Tag Archives: freedom

The Ocean

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I just felt like painting a land/seascape. I’m supposed to be on a trip to Maine in September and maybe I’ll get to see something like it up there… Life is up and down, always and always. I’m not fighting it anymore.

 

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At my heartstrings…

Some recent sketches, two of which I intend to paint.

My birthday was Saturday. Making it 25 years is not what I saw even just two years ago. And I’m surprisingly not upset at all about being wrong. Someone at work caught  me off guard Friday morning with a small gift with a card. His thoughtfulness was very unexpected, so I’m returning it with my own small gift (a small painting on a porcelain disk I did months back)  and card.

I never grew up celebrating birthdays with much more than a piece of cake or a favorite meal, and this year was no different except I threw in seeing a movie as well. I went for a short tram tour at Spring Grove cemetery yesterday  called “Angels of the Grove” and got a few photos of sculptures I’ve never come across before during my own trips there and I look forward to sharing those.

More music and paintings are in progress. I’m ready for November.

 

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When the knife reaches bone…

“When the knife reaches bone, your life must change.”
Rumi:Bridge to the Soul pg.49

This painting has a spray painted background. I wanted to work in a way I never have before.

One week unemployed and I’ve already got an interview this coming Monday. I’m not saying there is nothing to worry about, but I am realizing nothing will be exactly as I’ve known before and I’m not allowing fear to run me off before I have a chance to gather a plan and rely on my own skills. That those skills may be enough to get me through safely if not actually better off.

Family has been in town. I’ve had some new experiences and despite the heavy moods that grip me unexpectedly from time to time, I’m coping with the transition well. I’ve tried and will just keep trying.

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Defined

 A self-portrait.

Below is the last portion of a poem I wrote. I sang it with piano several weeks ago, trying to get my grip again and move on.

The desperate moment we are given a taste…
The beauty of that aged ache soullessness creates.
A glimpse past the disadvantage of human eyes –
Bridged finally within mind,

Punishment and promise defined.”

So there is news. I gave my notice last Friday and am in the middle of my final week. Two months by anyone’s opinion is awful, but I gave it a shot. I’m not physically well enough to sustain much longer – full time this way is becoming intolerable – but I feel less self hatred this time around for choosing to part ways. There’s nothing I’m afraid of or particularly running from. And the pressure of others always in my head has disappeared now that the decision is made. The panic I felt about having to stay, having to make it work, or else I couldn’t live…it won’t do. Fitting into anything I’m clearly incompatible with is what has wasted the most of my time, on earth actually. My entire life, one big waste of worry and self inflicted hurts.

I don’t care what happens next. If I get my strength back maybe it will be enough to dream past all I thought I was supposed to do and be- let it go and never look toward that for meaning and worth ever again.

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As Above…

“I carry the sky”

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The New

Fragile First Attempt 11/13/2011

A sketch I did a little editing to. Simpler than what I thought it would have turned into, but right to stop drawing when I did. This weekend I’m beginning work on a new painting which I’ve held off from long enough. My personal life, for what it has become, leaves me feeling shocked I’ve actually gotten this far with no change. I really can’t believe it. Having tried far beyond what I thought I was capable of and still see no change. They tell me “Just wait, someone will call you, something will come along”, but I’m about through with waiting on others. It’s time I take back control, forget about being accepted or given a chance anymore and truly finish this. I will find a place to put myself and that will be the end of it.

The New

Their gardens emit unbearable greetings
I can’t acclimate…
The newness kills me

This limited happiness ever to seek the
Pleasure of painless simplicity
The safe shallow water of a see through stream

Compared to what I know…

The unrelenting waves of its surface
Then stillness…
A punishing cold

Hundreds of feet far below

——————

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