This is my first portrait in a long while…since I completed my mother’s back in 2014 I think. It actually reminds me of how I feel right now. My last day of work/overtime was today. April 25th I begin again somewhere new, better pay, and I pray a better atmosphere and group of personalities. I’m just worried is all. What will disappoint me first and then the most? Will I be as isolated as I fear? I just don’t want to fall so awfully this time. Starting over can be so terrible sometimes.
Last week I went on a short tour in Chicago with my mother & aunt (mom’s birthday weekend), and while the overall trip was a hassle I won’t think back on too kindly, we did get around to make the most of the situation. While at the Navy Pier I sat for an artist to draw a color caricature of me. She took maybe 15 or 20 minutes and the whole time I kept wondering what she was going to focus on to exaggerate. The longer I sat, the shyer I became and I think she caught that perfectly in the eyes…lol Anyway, it was fun and makes me want to learn how to do caricatures. The artist was actually sitting with another to train him, giving advice between moments in her sketch about what she was doing. I tipped her along with the bill before heading back to the tour group. I’m so glad my mother caught me before I chickened out of sitting for this. I’ll definitely do it again with another artist if ever the opportunity comes again. More Chicago photos are on the way. This week I’ve just been settling back into work and trying to absorb some new changes I’ve discussed with my doctor. I hope we’re onto something good.
This is a semi-hard pastel drawing on a burlap panel piece I bought on clearance weeks ago. I glued in shredded sheet music here and there. My own version of a flower I’ve seen including that.
I am still working full time. I’ve had two interviews– the one last week was a bust, but the other (of which I had to leave early today to complete) was more promising.
Apart from these decent happenings, I nearly broke down in front of my mother mid-week as I prepared for another long day at work and the last interview. I blatantly told her I felt very lonely and so tired of starting over. Sure, it’s nothing she or anyone else can solve, but up to that point I always felt too pathetic to admit how much loneliness has affected me. Even to my therapist, whom I’ve gone another month without speaking to. Apart from the letter I sent with my apology to him for the last session, I feel shameful and not yet ready/willing to open up again with discussion. A small set back I’m trying to pull through I guess.
I have my audition to look forward to, and the bus trip to NYC I’m taking in September with my mother I’m still excited to reach. Just keeping in mind that I do indeed have to stay alive to meet those moments. I just need to show up.
“The eye goes blind when it only wants to see why.” -Rumi
“For a while we lived with people,
but we saw no sign in them of the faithfulness we wanted.
It’s better to hide completely within
as water hides in metal,
as fire hides in a rock.”
-Quatrain 1082 by Rumi, Open Secret
This is the first sketch after an unacceptably long break from drawing. One of those days where I could do little more than try showing how I felt, and hope to breathe again when I set my pencil down. The week has been a challenge I did not want to make any more difficult with a fight. Lonesomeness has weighed so heavily in me, I don’t think I deserve worth toward others or that I can belong in the way I’ve hoped. And I know these conclusions mean little. I will put them in a song and keep trying to get over.
“It was just too much too soon”
This is a drawing from last week as I remembered how I felt after the first day at my new job. I’ve made it through my second full week, but it seems everyday I go through the same inner struggle in wanting to turn away from the decision I’ve made. In wondering how much of a mistake I’ve made and how much strength I’d have to again start over. Luckily, by the end of the day I’m too exhausted to consider doing anything but rest my body. No wonder I get stranger looks from people at work…I’m at a small weight now and must look ridiculous hauling around my heavy carts every day. And today I felt it might be best to go simply because I don’t feel very welcome in my placement. I may be doing the work fine, but might be making others more uncomfortable (I certainly feel very uncomfortable).
I’m going to continue until a month has passed as I promised myself I would though. Below is a partial piano cover I did weeks back of my favorite Breaking Benjamin song.
This is another portrait I started years ago and recently completed.
The song here has been finished for a while now. I had a short clip performing it, but it makes no difference. Nothing special.
Love me –
Hate me for anything.
Either extreme I need;
You’ll find me alive nowhere in between.
All you have to say is “hold on”.
Keep waiting and hoping though all light has gone…
But those words are cruel when one is with no reason to stay.
With no dream to keep breathing for
And little room is left for faith.
Why don’t you take all that I take?
Think your way through it all –
My soul you’ll recreate.
Why don’t you take the rest of these awful years?
You find me a way from here.
So, I have news. Yesterday I accepted a full time position with a local store as a goods inspector. It was one of my better interviews and I did feel like I had a good chance, but now that I’ve accepted I only worry about messing it all up. I’m still sticking with treatment though and have another session very soon. I have to remember that I will and should expect to be allowed enough time to actually learn what I’m doing. I’ll give it a month if my strength allows and see how I feel by then. Someone my age should be working full time by now anyway I guess…I worry about such a schedule overwhelming me.
It’s not in my nature to first look to the bright side of things, but here I am with another opportunity to see the better unfold.
My second completed piece after that long break away from painting. This was totally unplanned/without a sketch. An early mother’s day gift. She still remembers me painting flowers a lot when I was younger and I thought it would be interesting to see what such a painting would turn out as today the person I am now.
I’ve had a great day. A great few days actually and I am grateful.