Tag Archives: depression

For Someday

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This is a small 5 x 7 painting I did with the intention of giving the original to someone at work who has a birthday coming up. They like bonsai plants and this is based off a photo I took some years ago at the conservatory (the original is better than how weird this image above turned out). Now I’ve put this offering on pause and feel foolish for considering it at all. I need to stop with the giving; giving so much when barely even a thank you is offered in return. Every time I think of sending cards or art prints I do it with an innocent hope I may be given real friendship and consideration one day- even just a flicker shown for me to hold onto. Yet there’s usually silence, sometimes a ‘thank you’, often times spoken soullessly as if it was a burden. Then I’m left feeling stupid for being so thoughtful as if I could ever mean so much to another human. Still, I hate how bitter I’ve become. It is time for me to let go of the disappointment and let go of the need for other people to care. There was a time when even someone just pretending to care was worth more than gold to me, but that’s really worse.

So, my books will just have make up for my friendless situation. And that’s been okay. I just finished reading The Portrait of a Lady by Henry James, and despite the infuriating ending, I truly enjoyed how the story unfolded. Glad I randomly chose a good one this time…lol Maybe I can really lose myself in writing one of my own someday.

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Trust. Step into this moment.

I’m going to stop talking so much about the day to day now. With no one waiting for me and no goal to reach, right now is the only thing worth worrying about. The therapist I work with now gave me a task of deciding on some affirmations to keep in mind. I was surprised focusing on them actually did work to push me along a little further than my will usually goes. I took the advice seriously though. I really have no choice now.

I am an active, assertive, sincere and worthy woman.

Say it enough and it will begin not to feel so much like a lie I’m, I hope. Considering before my actions if they are what an assertive or sincere woman would do. How active in life and doing what would make one feel worthy…

It’s given me a lot of good to think about. I’m glad.

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Lost Somewhere Out There

I came back from the Washington D.C. bus tour this past Monday, ill in mind and body. I felt so broken and tired when I got back home and tried to get ready for work the next day. Well when I woke up Tuesday I had a nasty cold and did call in. Spent that time at home applying for other jobs.

I’m all over the place really. There is not time to have a complete thought with creating anymore art works and waking up seems like it’s part of an awful punishment I’m sentenced to. Who would want to go about their days like this? I am learning so much more about personality disorders and the challenges ahead to change patterns that cause more problems and I wonder if it’s too hopeful of me to think what changes I make will mean something worthwhile. I feel like I’m always too late for anyone’s faith in me.

The psychiatrist has written me 5 months worth of drugs and I don’t have to see him again until February. I cringe to think about what I will be like by that time. Will I still be here trying, or will that be an appointment I choose to cancel after choosing to quit treatment? Choosing to quit trying to untangle the knot I’ve made of my life? The new therapist has help enough by challenging the difficult person I step into his office as. Treating me like I’m flesh and blood and not a wad of garbage I consider myself.

I just mean to say I need another way to go about this living. I’ve given up the choir’s demands and have stuck in there with working a job I’m nearly driven mad by. And there is no one to talk to. And night sets in and doesn’t ease up when the sun does.I’m afraid that darkness may be the only thing I ever have holding onto me, as no one else is able to.

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From Back Then

This is one very early drawing. I was really into swirls and thorny vines.

This is the first week in a few where the morning sadness sends me out the door to work in tears. Heading down the driveway with fear and dread as if I’m about to go and face my death. ‘How am I going to get through this?’ in mind.

I’m okay though. Giving in to it. Some things…most things I cannot change and have to hope luck, the right people and the right time comes around. I’ll never know what I really want, but it gets easier when you stop trying to fit where you were never meant to be.

I have vacation days coming up in September. Four days on a Washington D.C tour with relatives and then an extra day to recoup. August has been one bad dream with no real days of rest (I’ve had to work on into my weekends.) Hopefully the rest of the year will ease up…Hopefully I won’t still be working here come next year.

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I’m tired of being without…

A new painting is finished but as with everything I spend personal time on, its a simple idea is dragged out over weeks. I lose inspiration so quickly now. My full time job is draining me soulless. But that’s what we have to do. Another nobody having no real choice past choosing to survive. And I haven’t quite chosen that either. Though I am tired of not wanting my life. I’m tired of being without sustained motivation.

Thursday is the appointment with the new therapist. Already I’m worried about what might be expected of me. Maybe he’ll say I should be over needing this sort of help. Of maybe he’ll expect someone very distraught, tearful and clearly unwell. Whatever those expectations are, I just hope I don’t leave worse off than when I go in.

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So Without Grace…

I’m tired of living with such a black heart where emptiness and rejection are all that’s ever allowed in.

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Sepia and shadows.

At Spring Grove Cemetery – October 2014

I just finished editing a decent sized collection of photos at this cemetery near my home. A full time work schedule led me to delay them until I decided I’ve had enough neglecting the only thing I live for, the real work I love to do. So, there are more of these to come along with pictures from my second trip to Chicago I went to earlier this month.

The good news of this week is my brother having been called for an interview at the place I work, which I think has the perfect sort of work he could live with for a while. I may have difficulty with the place, but he’s far more consistent than I, and he has no mood disorder complicating this whole business of living…

All I can say is I’m glad to meet with my psychiatrist next Friday. I feel disturbed for having not said all I should have at my last appointment. I think I do need to continue psychotherapy, along with my medications. Therapy helped me in the way of keeping me accountable in what I decide to do. I’m getting careless now – all but quitting the choir, intensely wanting to quit my job and say no to trying for any other job opportunities. Very close to saying no to life altogether. And I don’t believe these thoughts have much to do with my depression or side effects of the meds. It all comes from a very demoralized state of mind. I hear the exhaustion in my breathing and see it in my eyes. I need help, but even this seems a set up to disappointment. There may be no help from the outside on this.

I’m really on my own.

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