I came back from the Washington D.C. bus tour this past Monday, ill in mind and body. I felt so broken and tired when I got back home and tried to get ready for work the next day. Well when I woke up Tuesday I had a nasty cold and did call in. Spent that time at home applying for other jobs.
I’m all over the place really. There is not time to have a complete thought with creating anymore art works and waking up seems like it’s part of an awful punishment I’m sentenced to. Who would want to go about their days like this? I am learning so much more about personality disorders and the challenges ahead to change patterns that cause more problems and I wonder if it’s too hopeful of me to think what changes I make will mean something worthwhile. I feel like I’m always too late for anyone’s faith in me.
The psychiatrist has written me 5 months worth of drugs and I don’t have to see him again until February. I cringe to think about what I will be like by that time. Will I still be here trying, or will that be an appointment I choose to cancel after choosing to quit treatment? Choosing to quit trying to untangle the knot I’ve made of my life? The new therapist has help enough by challenging the difficult person I step into his office as. Treating me like I’m flesh and blood and not a wad of garbage I consider myself.
I just mean to say I need another way to go about this living. I’ve given up the choir’s demands and have stuck in there with working a job I’m nearly driven mad by. And there is no one to talk to. And night sets in and doesn’t ease up when the sun does.I’m afraid that darkness may be the only thing I ever have holding onto me, as no one else is able to.
This is a large painting in progress (and has been for almost a year and a half…Once I started full time work last summer and the choir, my time just disappeared). I have no idea what it is or means, just that I was drawing and stopped when the sketch felt right. Or just felt strange enough…
I lack inspiration and faith in my own creativity. It’s been this way for months and I’ve just tried to ignore how much I feel like a fraud when I attempt new art or when even looking at my past work. It’s like a completely different person owns them and I can only stand aside, wishing I could have back what it seems I’ve lost in trying to adjust to my life now. I’m stranded and have no idea what comes next, what I want or where I’ll be. I just know I would rather see my time here come to a close than feel hopeless any longer. Things are okay, but I don’t think that’s enough anymore. I feel as if I’m slipping away and can only think why bother fighting it.
Anyway, I need a title for this picture. I’ve begun coloring and the background reminds me of a fresh, spring morning, but how that ties into the weird portrait, I don’t know. It doesn’t even have to make sense. I’m just going to finish it because I want nothing left undone.
I drew these, one each day during a week many months ago.
What a difference I feel from just last week. The choir I think is too much for me right now, but when I think of taking leave, there is nothing else. I’m accepting I will not get another job better than what I have. I’m accepting having no close relationships and being stuck in all the ways I am. And when hope that better change would eventually come along dies the way it has, I don’t want to go on.
My birthday is a month away. 25 on the 25th, and I thought for sure I’d be dead before I saw the day. I guess it would make sense though, to never develop more to my life — I was probably never meant to be here long enough to see that. I should have gotten rid of myself years ago before there was a chance to fool myself into believing this life could be recovered.
I feel repulsive. The self-punishment is never all it should be. Sometimes -I’d say most times- when you’ve fallen far enough behind, it’s best to stop the waste of energy on trying and let go. And in that case it seems silly to even consider what a “goodbye” would do or mean to anyone else.
I stopped truly knowing what I wanted for my time here long ago.
Filed under Art, depression
“The eye goes blind when it only wants to see why.” -Rumi
“For a while we lived with people,
but we saw no sign in them of the faithfulness we wanted.
It’s better to hide completely within
as water hides in metal,
as fire hides in a rock.”
-Quatrain 1082 by Rumi, Open Secret
This is the first sketch after an unacceptably long break from drawing. One of those days where I could do little more than try showing how I felt, and hope to breathe again when I set my pencil down. The week has been a challenge I did not want to make any more difficult with a fight. Lonesomeness has weighed so heavily in me, I don’t think I deserve worth toward others or that I can belong in the way I’ve hoped. And I know these conclusions mean little. I will put them in a song and keep trying to get over.
This is something I wrote just yesterday. One day I hope to put these lines as lyrics with music, but I may not ever have that kind of time again (definitely not soon) For now they’re just lines for my own comfort.
Maybe I should keep away…
No more quiet, no more needing and needing in silence.
Turn one day until weeks-
Until “away”can be all to expect from me.
But I chose the side
That, for everyone else but myself, was right
And I’m losing her.
Maybe this can be easier…
Forgive my failure, forgive the love and light
All this time I’ve wasted begging you were.
Keep away long enough and you will
Forget who you cannot find.
You forget and move beyond our divide-
You forget there was ever a life.
Almost forgot about this one.
Messed up a little with the song below, but it was only a second take from weeks ago- a section from an old poem. No sense in taking anything I do seriously anymore. It’s all an empty effort for how far it’s gotten me or given. I’m tired for the time I cared.
A crayon disaster…
You do what you’re told
Always here, always there.
You have nowhere else –
No will to follow
And the rest of what you are left as
Will not let go.
Just warming up. I hate the way I look when I’m singing…lol Sorry for looking so awful here, btw. It’s a day after I’d given my notice at the bakery. I’d just finished up with looking online for other jobs…
I drove to pick up my last check there this morning and was surprised to see someone else was already being trained at part of all that I was doing. No one else said hello to me or goodbye on my way out. All of that’s okay though. If the new chick stays three months, after surely having some kind of confrontation/words with the owner and being trapped in a number of overwhelming situations, they might have a good one to keep.
It’s going to take time to stop feeling like a tossed piece of trash, but I know now it wasn’t a mistake to remove myself from the situation. I was very unappreciated and feel more pity than anything for the one replacing me. From all of this though, I’m drifting without much will or direction. I’m sad to see the end of a situation not equal the end of my time here all together honestly– that I’ll have to start over and things may be worse than what I just got away from.