Tag Archives: illness

No Innocent Mistake

This sketch is one from the early first weeks at my job, representing the way each passing hour felt and just having to accept nothing more could be done.

The song below is one of the last I worked on before full time employment took over and I had to drop all plans. At least it’s left a good memory with me for how I could find ways to recover and better understand certain emotions. It’s not all simply out of my hands.

Split

Self I hate,
I am to be always at blame.
There are no innocent mistakes…
I could not be without my shame.

Has the end come?
Has it really happened?
Have we heard our lesson?
Please tell me, have we learned?

At step one with nothing to follow next
Where everything erases, everyday resets.
Unseen progress by experience
Forgive me…
You’ve forced me to forget
The quiet ache;
You’ll not explain my regret.

Advertisements

4 Comments

Filed under Life

Of Shared Wings.

This is a painting I did the first weekend after working at my new job. I didn’t think I’d have the energy to begin anything and see it through, but I’m glad I gave the time. As frustrating as painting without a plan can be for me, this time it was a relief not knowing what to expect. That’s rare. It’s now an image to go with a song I’d finished recording only days before my first day as a new employee. I wrote these lyrics as I considered my reaction if I had been offered a position (not knowing I would be soon after)- if I would say no and feel scared or great regret for even bothering again, or if I’d say yes and feel my own strength and that I’m finally on my own side in this.

Without time for my piano these days, I’m writing a lot more. It’s keeping my head above water for now. We always do have to settle.

You Have Me

Say yes.
Take the risk.
I’ve heard the fear in these moments.
But I am beyond your death.
I rose from the fall.
I know where you have been.

Led to the beginning of end.

Trust no one else; you’re losing time.
Patience and dear faith will not save your life,
And if love is here it has chosen not to try.

Everlasting truth we find –
I carry the sky
And you will always have my wings to fly.

You will always have me.

2 Comments

Filed under Life

All Seeing

I used paint, scrap book paper, a few shreds of fabric, frayed string and yarn.

Just wanted to work with some different ideas and do a mix media sort of piece. I’m working slowly on several other projects in between work and trying to rest my mind as best I can. I made it through one week of full time work, getting used to the schedule and familiarized with at least people’s faces if not their names all the way yet…If I can make it to my 30 day review, it will mean something huge to me in where I’m at with treatment/recovering this life.

1 Comment

Filed under Life

One sweet day…

This is painted on an extra piece of the wrapping paper I’d painted and used for the gift package I put together for my mother some weeks ago.

I know my songs, poor live recordings already, have probably gotten worse- looser and overall messes, but that’s what would define me as of now and apologizing for it changes none of that. I’m basically running my self down physically by eating little and over exercising, all to feel as though I’m getting somewhere and to numb feeling so badly about all that’s happened. It’s hard to hide and every time I go a little too quiet, my mother brings up some random talk of the hospital.

It really doesn’t matter to me what happens now. Going to therapy as I used to gave consistency, which is gone now. And the more I think of the beginning and where I was when I sought help, what I’ve done since and am at this moment is nothing to be proud of or deserving of more time.

So, that’s what this poem below is about; my expectations and where I’ve failed. some lines were left out as lyrics in my recording, but the point is there.

My Constant

Remember?

I started out tied down,
Lights out in a locked up room –
But however it was, I wrestled my way through
To the outside for you.

Less with the expectation I would be taken a saved life.
I needed someone to witness and hear why it is
I deserve to die.

Yet I am here to say it,
By this needle and thread I survived.
Losing myself to the same shameful loops –
Wasted time of a fool, I survive…

And still you remain at the corner of mind
Refusing to refuse
Of all people, all us pieces, all us problems – Me

How is it you believe? Is it honor?
The patience and strength far and ever out of my reach?
Strangled by your dreams and those of the angel
I only wish I could be…

2 Comments

Filed under Life

Just Nothing.

Missing

They’ll try forever to become
Who you want them to be

Pity those who don’t listen to what they are told
The complicated way is to go looking on your own
Mistaking the signs and wasting precious time
For a purpose never there lost for you to find

It’s easy; believe what is said is truth
Live in ways meant best for you
Others have done it right
Don’t question them and you’ll be fine

Only until you question why you don’t belong to you
Missing all you recognized and pushed far out of view…

————————————–

Why do there have to be so few days where I feel grateful for having woken up? Maybe if I actually got to sleep for more than an hour…

I did a cover of Farther Away a couple of weeks ago. Sounds nothing like the upbeat/aggressive Evanescence original and that was the goal–this is a piano version: https://www.box.com/s/ba6098060886fc45450b  Why bother with trying to sound like the original when you could just go listen to that, perfect as is…

Anyway, I don’t plan anymore covers and once I’m done with the songs I’m working  on now, I’ll put the recorder away and move on. Things really aren’t going in a good direction and I’ll be throwing in the towel by the end of June.

1 Comment

Filed under Life

They’re Gaining On Me

 
Yours

You put us here
And we speak for you
We all infect your silence
We all want you to survive

Just focus, don’t you feel again?
It’s not time to apologize
As your thoughts fall over themselves
We let hope believe it has a chance

Sometimes there’s a way you stare us down
In fear as if we aren’t your own
In fear of just how much we’ve grown and
With us, you fear you’re further alone

Remember, we are all you have to trust
There is no one else who will listen
Or agree with you when you need control
Or lie that your best act is letting go

And be sure, you must never let us show
You must never let those other whispers know…

————

A recent painting, inspired by a line in a favorite song–just something I’d wanted to make sure I finished. The poem is months old, part of a bunch I’ve already lost faith in. What I’m writing now is actually scaring me for the simple fact it’s so much. None of them can really be called “poems” though, they’re too wordy and long and I’m failing miserably at this too aren’t I…

2030 Calories on the bike this morning. Enough said. I got to the doctor Tuesday.

1 Comment

Filed under Life