Tag Archives: failure

So Without Grace…

I’m tired of living with such a black heart where emptiness and rejection are all that’s ever allowed in.

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Trying to keep it together.

The hours at work are spent in endless rumination. It’s what I tried explaining to my previous doctor when I said something always comes over me when I’m there that makes time there feel unbearable, causing unexpected tears to well up and a battle to keep my composure. As much as I might try keeping a tune in my head to distract or try focusing on my breathing, it doesn’t get me through the entire day. And I’m aware that it’s all me. I could be anywhere and I’d still experience this and I feel guilty that it isn’t so easy as to just think positively or being able to shut my thoughts out, but it is how it is and may always be. When days like this happen to be particularly bad, I really wonder if I am doing well at all or am anywhere near it. Or if my definition of “well” is far off from what I should ever really expect.

I tried to get in touch with the new psychiatrist earlier this week and didn’t get a call back. So I give up on scheduling an additional session and will wait until the June appointment. By then I hope I haven’t slipped too far back, but somewhere inside I wouldn’t mind seeing that happen. I’m much less convinced it matters what I end up doing to myself, especially when there isn’t truly anyone to turn to. I’ll leave it my business. My own secrets.

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Ways to bleed.

This song speaks for itself I guess. I returned home one evening a little too exhausted with it all.

http://www.official.fm/tracks/g9Bi

Driven To It

Deeply contained
With heartbeats rightly pressed against
What feels like the end.

Yes oh yes. Please God.
Do away with me.

Place me open full to the pain.
Their empty, patient wait for change
Has driven me insane.

This empty mind, this routine life has
Driven me insane.

Although it’s a small thing and only important to me, right now being able to spill my emotion in song is all that’s keeping the breath in me. It’s a little frightening for just how much I feel like my life is hanging onto it. Nothing is solved by it- I have no more worth than before a song is finished or after it’s heard (if ever heard at all), so it would make sense that when I run out of energy or the will to do this anymore, I will be gone or on the way.

I catch glimpses ever so often of how little my life makes sense to others. The job hopping over the years, full of hope one moment and drowning or begging to in the next…I can’t tolerate, just being at all. Lately it’s hurt having to tolerate with absolutely no response–even my own family couldn’t care enough to call or heaven forbid actually send me a letter of reply. Just one for the ten thousand I see now I’ve wasted my time sending. They must be laughing at the fool I am– one never worth the cost of a stamp.

This is so ugly of me. I can’t tolerate my own anger either, as I never could feel it was okay to have anger without also carrying all the guilt. I’m just losing every fight now it seems.

Well, choir practice starts again in another week. Although I might be closer to collapse, I’ll keep on until it happens.

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“The mending isn’t real.”

There is always more to go wrong. This morning a back tooth chipped right off after I put some gum in my mouth. So unlike saving my latest paycheck as I’d planned, I’ll have to spend it on a filling or crown. I haven’t been to the dentist in over three years, btw. I don’t have dental insurance and never had the extra money to spend on those routine exams.

I intended to call my therapist to schedule something for next week, too. But I got around to it late and will have to wait. By then I expect to have given in to what I know won’t solve a thing, but will make me feel better in the moments as I wait. The pressure has been overwhelming and with no one to talk to for even just distraction has left me barely able to contain the emotion when it matters most: while at work and confronting others day to day.  It’s either allow myself to shed the tears that well up at any moment they choose, or distract my self with pain of some sort.

What trouble would it be to anyone if I just weren’t here anymore? Others are all wrapped up in the lives of those who matter more to them, for which I have never been included. And I am indeed tired of thinking these thoughts. I am tired of fighting them.

 

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The awful will of rage was then let go…

Dark Self, Dark Soul

The moment I spoke
Dark angel caught my breath and
Gathered my control.
The awful will of rage was then let go.

A spill of words so bold
Of a daring I have never known.
Rejected, abandoned…
This hatred I must own.

This hatred of self and soul…
I die again alone.

 —

I miss the feeling of having a close friend. I miss actually believing I mattered to somebody–less in the way as a cold fact and more real emotion within to recognize. It’s true things are different now in many ways. I’m not on the edge daring myself to fall anymore, but I’ve not been completely won over either. And I guess I might never be that safe again, but maybe there still is more good that has yet to show.

I’ve painted another little mother’s day card and found a sweet quote to include. My mother knows she’s the only one I’ve really kept hanging on for. I really don’t deserve her generosity or the faith in life she has shared with me. But I will try not to fail any further than I’ve managed to. I will try to believe as she does my patience will be worth it.

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The Failed Result.

I ruined this piece and prefer the sketch over the mess I turned it into with trying to add shades. At least I worked out the misplaced energy through working on this. It’s a sacrifice for what I hope is better work now in progress. But with that said, I look at this and understand what I needed to say and have said before. What is on the inside will always find its way out, no matter how high one might try to hold themselves in front of others. Sometimes it makes things easier if I consider everyone might just be seeing right through me.

Five watercolors and one acrylic have been framed for what I’ll be showing at the Essex ArtWalk in May. Once I put a piece in a frame it seems to make it instantly more difficult to think of parting ways with…lol I hope I do though. It would be a first and one I’m excited to move past.

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Not what it seems.

 This is left over from when I was finger painting (most of the background work) and then throwing in a few brush strokes, an unplanned mess.

After a week feeling a strange anger toward my therapist and more intensely toward myself, I spent the last seven days leveling into a sadness and acceptance that I don’t think I could have managed further on without finally establishing. I may hate the circumstances I’m in, but I cannot keep skipping around with different ideas to act on all in the attempt to avoid more pain and feeling trapped in a worse way. I can tolerate what I’m stuck doing at this point, and as long as I’m not treated any worse at work, I’ll be okay for a few months or more if that’s the sentence I’m given…

Here are two more recent songs, one is the complete version of an earlier video clip I shared here and the other is also a complete recording from a poem I’d posted while it was still in progress.

The 1st:

I Forgive You

The shield has worn of its kindness
And hope is torn from its blindness.
Every face you see – my every identity
Soon buried and blessed,
My very best, soon laid to rest.

I won’t wait for you, my sister.
I won’t wait like the fool.
The patience of you made sure
You’ll never move.
You will never do what must be done.
The fear must be overcome.

And I forgive you, mother –
I forgive you and the other,
But don’t waste my time –
Don’t think you can change my mind.
Your love is the reason why I would
Rather die than to trust my heart
To anyone.

But for you, not even
Blood was enough to stay.
Your screams will not save you
From the nightmare,

From my nightmare
There is no escape.

And the 2nd:

I remember someone once commenting that my songs with piano were grating, both of which these probably fall into being as well, but I’m okay with it. I won’t attempt singing these again anyway for the trouble I had following my notes…lol I had fun though.

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