I can’t believe the good news…
My exam was last Saturday from 8:30-2:10pm. I put everything into my first attempt, praying I wouldn’t have to retake the test again and here I am. Certain I will not have to take the rigorous 150 question CPC exam ever again (if I turn in my CEUs on time that is…lol).
It’s funny how completely uncertain I walked away from the exam room when all was over with. I actually didn’t thoroughly finish the whole test, but I left no space unfilled on my scan-tron sheet. I only needed to answer 105 correctly for a 70% passing score. I got a 78%…
I did all of this–paying for a course I have no real background with all in the hopes of being certified in that field, all to get a better job. And Yet I’ve just finished my first day back at Goodwill full time. They rehired me in a different department (which was part of the reason I left the first time- no openings in any other departments). I got the call last Wednesday and breezed through today alright. Content to stay and save my full time wages until I do land a decent medical coding position.
Had I failed the test, it would have really crushed me in such a way I was actually scared to consider how I’d confront and ever move past. Paying no mind to the money I invested in the books and tuition, just knowing I didn’t apply myself enough to pass would have hurt the worst. The weight I placed on passing or not (meaning living or not) was extreme and unhealthy, but I’m still in recovery. We can’t have it all perfect. Though I’m grateful not to see the other side had those results not been so favorable…
Enough for now I guess. Incredibly thankful I am…
This painting took too long to finish for my lack of energy with the details, but I’m glad I finally have the idea complete.
Lead Us To
Okay, you’ve gotten a peak.
There is something diseased
Beneath its mild and sweetly lit smile,
You know now not to speak.
Already robbed of energy –
We try to keep up pace
But today she is resistant toward me
And our obligation
To bend and lift then bend again,
Hating we’re here and with hope for
Only how all ends and when…
I don’t know where I fit
And her color changes from
Healing to certain hell,
Wishing us and all the rest be dead.
The only help of use at this phase
Would lead to and through
Our dying days.
I think my co-worker is a little uneasy with me. I let my frustration show a lot more than I thought was actually getting across, even though I tried to hide my anger the best I could. This week was so up and down…I don’t trust myself to make any decision when it’s so easy for my motivations to be swayed by how I’m feeling at any given minute. It’s difficult to sift through what I truly want from what my emotions lead me to think. My voice I don’t trust is my own.
I’m considering school again. Going back and taking classes to earn a certificate, but I can’t settle on what to take quite yet. Something that will develop my skills toward a profession I think I can live with. Doesn’t have to have anything to do with art, since I’ll never give that up no matter what I do for money, but just something I can better tolerate than what I continue to throw myself into now job to job…trading one type of hell for another.
A clip recorded about three weeks ago…I hate it but can’t let myself hide anymore. I just had a nervous moment where my words got lost trying to talk about the crafts I was working on. I’ll try to explain myself better next time, if I can ever get more comfortable speaking in front of the camera.
The shrug below is the first I tried to sew together (the underside is a mess of string…lol). I painted first then tried to shape it as best I could without cutting.
And this is my wall after I redecorated it back in July. The small framed canvas at the center near the top isn’t mine but one I bought for $5 at an antique store that caught my eye.
Probably too much to share at once, but I need a distraction. I’ve been having real distress over what I’m going to do about my future employment, but I had a helpful session today. I need to go in a direction that is a real commitment I don’t easily lose faith in. All options have to be open.
A mixed media piece from over the summer.
I’ve had my second day on the job and have come up against the same challenges of every new start I have to work through. I worry and think far too much about simple tasks and end up “thinking” my way out of every opportunity, due to the stress those intense thoughts give me. But I understand better now that this is part of the illness. Right along with the unexplainable fear always running beneath the surface–I just can’t relax.
Anyway, I’m giving this job a week to see how it goes. The first day my team mate and I were basically left to fend for ourselves since our trainer has been sent to another new store for the week. Both of us just deal with the quirks in our equipment, mistakes we make, customers and our inability to really help them since we need such help ourselves…lol We just laugh. I’m trying my best not to take this retail thing so seriously the way I do every task I throw myself into…it’s going to kill me.
Below is a short clip I recorded before actually completing these lyrics. I’ll share the full song soon. By the way, they aren’t about my mother in particular, but I wrote the rest of the lyrics with my extended family in mind regarding something unfortunate that happened that is still impacting everyone involved.
Flowers I painted for my mother recently. Finger painted background.
The last week has been one of the craziest (well, I’ve just felt the craziest).
I ended up applying for a part time, back of house retail job yesterday afternoon and was called for an interview that night. I scheduled it for this morning and I was actually hired on the spot after the interview.
I was on the edge Thursday from so much stress – my failure with the watercolor class (cutting a bad story short, I won’t be back) going almost another week without one phone call regarding any of my applications or interviews- and feeling painfully isolated. Yet now I have something to hold onto right when I needed it…I’m probably being foolish but with happenings like this it makes me wonder if I’m not being kept around, kept alive, for some hidden reason. I’m truly grateful, but I feel like I don’t deserve any of this to be– when things actually work out in my favor, you know?
The manager said she liked me. She noted how I dressed for my interview, brought a resume, was well spoken, seemed driven (and I never lied once while I spoke)…I’ve never been told things like that in an interview and was shocked she said she wanted to go on and hire me. I’m still processing the whole thing and I apologize for being all over the place, but I feel some hope again. I feel safe to keep a bit of faith that I might just be alright for a while.
I really do want that.
“When the knife reaches bone, your life must change.”
– Rumi:Bridge to the Soul pg.49
This painting has a spray painted background. I wanted to work in a way I never have before.
One week unemployed and I’ve already got an interview this coming Monday. I’m not saying there is nothing to worry about, but I am realizing nothing will be exactly as I’ve known before and I’m not allowing fear to run me off before I have a chance to gather a plan and rely on my own skills. That those skills may be enough to get me through safely if not actually better off.
Family has been in town. I’ve had some new experiences and despite the heavy moods that grip me unexpectedly from time to time, I’m coping with the transition well. I’ve tried and will just keep trying.
This sketch is one from the early first weeks at my job, representing the way each passing hour felt and just having to accept nothing more could be done.
The song below is one of the last I worked on before full time employment took over and I had to drop all plans. At least it’s left a good memory with me for how I could find ways to recover and better understand certain emotions. It’s not all simply out of my hands.
Self I hate,
I am to be always at blame.
There are no innocent mistakes…
I could not be without my shame.
Has the end come?
Has it really happened?
Have we heard our lesson?
Please tell me, have we learned?
At step one with nothing to follow next
Where everything erases, everyday resets.
Unseen progress by experience
You’ve forced me to forget
The quiet ache;
You’ll not explain my regret.