
A dear friend I once fought.
I tried despite knowing they’d
This video clip was done when I was working on the song arrangement still, explaining my comments at the end.
Things feel all over the place here at home. My mother, the only person around me on a daily basis, is getting frustrated with me and my depression. I try staying out of her way, keeping the door shut during really bad spells, but it’s not enough. She wants to see and be around no more of it and I understand. I wish I were gone too…I’m sorry I am this way and can’t will myself past it. Besides sticking with my medication and going to my sessions, I don’t know what else to do.