This painting took too long to finish for my lack of energy with the details, but I’m glad I finally have the idea complete.
Lead Us To
Okay, you’ve gotten a peak.
There is something diseased
Beneath its mild and sweetly lit smile,
You know now not to speak.
Already robbed of energy –
We try to keep up pace
But today she is resistant toward me
And our obligation
To bend and lift then bend again,
Hating we’re here and with hope for
Only how all ends and when…
I don’t know where I fit
And her color changes from
Healing to certain hell,
Wishing us and all the rest be dead.
The only help of use at this phase
Would lead to and through
Our dying days.
I think my co-worker is a little uneasy with me. I let my frustration show a lot more than I thought was actually getting across, even though I tried to hide my anger the best I could. This week was so up and down…I don’t trust myself to make any decision when it’s so easy for my motivations to be swayed by how I’m feeling at any given minute. It’s difficult to sift through what I truly want from what my emotions lead me to think. My voice I don’t trust is my own.
I’m considering school again. Going back and taking classes to earn a certificate, but I can’t settle on what to take quite yet. Something that will develop my skills toward a profession I think I can live with. Doesn’t have to have anything to do with art, since I’ll never give that up no matter what I do for money, but just something I can better tolerate than what I continue to throw myself into now job to job…trading one type of hell for another.
An underwater painting I’ve recently finished. Couldn’t get it perfect, but I learned a lot. Strange things have been happening, but I’m trying not to worry or act impulsively. Fear leads me to do awful things.
Someone has apparently reported my music account on another site for ‘copyright infringement’ and my uploads are being threatened. I always mention the artists of every song I do a cover of and most of those are clips, not the full song. And every single track on this blog and online I have is offered to anyone for free… I’m waiting now to hear back, but with my luck I’ll probably be silenced all together. I don’t understand people. I’ve never wanted a damn thing except a place of my own to share what I do.
Maybe it’s time to start over.
This sketch is one from the early first weeks at my job, representing the way each passing hour felt and just having to accept nothing more could be done.
The song below is one of the last I worked on before full time employment took over and I had to drop all plans. At least it’s left a good memory with me for how I could find ways to recover and better understand certain emotions. It’s not all simply out of my hands.
Self I hate,
I am to be always at blame.
There are no innocent mistakes…
I could not be without my shame.
Has the end come?
Has it really happened?
Have we heard our lesson?
Please tell me, have we learned?
At step one with nothing to follow next
Where everything erases, everyday resets.
Unseen progress by experience
You’ve forced me to forget
The quiet ache;
You’ll not explain my regret.
This is the old Stearns & Fosters mattress building in a neighborhood near where I live that I said I had to get pictures of before someone decides to tear it down completely. I just thought the ruin it’s become was really beautiful in it’s way now (after a fire and years of deterioration, from what my mother says, as she worked there for several years). I did numerous variations with the photos I got, but these four are favorites- especially the one above. I uploaded several onto my zazzle site (http://www.zazzle.com/amongtheashes) and bought the color copy below for my mother recently. She has good memories from this place and liked most how that one turned out.
“I can’t keep going under.”
A recent piece. I wanted to try painting movement/motion (I referenced a photo and added ideas). I don’t practice it enough and know the expression is not as strong as I intended, so everything now looks weird, but it’s an attempt. With work these days taking over, I’m most happy I actually completed something I planned to do. It was like finally taking a breath.
I couldn’t have asked for a better opportunity than the one I’m trying to maintain now. Full time, a job where I work by myself for the most part…and apart from the heavy lifting, I have a good handle on everything I do.
So why is this becoming a placement I can’t imagine surviving? Why does everything I want become something I end up hating? Makes me believe I can’t trust anything I may want ever again. I don’t want to invite more pain, but in trying to avoid it I seem to run right into it. And when that’s not happening, I’m punishing myself for not feeling as I should – as I believe others expect I should feel – about what I have and how much worse things could be.
And when all is settled, the only thing I want and need too much is to be told I’ve done well. Everyone else has a power over me, and it will be that way until I stop acting as if it’s truly possible for me to be close to others now or thought of as more than disposable and useless in my own mind.
I’ll always have to have something to give you to be anything to you.
This is something I wrote just yesterday. One day I hope to put these lines as lyrics with music, but I may not ever have that kind of time again (definitely not soon) For now they’re just lines for my own comfort.
Maybe I should keep away…
No more quiet, no more needing and needing in silence.
Turn one day until weeks-
Until “away”can be all to expect from me.
But I chose the side
That, for everyone else but myself, was right
And I’m losing her.
Maybe this can be easier…
Forgive my failure, forgive the love and light
All this time I’ve wasted begging you were.
Keep away long enough and you will
Forget who you cannot find.
You forget and move beyond our divide-
You forget there was ever a life.