Never Ever Known – Original song
True, so true.
Afraid I am of you.
And I don’t know what to say.
I’ve never known a friend to stay.
Nobody is some lonely one
Hidden amongst the graves.
And just like him, I patiently wait
Just like him, I know the living aren’t safe.
You’re not safe. I tell you,
Take whatever it is you mean to take.
Hurt me, hate me, have your way. Because
I’ve never, ever known
A friend to stay.
This is a small 5 x 7 painting I did with the intention of giving the original to someone at work who has a birthday coming up. They like bonsai plants and this is based off a photo I took some years ago at the conservatory (the original is better than how weird this image above turned out). Now I’ve put this offering on pause and feel foolish for considering it at all. I need to stop with the giving; giving so much when barely even a thank you is offered in return. Every time I think of sending cards or art prints I do it with an innocent hope I may be given real friendship and consideration one day- even just a flicker shown for me to hold onto. Yet there’s usually silence, sometimes a ‘thank you’, often times spoken soullessly as if it was a burden. Then I’m left feeling stupid for being so thoughtful as if I could ever mean so much to another human. Still, I hate how bitter I’ve become. It is time for me to let go of the disappointment and let go of the need for other people to care. There was a time when even someone just pretending to care was worth more than gold to me, but that’s really worse.
So, my books will just have make up for my friendless situation. And that’s been okay. I just finished reading The Portrait of a Lady by Henry James, and despite the infuriating ending, I truly enjoyed how the story unfolded. Glad I randomly chose a good one this time…lol Maybe I can really lose myself in writing one of my own someday.
These were some last minute additions to the other pieces I took to the May art walk at Essex Studios last weekend. A second painted body form and a glass dial I designed a little scene on.
So I went with my mother last Thursday to set up that afternoon. It was definitely something to set up all of my work and have to leave it over night, trusting all would be left alone until I returned…lol Despite my stuff being nothing to lose sleep over, I was a little worried. Below are pictures I took over the weekend. I did sell three pictures which included one of the small crayon drawings I’ve shared here. Several pieces of my jewelry were sold along with a blouse my mother made and one of her large quilts. Together we made twice the amount of registration, so I couldn’t walk away feeling too bad. I think what put me out more was how overdone I felt for what the reality turned out to be. That and also how few of the people we both invited actually cared enough to show up. It sort of confirmed how out of sight/out of mind I feel from others. Couldn’t help wondering why I tried so hard.
But then there was one truly bright moment where two of my acquaintances from the NAMI class I invited did follow through with their commitment to meet me there and see what I had to share. They said they got lost trying to find the studio yet managed to continue on and make it anyway. That really meant so much to me, and one of them went away with one of my favorite paintings. I gave her another one I saw she was interested in for free along with what she purchased. Both of these women said how proud they were of me for the work that went into this first showing. It was honestly difficult to find many words to respond with. I’m not used to support of the sort like what they showed me and it’s helped to push me further than I thought I was ever meant to go with my art, or involving others in anything I do. This could be the first and last show I do or the beginning of several for years to come for all I know. The possibilities are real though, and I am so grateful for that.
This was on opening night…
The wall after set up…
Below are some of the pieces my mother brought alongside me.
And a snap shot of her on day two…lol Caught off guard.
We brought some extra stuff the second day, but it was unfortunately worse than the first night as far as general foot traffic. A lot was going on in the city last weekend and I’m just grateful for those who did stop by our little booth and take in what was there.
In closing, one shot of me against the wall that my mother took at her insistence (you can tell I was beat by then…lol).
The sketch of this was posted some weeks ago. Finally got it out of the way and I’ll be looking for a frame for it now to hopefully take it with me to the art walk. I’ll have a bit of a flower theme going on I think since several other pieces are also blooms.
I’m getting a little nervous now, too. My mother and I both have invited people and I have two so far who have confirmed days they’ll stop by. Nothing will be as it’s been planned in my head to obsess over, and the very fact others are interested is more than enough for me. But I have thoughts here and there about not being/having enough or being far less than impressive some how. Silly things to waste mental energy on, I know, especially with the class I’m so absorbed with. I just hope everything goes smoothly. Being a first time participant is what’s getting me I think. Being new has always been difficult for me to cope with…lol
Today was a rough day. Nothing went right from the moment I got up, but at least it was warm outside, and not raining. I framed some more paintings, played a new song on my piano that worked out well…Nothing more I need.
The song below is new and one I had fun putting together:
This voice is still a child.
This soul loses itself amid the
Myriad shades of gray.
Here and there, creates a face,
And begs the god she’s found her place.
To settle in as human.
To rest – content to stay.
Nothing would mean more
If not so soon she’s run away.
I cannot wait to see life again outside. I really miss trees with their leaves and the flowers in bloom…
Below is the finished project I mentioned weeks ago about working on. It’s been done for a while but I still have no title for it and I’m considering it as another piece to bring with me to the Art Walk I’m attending in May.
Although it’s a month away, I have most of my work framed and priced as I work on other small crafts to include at my table. I will admit this preparation has been a great distraction from my anxiety about class beginning this Tuesday. I have my books and I’m prepared to throw myself into hours of study and reading. I just hope my changing moods don’t cause too much of a stir. Change in any sense can be a trigger for me, so I’m trying to remain mindful and listen to my thoughts.
The final NAMI Peer-to-Peer class is Monday evening and I’m already feeling as if I’m losing people close to me. I know the feeling is out of reach from what I’m actually aware of in not being terribly close to anyone in truth, but there is an attachment and a familiarity I know I’ll deeply miss. I felt safe with the group and welcomed. The world outside has not been so kind and I don’t want to return to that isolation.
So I will just have to keep reaching out.
More music and video clips on the way….