Tag Archives: Life

Alive

26079441684_22735f15b4_z

I have a calendar with different images of sugar skulls (like those from Day of the Dead celebrations). I just wanted to try my own. I traced my own drawing of the skull so I could repeat the shape and create a different decoration in the future if I want to do another one sometime. Was fun :)

Survived the first week, but Friday was my first full day with my trainer. Already I was losing patience with myself for how confusing the computer work is to me. It will take some time and the wait for understanding will be the most difficult part…I’m good though. What’s meant to happen will be on it’s way regardless. I’m open and welcoming.

Advertisements

1 Comment

Filed under Life

Trust. Step into this moment.

I’m going to stop talking so much about the day to day now. With no one waiting for me and no goal to reach, right now is the only thing worth worrying about. The therapist I work with now gave me a task of deciding on some affirmations to keep in mind. I was surprised focusing on them actually did work to push me along a little further than my will usually goes. I took the advice seriously though. I really have no choice now.

I am an active, assertive, sincere and worthy woman.

Say it enough and it will begin not to feel so much like a lie I’m, I hope. Considering before my actions if they are what an assertive or sincere woman would do. How active in life and doing what would make one feel worthy…

It’s given me a lot of good to think about. I’m glad.

Leave a comment

Filed under Life

Sepia and shadows.

At Spring Grove Cemetery – October 2014

I just finished editing a decent sized collection of photos at this cemetery near my home. A full time work schedule led me to delay them until I decided I’ve had enough neglecting the only thing I live for, the real work I love to do. So, there are more of these to come along with pictures from my second trip to Chicago I went to earlier this month.

The good news of this week is my brother having been called for an interview at the place I work, which I think has the perfect sort of work he could live with for a while. I may have difficulty with the place, but he’s far more consistent than I, and he has no mood disorder complicating this whole business of living…

All I can say is I’m glad to meet with my psychiatrist next Friday. I feel disturbed for having not said all I should have at my last appointment. I think I do need to continue psychotherapy, along with my medications. Therapy helped me in the way of keeping me accountable in what I decide to do. I’m getting careless now – all but quitting the choir, intensely wanting to quit my job and say no to trying for any other job opportunities. Very close to saying no to life altogether. And I don’t believe these thoughts have much to do with my depression or side effects of the meds. It all comes from a very demoralized state of mind. I hear the exhaustion in my breathing and see it in my eyes. I need help, but even this seems a set up to disappointment. There may be no help from the outside on this.

I’m really on my own.

1 Comment

Filed under Life

At my heartstrings…

Some recent sketches, two of which I intend to paint.

My birthday was Saturday. Making it 25 years is not what I saw even just two years ago. And I’m surprisingly not upset at all about being wrong. Someone at work caught  me off guard Friday morning with a small gift with a card. His thoughtfulness was very unexpected, so I’m returning it with my own small gift (a small painting on a porcelain disk I did months back)  and card.

I never grew up celebrating birthdays with much more than a piece of cake or a favorite meal, and this year was no different except I threw in seeing a movie as well. I went for a short tram tour at Spring Grove cemetery yesterday  called “Angels of the Grove” and got a few photos of sculptures I’ve never come across before during my own trips there and I look forward to sharing those.

More music and paintings are in progress. I’m ready for November.

 

1 Comment

Filed under Life

Unforgettable

These are a mix of digital camera and cell phone camera photos from the NYC tour I took earlier in September. It was surprisingly stressful for me, but when else would I have been able to get to so many locations in one trip? I had a now or never state of mind and took in as much as I could. My digital camera died on me so the cell phone had to do for the remaining two days of four. My best memories will be from seeing The Phantom of the Opera at the Majestic Theater. The show was incredible and I’d put up with all the discomfort I experienced much of the time as part of that tour group again if it meant another evening like that one.

I apologize for the some blurry clips. I did my best, but we had to move so fast…lol

1 Comment

Filed under Life

“The mending isn’t real.”

There is always more to go wrong. This morning a back tooth chipped right off after I put some gum in my mouth. So unlike saving my latest paycheck as I’d planned, I’ll have to spend it on a filling or crown. I haven’t been to the dentist in over three years, btw. I don’t have dental insurance and never had the extra money to spend on those routine exams.

I intended to call my therapist to schedule something for next week, too. But I got around to it late and will have to wait. By then I expect to have given in to what I know won’t solve a thing, but will make me feel better in the moments as I wait. The pressure has been overwhelming and with no one to talk to for even just distraction has left me barely able to contain the emotion when it matters most: while at work and confronting others day to day.  It’s either allow myself to shed the tears that well up at any moment they choose, or distract my self with pain of some sort.

What trouble would it be to anyone if I just weren’t here anymore? Others are all wrapped up in the lives of those who matter more to them, for which I have never been included. And I am indeed tired of thinking these thoughts. I am tired of fighting them.

 

1 Comment

Filed under Life

What a true relief…

 

I can’t believe the good news…

I Passed!!!

My exam was last Saturday from 8:30-2:10pm. I put everything into my first attempt, praying I wouldn’t have to retake the test again and here I am. Certain I will not have to take the rigorous 150 question CPC exam ever again (if I turn in my CEUs on time that is…lol).

It’s funny how completely uncertain I walked away from the exam room when all was over with. I actually didn’t thoroughly finish the whole test, but I left no space unfilled on my scan-tron sheet. I only needed to answer 105 correctly for a 70% passing score. I got a 78%…

I did all of this–paying for a course I have no real background with all in the hopes of being certified in that field, all to get a better job. And Yet I’ve just finished my first day back at Goodwill full time. They rehired me in a different department (which was part of the reason I left the first time- no openings in any other departments). I got the call last Wednesday and breezed through today alright. Content to stay and save my full time wages until I do land a decent medical coding position.

Had I failed the test, it would have really crushed me in such a way I was actually scared to consider how I’d confront and ever move past. Paying no mind to the money I invested in the books and tuition, just knowing I didn’t apply myself enough to pass would have hurt the worst. The weight I placed on passing or not (meaning living or not) was extreme and unhealthy, but I’m still in recovery. We can’t have it all perfect. Though I’m grateful not to see the other side had those results not been so favorable…

Enough for now I guess. Incredibly thankful I am…

2 Comments

Filed under Life