Tag Archives: Hate

Freedom

An underwater painting I’ve recently finished. Couldn’t get it perfect, but I learned a lot. Strange things have been happening, but I’m trying not to worry or act impulsively. Fear leads me to do awful things.

Someone has apparently reported my music account on another site for ‘copyright infringement’ and my uploads are being threatened. I always mention the artists of every song I do a cover of and most of those are clips, not the full song. And every single track on this blog and online I have is offered to anyone for free… I’m waiting now to hear back, but with my luck I’ll probably be silenced all together. I don’t understand people. I’ve never wanted a damn thing except a place of my own to share what I do.

Maybe it’s time to start over.

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Of Shared Wings.

This is a painting I did the first weekend after working at my new job. I didn’t think I’d have the energy to begin anything and see it through, but I’m glad I gave the time. As frustrating as painting without a plan can be for me, this time it was a relief not knowing what to expect. That’s rare. It’s now an image to go with a song I’d finished recording only days before my first day as a new employee. I wrote these lyrics as I considered my reaction if I had been offered a position (not knowing I would be soon after)- if I would say no and feel scared or great regret for even bothering again, or if I’d say yes and feel my own strength and that I’m finally on my own side in this.

Without time for my piano these days, I’m writing a lot more. It’s keeping my head above water for now. We always do have to settle.

You Have Me

Say yes.
Take the risk.
I’ve heard the fear in these moments.
But I am beyond your death.
I rose from the fall.
I know where you have been.

Led to the beginning of end.

Trust no one else; you’re losing time.
Patience and dear faith will not save your life,
And if love is here it has chosen not to try.

Everlasting truth we find –
I carry the sky
And you will always have my wings to fly.

You will always have me.

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Before I knew better.

A variation of one of my first paintings, when I started this sort of work as a way to cope and long before I knew I could expect worse.

I barely made it through this day. I feel trapped and as if I’m being forced into silence, by having no time now to deal with my frustration in the better ways I know to. At the same time, it’s not like I’m ever really heard anyway. My voice and loud piano annoy people, the lines I write are a foolish mess and I’m always so empty of worth. No wonder I prefer the hunger pains. Somehow it means something within is still trying to fight the hollowness. Physical hurt will always make more sense.

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The Beauty Of…

Won,
For So Little.

Their presence, made known.
Well they spoke by fierce shifting’s of wind.
The others, above and underworld,
Demand to be let in.

For each to stake their claim –
To make their case, settle in and have their ways
Before this spirit has chance to rise
From its final breath, be shaken dim
Its spark of life.

The desperate moment we are given a taste…
The beauty of that aged ache soullessness creates.
A glimpse past the disadvantage of human eyes –
Bridged finally within mind,

Punishment and promise defined.

I’m waiting to hear back about an interview I had on Friday. I was feeling really great about my chances, but as usual with any good feelings, it was short lived. Things are complicated at home also. My doctor mentioned something I was already reading up on called Expressed Emotion that has given me insight into what’s probably going on between my mother and I and the anger/disappointment I sense just beneath the surface from her so often. I know it’s not easy putting up with my coldness and low moods and I wish she was honest with me about just how frustrated she truly is. I’m so sorry to still be this sort of burden to her. As all over the place as I am in trying to regulate my own emotions, from the food restrictions and over exercising I can’t stop- to remembering my medication each night, it’s wearing me out worrying about every move I make around her and the rest of my family.

Nothing I’m supposed to mention though. The point of all is once again losing me.

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Meant of me.

I’ll pass the moment…

I’m sharing the video below here to help move past some major insecurities. I’m singing an a-capella version of something I wrote. I recorded with a piano arrangement, but I think I butchered the whole thing so I went back. Most of my songs start out with no music at all like this, so I thought it was a decent one to attempt by video first (I made two).

Just to explain, I’m extremely uncomfortable with fully facing any camera and always have been. Recording something in the way I have here and re-watching it leaves me very embarrassed and desperate to apologize. Just setting aside the stupid reasons behind my shame, I am sorry. Maybe one day I can play it back and not feel so disgusted.

Anyway, below is the piano arrangement of this song I mentioned before.

I’ve had a strange week. Two interviews I thought went the best I could have expected and another week spent less interested in truly hurting myself. I understand something now that I’ve needed to understand better for a long time. It doesn’t fix everything, but helps me keep the slight grasp I feel I’ve regained recently.

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Impulse

This is the first painting after a long break that I’ve completed. I started it with a free mind, but it eventually became the frustration I feared it would become. It has been so difficult to stay motivated when starting anything because I don’t want to waste time on something that is only going to fail. Being overwhelmed with that sort of disappointment has shut me down in so many ways. But I forced myself to start on and work through a new piece. Each day fighting the urge to rip and throw away what I saw as an ugly mess of confusion. For all I know it could still look that way, but at least now I can live with it.

For once I didn’t choose complete destruction of a problem over working through one and coping with patience. I thought I abandoned that approach long ago, but somehow things do tend to come back around again. There was something more to learn.

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It’s right I lose.

Almost forgot about this one.

Messed up a little with the song below, but it was only a second take from weeks ago- a section from an old poem.   No sense in taking anything I do seriously anymore. It’s all an empty effort for how far it’s gotten me or given. I’m tired for the time I cared.

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