“I can’t keep going under.”
A recent piece. I wanted to try painting movement/motion (I referenced a photo and added ideas). I don’t practice it enough and know the expression is not as strong as I intended, so everything now looks weird, but it’s an attempt. With work these days taking over, I’m most happy I actually completed something I planned to do. It was like finally taking a breath.
Just part of the acoustic arrangement for the song Lost In Paradise. I was excited I actually put together something by ear for the most part (I’ve found no complete sheets for the acoustic version I wanted, so I did what I could).
Drawn From the Darkness
The painting here started out as just a portrait referencing a cool photo (an Amy Lee stage pic), but the more I worked on it the more I saw the sky/cloud background as necessary–something I had to see through.
Today I went to therapy and spilled most of what’s been going on. We talked and I left feeling as if he’s taken my hand and led me at least several steps away from the edge. I’m considering a trip on my own somewhere, and with the money I’ve saved it’s all at my say as to when.
The clip below is a partial piano cover of a song called “The Change”. I just love the lyrics and wanted to express them in my own way.
Abstracted from what kept it alive
I accede to the broken tune
The death I carry is as if I walk
With a grave stone planted
At the back of my skull
Fear – again – is accepted
As reason and rule
Victim’s eyes were taken to
Set free the soul of mirror
Shards lodged into mine at my glance
All the while a gun was placed
Right there in your hands…
All hidden beginnings
Have led the same end
You’ve watched and
You’ve let me happen
Never drawing, older poem. I don’t know how I made it through this week. Everyday that passed it never got better–the heaviness never lifted.
Taking my thoughts back to the last time I did something for fun, here is a link to a piano cover I did for “Tourniquet”. It sucks of course, but fun to sing anyway. Everything from the 2 minute mark and after is all I care for really, totally improvised:
And the world turns…
To Lose the Lost
“It forbids wave and open flow
Waters have frozen still
A flame within never to show
Rough earth and air be all we know”
I wrote it out for you
And read over, then stepped away
Then forgot and read over again
What about you is so different?
Tell me what you need.
And if there is nothing, why is it you won’t leave?
I forget how you got here and what you arrived with.
My same weaker dreams without their guardian,
Loved so distantly if at all for my neglect…
And now they have all gone
They have killed themselves all off.
The drawing above is with pastels. Desperate to draw something, but not knowing what, I usually resort to eyes- trying to express what I’m feeling through an image of the eye.
I feel very worn. My first therapy session in weeks was this past Tuesday and I came away feeling just enough disgust for what I’ve turned into, but not in the way that would push me to try harder. It was more in the way of pushing me to shut down in all ways. I think I’ve taken too many steps back- losing the urgency I once had to make the most of my time/opportunities.
Early last month I fell into doing another Evanescence cover, this time of the song Whisper (it’s short, just the first verse). This is more of my just reading the lyrics one day and interpreting how they made me feel through my own musical arrangement. So, not really a cover in the normal way I guess, but anyway…
By Any Means
Long before she even knew of no,
And those wide wings ached
To lift her high…
Agony enraptures the spark of my spine
And the cry was heard well past the
Wiser weakness of gone through.
Still I, always the untrue
And you, always the wrong
And both our skies would never fall
Were we to will them to,
The nightmare still remains to be felt
And no matter what worse way I think up to
Console myself, all is useless.
Fear has drained me and I will not get far
Before I am taken and all is ripped apart.
Then sooner be the end to both our need…
Let it come – let it have me,
Let it be shown my way.
By movement of any means
Sweat me of this sickness-
Bleed me of all regret and
For my mind again.
The painting is new, completed about two or three weeks ago. I used the poem below it as lyrics to music I was working on, which I might post one day once my embarrassment dies down…
This is a short clip of a live song performance I covered. Only the first verse and chorus. Worth being laughed at, but maybe one day I’ll feel nothing and won’t care: https://www.box.com/s/7c19e56624677b3893af
They’ll try forever to become
Who you want them to be
Pity those who don’t listen to what they are told
The complicated way is to go looking on your own
Mistaking the signs and wasting precious time
For a purpose never there lost for you to find
It’s easy; believe what is said is truth
Live in ways meant best for you
Others have done it right
Don’t question them and you’ll be fine
Only until you question why you don’t belong to you
Missing all you recognized and pushed far out of view…
Why do there have to be so few days where I feel grateful for having woken up? Maybe if I actually got to sleep for more than an hour…
I did a cover of Farther Away a couple of weeks ago. Sounds nothing like the upbeat/aggressive Evanescence original and that was the goal–this is a piano version: https://www.box.com/s/ba6098060886fc45450b Why bother with trying to sound like the original when you could just go listen to that, perfect as is…
Anyway, I don’t plan anymore covers and once I’m done with the songs I’m working on now, I’ll put the recorder away and move on. Things really aren’t going in a good direction and I’ll be throwing in the towel by the end of June.