Something I painted and gave to my mother.
I have been searching names/numbers of surrounding psychiatrists and psychologists and plan to present them to my doctor with hope he’ll recognize some names and be able to refer me to someone else for treatment. That is if I decide to continue treatment…
The progress, insights and overall feeling of support during the near 5 years I’ve been with this therapist is with me in so much of what I do and why that I’m genuinely fearful that I won’t be able to keep myself encouraged and on my own side the way I am when I have an actual person to connect to- one who’s not afraid to reach out for me where I’ve fallen in. Good luck may not be with me when searching for another provider. I don’t have much faith a good fit will be found soon and I wonder just how much patience is in me to wait for things to fall into place, if ever again. Next Wednesday is my session. He knows this is difficult for me, but I have it in me to make myself clear. I won’t waste time crying about this loss I can’t prevent. He’s done all he can for me and deserves to leave with it safe in mind that I won’t fall apart without him. Even if I don’t believe it myself, I can make him believe it.
Then who knows, maybe it all will work out okay.
A Fallen Fray
These acts of hate are out of pain from within me
From my meaning of you
From what I am, from what I say
It’s all the same, all the same…
And I want for a way to empty myself
And rest from where I’ve been
Fragile is my hope to understand
So do not wait for peace
Not even my own heart do I believe is on my side
I am not safe; shadow wakes to bleed and
Leaves only the truth – I am not brave
And I don’t have the strength to take all that I must take
A fallen fray of the dreaming, I remain unchanged
And spirit strays far out of my reach
I live and breathe the fool;
Desiring a view through this fallen rain
It’s not easy to reignite once without the flame
And of the terrifying few who still linger and loom,
I am one more half soul no one should save
These set of lines were originally written as lyrics, but for the music I put it with I only used part. I think it reads a bit weird, but anyway, just another attempt–trying something a bit different. The flower painting above it is from a couple of years ago, I just never shared the original before.
The good ones always tell me what eats away inside
Saying ‘Fall for the rise; give meaning to this life.’
The true self to find I have only lived to hide
I listen for the dying days within the flesh, the sore and pain
To hush away the cries
Possessed with every reason I am what I deny
Once enough has been given to all that you hate
You forget your one authority; you have the final say
And somehow I am never caught
There has always been a way
To escape my turn and the call of my name
Their cheap sell for all they see, a weak chain…
I’ve broken free; one slave not worth the chase
And far too far out of reach
An old painting I did a long time ago trying to explain how I felt.
I am not doing too well. The journal bit below is all I can come up with at the moment for the reasons why, silly as it is to even try sorting this out anymore.
I realize as long as I am still alive there will be some kind of hope within that I will not be able to ignore. And that is becoming the biggest problem of all now. Failure and rejection are not just “part of life” but they’ve becoming all I expect and it wasn’t like that before. Not the heated, angry and sharp form it’s taken, rolling around in my mind, disturbing my memories and being a voice to what was previously very dead and put to rest.
This goes beyond where I thought it ended. I can live as I am or die as I am. Change doesn’t mean a damn thing to me anymore, neither does hope nor love or family. Like a child in a place they shouldn’t have come across, I’m exploring where I’m not supposed to be. Too many poisonous fumes for me to breathe…glass shards to slip on…there’s a floor rotting through waiting for just the right amount of weight.
April 25th has passed. I should not have let that happen.