This is a semi-hard pastel drawing on a burlap panel piece I bought on clearance weeks ago. I glued in shredded sheet music here and there. My own version of a flower I’ve seen including that.
I am still working full time. I’ve had two interviews– the one last week was a bust, but the other (of which I had to leave early today to complete) was more promising.
Apart from these decent happenings, I nearly broke down in front of my mother mid-week as I prepared for another long day at work and the last interview. I blatantly told her I felt very lonely and so tired of starting over. Sure, it’s nothing she or anyone else can solve, but up to that point I always felt too pathetic to admit how much loneliness has affected me. Even to my therapist, whom I’ve gone another month without speaking to. Apart from the letter I sent with my apology to him for the last session, I feel shameful and not yet ready/willing to open up again with discussion. A small set back I’m trying to pull through I guess.
I have my audition to look forward to, and the bus trip to NYC I’m taking in September with my mother I’m still excited to reach. Just keeping in mind that I do indeed have to stay alive to meet those moments. I just need to show up.
I cannot wait to see life again outside. I really miss trees with their leaves and the flowers in bloom…
Below is the finished project I mentioned weeks ago about working on. It’s been done for a while but I still have no title for it and I’m considering it as another piece to bring with me to the Art Walk I’m attending in May.
Although it’s a month away, I have most of my work framed and priced as I work on other small crafts to include at my table. I will admit this preparation has been a great distraction from my anxiety about class beginning this Tuesday. I have my books and I’m prepared to throw myself into hours of study and reading. I just hope my changing moods don’t cause too much of a stir. Change in any sense can be a trigger for me, so I’m trying to remain mindful and listen to my thoughts.
The final NAMI Peer-to-Peer class is Monday evening and I’m already feeling as if I’m losing people close to me. I know the feeling is out of reach from what I’m actually aware of in not being terribly close to anyone in truth, but there is an attachment and a familiarity I know I’ll deeply miss. I felt safe with the group and welcomed. The world outside has not been so kind and I don’t want to return to that isolation.
So I will just have to keep reaching out.
More music and video clips on the way….
A few more of the Chicago photos.
I have so many new songs I’d like to share. But I’m fully wishing I could kill that desire–to share–because it’s a constant reminder of a need that will never be fully met, or even close. Not to just have something to connect with others, but to be worth something to them as well. I’m only reminded that my own efforts are rarely unmarked by disappointment for what it’s failed to do and where I’ve fallen short.
I need to return to a reason that truly belongs to me and start to believe in that again. The art, the songs I sing to myself and any little thing created…If I didn’t take part, I wouldn’t be here at all. And with that I guess I understand how important it really is to me still–being here at all.
I must truly care,
Otherwise why worry?
How so easily I’ve been to scare…
I am sorry I lose hope the way I do –
Sorry and sick I have not brightened
The way you’ve told me to.
The way you just sink into your dreams,
When a heart truly wants
All that it needs…
Day used to feel differently, back when
The shade of fall leaves lifted by the breeze
Always found a place for me.
I’m still here waiting to be taken up;
Coping with my existence
Where no matter whom I’m with
I am all the more alone.
One of a handful of poems referring in part to my therapist along with anyone else I feel accountable to in someway.
Things are complicated in my head right now but I’m hanging in there.
“The eye goes blind when it only wants to see why.” -Rumi
“For a while we lived with people,
but we saw no sign in them of the faithfulness we wanted.
It’s better to hide completely within
as water hides in metal,
as fire hides in a rock.”
-Quatrain 1082 by Rumi, Open Secret
This is the first sketch after an unacceptably long break from drawing. One of those days where I could do little more than try showing how I felt, and hope to breathe again when I set my pencil down. The week has been a challenge I did not want to make any more difficult with a fight. Lonesomeness has weighed so heavily in me, I don’t think I deserve worth toward others or that I can belong in the way I’ve hoped. And I know these conclusions mean little. I will put them in a song and keep trying to get over.