Tag Archives: faith

What’s Left

23137270366_3c6a209125On my Sunday birthday last month I went to the church with an uncle for a one hour service. It was a nice gathering space (with free coffee), but very soon into it I began to feel uncomfortable. Another person trying to convince me of their interpretation of the bible has never sat well with me. All I kept saying in my head was ‘how do you know?’ or ‘what makes you think you’re right? What if you aren’t right?’. Some subjects were brought up that made me wonder what the general political leanings are there. Over all though, I think continuing as a member would leave me the same way the choir did. I’d have to keep up a mask, with fake enthusiasm and unquestioning faith. I’ve been in a certain space for so long that I can’t latch onto certain beliefs even if I wanted to or if it made this living thing easier. I can’t have it my way, most of the time if not all.

I’ve tried working on songs and painting here and there, but it’s not as fulfilling as it used to be. My job sucks and they want more than 40 hours of my life it seems every week now. The support group is still really good to be part of, but I need something more.

I’ve started yoga. I’m working on beginners poses and trying to improve my flexibility before paying for my first class. Hope it can draw me out a little more into the community. Cincinnati just kind of sucks. It’s not easy to get to the spots where life is going on, and when you find it, the price is high or the traffic and parking are terrible. It’s hard not to say don’t bother when it comes to carrying out plans.

And still I have to get past feeling like 26=30. Or like this half dead feeling I walk around with means something more.

I just need ideas now. What haven’t I thought of yet, to do, be, try for? What’s left?

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The awful will of rage was then let go…

Dark Self, Dark Soul

The moment I spoke
Dark angel caught my breath and
Gathered my control.
The awful will of rage was then let go.

A spill of words so bold
Of a daring I have never known.
Rejected, abandoned…
This hatred I must own.

This hatred of self and soul…
I die again alone.

 —

I miss the feeling of having a close friend. I miss actually believing I mattered to somebody–less in the way as a cold fact and more real emotion within to recognize. It’s true things are different now in many ways. I’m not on the edge daring myself to fall anymore, but I’ve not been completely won over either. And I guess I might never be that safe again, but maybe there still is more good that has yet to show.

I’ve painted another little mother’s day card and found a sweet quote to include. My mother knows she’s the only one I’ve really kept hanging on for. I really don’t deserve her generosity or the faith in life she has shared with me. But I will try not to fail any further than I’ve managed to. I will try to believe as she does my patience will be worth it.

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The Will to Wait…

This song clip is the last one I’ve completed. The melody sort of popped into mind after I’d finished taking a long walk and I just wanted to get something down from it.

I haven’t been doing very well. The worst of this depression is having my only bit of certainty be held in the belief I’m going to die soon. At some moments it scares me and at others I’m just relieved it means a conclusion to what I go through and do to myself. I know I’m with an illness that I can’t just think/pray my way out of and what’s scaring me most is realizing the rest of my years won’t be without it recurring again and again. I’m exhausted.

Maybe tomorrow will be the one I’ve been waiting for.

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“From the Nothing I’ve Become”

These sketches just belong together.

I wrote the poem below weeks ago after discussing something with my doctor that still leaves me feeling like I’ll endlessly be ramming into a brick wall as long as I’m alive. But anyway, I put that anger into these lines and tried, but failed by the results, to sing them how I meant. What else is new… My music is still a huge secret when I think about the time – something only I really know/care and have to obsess over. It’s keeping me though, whether or not the more days I have are a waste, some ideas aren’t letting me go quite yet.

I Must

You say no.
Too much I am.
It’s far too much I ask –
That you listen and respond,
Give me worth and grace me with your words

When I’m broken and begging you to mean the world.

Exhausted with my sickness, aren’t we all?
I promise you, it won’t happen again.
I promise I’ll do better to pretend I have no choice
But to survive,
Be strong enough to live up to this lie…

I must believe in what I’ve lost faith in –
Be against all that I trust.
When the silence and great distance are all that
I’ve ever known of love.

http://official.fm/tracks/fujS?artwork=1&tracklist=1&width=500&height=200&artwork_left=1&skin_bg=000000&skin_fg=FFFFFF

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As Written Off- song/video…

Just a poem I wanted to try and perform this time. Took a while to let go of how I might look and focus totally on the actual delivery, but this is as good as it gets…Sorry for the poor quality.

As Written Off

Lines of distress –
The cold blooded crisscross of right and wrong
Brought to an end.

I am proven beyond faith and it’s final fall.

The light lingering
Less and less alive…
Just as written off
As the unheard cry…

Final version below…

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Don’t leave the worst out.

The Hate You Mean

Speak your heart.
Don’t leave the worst out – your hurt just for me,
The hate you mean.

I never needed you to lie. It rests at my foundation.
The sick of soul feeds from inside,
Scraping clean my humanness…

She is begging to die.

 —

Something I wrote days before deciding to leave the bakery.

I’ve eaten nothing for three days now. Still managed to do my routine exercising this morning, but definitely took it easy – I had no choice with the chest pain/short breath, but I felt better afterward at least. And I don’t feel like I have a choice but to keep myself empty until I have a reason not to be. There are no interviews, no plans to look forward to – just more nothing. A lack of will and lack of “life goals” that has no easy fix. I thought about contacting my doctor, but what can he do or anyone else? We discussed my taking a trip, but I’m in no condition to go anywhere by myself. And beside that, there will be the same emptiness to return home to. I’d rather not return at all.

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One sweet day…

This is painted on an extra piece of the wrapping paper I’d painted and used for the gift package I put together for my mother some weeks ago.

I know my songs, poor live recordings already, have probably gotten worse- looser and overall messes, but that’s what would define me as of now and apologizing for it changes none of that. I’m basically running my self down physically by eating little and over exercising, all to feel as though I’m getting somewhere and to numb feeling so badly about all that’s happened. It’s hard to hide and every time I go a little too quiet, my mother brings up some random talk of the hospital.

It really doesn’t matter to me what happens now. Going to therapy as I used to gave consistency, which is gone now. And the more I think of the beginning and where I was when I sought help, what I’ve done since and am at this moment is nothing to be proud of or deserving of more time.

So, that’s what this poem below is about; my expectations and where I’ve failed. some lines were left out as lyrics in my recording, but the point is there.

My Constant

Remember?

I started out tied down,
Lights out in a locked up room –
But however it was, I wrestled my way through
To the outside for you.

Less with the expectation I would be taken a saved life.
I needed someone to witness and hear why it is
I deserve to die.

Yet I am here to say it,
By this needle and thread I survived.
Losing myself to the same shameful loops –
Wasted time of a fool, I survive…

And still you remain at the corner of mind
Refusing to refuse
Of all people, all us pieces, all us problems – Me

How is it you believe? Is it honor?
The patience and strength far and ever out of my reach?
Strangled by your dreams and those of the angel
I only wish I could be…

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