The final day of 2015…I am glad to see it go and gladder I made it through. What a difficult year it was. Losing my therapist, changing medications, getting through 1yr of full time work, the stuff with the old choir, going to different churches, taking my first yoga class…
Some good and some bad, but there is no doubt of personal growth here. By making it to 26 (which I didn’t expect) I’ve been forced to seriously consider the distant future and where I want to put myself.
Fortunately I’m up for that right now and for the near future at least.
I have notified everyone necessary about my break from the choir for the rest of April if not the rest of our singing season before fall returns. With that extra time I hope to fall in with another doctor. I’ve already got an appointment set, but I don’t yet know if this psychiatrist offers psychotherapy as well. I’m doubting it, which will mean making another appointment with a psychologist somewhere and learning how to manage between the two regarding my medication.
In the background of all this, I still wonder what the hell is the point. But things are okay right now. I’m not hurting myself outright and while my thoughts can become vicious from time to time, I’m in no rush to act. This week will mark 9 months full time on my job. The closer I get to a full year, the more freedom I expect to at least feel, if not set on a new course by then. I may return to school for something else, or I might hit the road somehow and be the starving artist. I wouldn’t last long alone, but it offers a conclusion of my own terms. I am nothing better than the next person, so why not do what makes me feel closer to my honest self? Life as it is right now for the next 20 or 30 years scares me more than turning away at the risk of dying young.
Just some thoughts. In the mean time, there is much music to record.
You know I had to just try out the a capella piece I used in my audition with piano sooner or later…lol This recording was spontaneously improvised and was before I made slight changes to the lyrics.
So I went to the new member orientation last weekend and got a better feel for the type of group/organization this choir is. They ask a lot of their members and I’m willing to give what I can in time and volunteering for certain things, as long as I feel like I’m not wasting my energy. I only want to sing and if this weren’t the only women’s choir in the city I could have auditioned for, I would have sought others and continued to look for a good fit for me. But I have to take the opportunities as they come.
I’ve told them I’ll have to miss the first rehearsal due to my NYC trip, so the next event will be a Saturday retreat get together on the 13th at a location I’ve never been to. Once all of this is out of they way, I’ll have to show up every Monday for rehearsal and pray I’m ready for November’s concerts…
Of course, I think of all these demands and wonder if it’s not better to ditch the whole thing and just find a guitarist willing to put up with me to work on material. Maybe even trying out an open mic performance somewhere…Either way, my increased dosage of my meds I hope means I’ll regain the nerve to go beyond my limits. Time is never going to stand still and wait for me.
Some happier images to share….This has been a really long three months.
I have one more week of class. Review day. My exam is next Saturday at 8am. Five hours and forty minutes to take the test and then I will finally be able to breathe.
At this point I don’t care what the outcome is. Sure I will do my best (I’ve read the whole text and taken my practice final twice over now), but I need to get this over with now and move on.
Last week I asked to be placed on call with the store I work at. The hours were being cut down to the point it was a waste of gas for me to bother going out there. At least now I can still say I am indeed employed still as I apply and interview elsewhere. I know I will find something eventually. Better? Who knows, but surely something.
I set up a therapy appointment for yesterday, mainly for another prescription but also to update with all that’s been going on. But as I was going on about something, my doctor interrupted with asking if there was any particular reason I was there. I took it as an indication I was wasting his time, felt embarrassed, said I didn’t need to stay, got the script and left quite early.
I know I exist in my own bubble, isolated from others ever knowing what I do or why. And I suppose I’m so out of practice with describing my thoughts to others that it must sound to him like I’m talking in circles about nothing at all.
It’s all fine though. I’m going to taper the medication, stop all together soon after and then see how well I can handle life with nothing and no one. That is my sentence and I’m going to have to be okay with that or allow it to kill me. None of this is worth the struggle anymore.
Can’t wait to get back to my art…
This is something new I’ve been working on. It’s a small cardboard form I picked up at a craft store. I wanted to practice with it before moving on to a larger body form I’ve had sitting around blank for too long. I’m going to clear coat it then find something to prop it up on and maybe bring it to an art walk/craft show I’m considering registering for this coming May.
I’ve really been enjoying the new music I’m spending time on. Now I’m on the search for someone to share them with. Someone who might have art of their own to share. Art helps inspire and create more art and maybe I’ll find myself in a better way with others somehow…Safe from isolation.
This painting took too long to finish for my lack of energy with the details, but I’m glad I finally have the idea complete.
Lead Us To
Okay, you’ve gotten a peak.
There is something diseased
Beneath its mild and sweetly lit smile,
You know now not to speak.
Already robbed of energy –
We try to keep up pace
But today she is resistant toward me
And our obligation
To bend and lift then bend again,
Hating we’re here and with hope for
Only how all ends and when…
I don’t know where I fit
And her color changes from
Healing to certain hell,
Wishing us and all the rest be dead.
The only help of use at this phase
Would lead to and through
Our dying days.
I think my co-worker is a little uneasy with me. I let my frustration show a lot more than I thought was actually getting across, even though I tried to hide my anger the best I could. This week was so up and down…I don’t trust myself to make any decision when it’s so easy for my motivations to be swayed by how I’m feeling at any given minute. It’s difficult to sift through what I truly want from what my emotions lead me to think. My voice I don’t trust is my own.
I’m considering school again. Going back and taking classes to earn a certificate, but I can’t settle on what to take quite yet. Something that will develop my skills toward a profession I think I can live with. Doesn’t have to have anything to do with art, since I’ll never give that up no matter what I do for money, but just something I can better tolerate than what I continue to throw myself into now job to job…trading one type of hell for another.
A clip recorded about three weeks ago…I hate it but can’t let myself hide anymore. I just had a nervous moment where my words got lost trying to talk about the crafts I was working on. I’ll try to explain myself better next time, if I can ever get more comfortable speaking in front of the camera.
The shrug below is the first I tried to sew together (the underside is a mess of string…lol). I painted first then tried to shape it as best I could without cutting.
And this is my wall after I redecorated it back in July. The small framed canvas at the center near the top isn’t mine but one I bought for $5 at an antique store that caught my eye.
Probably too much to share at once, but I need a distraction. I’ve been having real distress over what I’m going to do about my future employment, but I had a helpful session today. I need to go in a direction that is a real commitment I don’t easily lose faith in. All options have to be open.