This year’s mother’s day gift I worked on– a painted heart she can put up and hopefully find some escape in. On the back I wrote “This world, so in need of your kind. My thank you will never be enough. I’m grateful will never mean it all.” These are lines from two special poems I wrote at a time when she helped me through a particularly dark time when she was going through so much herself. She is more than I deserve.
A poem I put music to spontaneously one afternoon. The recording below sounds a bit more clean due to a few more practice runs that day. I’m happy with it and wanted to share.
On My Worst Days
All things are given their place.
All people, in all their ways
Slip from the gray to black on
My worst days,
When every shadow has its say.
And feeling will
Share its love for me over fact.
The dark within I’ve
Died to see…
We are never to look back.
Dark Self, Dark Soul
The moment I spoke
Dark angel caught my breath and
Gathered my control.
The awful will of rage was then let go.
A spill of words so bold
Of a daring I have never known.
This hatred I must own.
This hatred of self and soul…
I die again alone.
I miss the feeling of having a close friend. I miss actually believing I mattered to somebody–less in the way as a cold fact and more real emotion within to recognize. It’s true things are different now in many ways. I’m not on the edge daring myself to fall anymore, but I’ve not been completely won over either. And I guess I might never be that safe again, but maybe there still is more good that has yet to show.
I’ve painted another little mother’s day card and found a sweet quote to include. My mother knows she’s the only one I’ve really kept hanging on for. I really don’t deserve her generosity or the faith in life she has shared with me. But I will try not to fail any further than I’ve managed to. I will try to believe as she does my patience will be worth it.
A recent watercolor using left over color on an old palette.
I will be starting classes for Medical Coding on the first of April. Taking another chance with school in order to try and get a better job. Even though I have little expectation for the difference it will actually make, I have to do something besides keep myself chained to a miserable dead end job and expect to survive.
In the mean time, art and music will do. I’m loosening up and accepting certain things about myself that I think I’ve been avoiding due to shame and lack of trust. More to discuss in next weeks session…It’s been a very long month away.
The poem below hints at the issue.
They might see and
They may love,
But I will never be quite so sure
The honesty it is made of –
For what then allows my
Shadows to let up?
Can I trust the fill of air
From moments so easy to breathe?
Can I trust the fill of faith
I will be met with all I need?
I’ve worn many faces and not one
Ever taught my soul to dream.
And although I drift among my ghosts,
Their whispers I’ve yet to heed.
Although I drift among my ghosts,
I’m far from all fears and grief.
This is something new I’ve been working on. It’s a small cardboard form I picked up at a craft store. I wanted to practice with it before moving on to a larger body form I’ve had sitting around blank for too long. I’m going to clear coat it then find something to prop it up on and maybe bring it to an art walk/craft show I’m considering registering for this coming May.
I’ve really been enjoying the new music I’m spending time on. Now I’m on the search for someone to share them with. Someone who might have art of their own to share. Art helps inspire and create more art and maybe I’ll find myself in a better way with others somehow…Safe from isolation.
This is a painting I did the first weekend after working at my new job. I didn’t think I’d have the energy to begin anything and see it through, but I’m glad I gave the time. As frustrating as painting without a plan can be for me, this time it was a relief not knowing what to expect. That’s rare. It’s now an image to go with a song I’d finished recording only days before my first day as a new employee. I wrote these lyrics as I considered my reaction if I had been offered a position (not knowing I would be soon after)- if I would say no and feel scared or great regret for even bothering again, or if I’d say yes and feel my own strength and that I’m finally on my own side in this.
Without time for my piano these days, I’m writing a lot more. It’s keeping my head above water for now. We always do have to settle.
You Have Me
Take the risk.
I’ve heard the fear in these moments.
But I am beyond your death.
I rose from the fall.
I know where you have been.
Led to the beginning of end.
Trust no one else; you’re losing time.
Patience and dear faith will not save your life,
And if love is here it has chosen not to try.
Everlasting truth we find –
I carry the sky
And you will always have my wings to fly.
You will always have me.
I’ll pass the moment…
I’m sharing the video below here to help move past some major insecurities. I’m singing an a-capella version of something I wrote. I recorded with a piano arrangement, but I think I butchered the whole thing so I went back. Most of my songs start out with no music at all like this, so I thought it was a decent one to attempt by video first (I made two).
Just to explain, I’m extremely uncomfortable with fully facing any camera and always have been. Recording something in the way I have here and re-watching it leaves me very embarrassed and desperate to apologize. Just setting aside the stupid reasons behind my shame, I am sorry. Maybe one day I can play it back and not feel so disgusted.
Anyway, below is the piano arrangement of this song I mentioned before.
I’ve had a strange week. Two interviews I thought went the best I could have expected and another week spent less interested in truly hurting myself. I understand something now that I’ve needed to understand better for a long time. It doesn’t fix everything, but helps me keep the slight grasp I feel I’ve regained recently.