“It was just too much too soon”
This is a drawing from last week as I remembered how I felt after the first day at my new job. I’ve made it through my second full week, but it seems everyday I go through the same inner struggle in wanting to turn away from the decision I’ve made. In wondering how much of a mistake I’ve made and how much strength I’d have to again start over. Luckily, by the end of the day I’m too exhausted to consider doing anything but rest my body. No wonder I get stranger looks from people at work…I’m at a small weight now and must look ridiculous hauling around my heavy carts every day. And today I felt it might be best to go simply because I don’t feel very welcome in my placement. I may be doing the work fine, but might be making others more uncomfortable (I certainly feel very uncomfortable).
I’m going to continue until a month has passed as I promised myself I would though. Below is a partial piano cover I did weeks back of my favorite Breaking Benjamin song.
Beginning week 2 at the new job. Still up and down, mainly in the gray somewhere in between wondering what the fuss is about with worrying whether or not I get this whole thing “right”. I’m just doing what I’m supposed to.
When people in the past have minimized my difficulty and fear regarding certain things, it’s been set up in my mind that I have no right/reason to feel insecure or terrified because this is what is supposed to be happening. For example I’ll think ‘who cares if I end up hating my job? Everyone does and they aren’t acting as ridiculous as I am’. When the truth is that a lot of people may hate their jobs, but I’m sure most of them don’t want to kill themselves over it either. Most people never seriously consider going so far….
I miss playing my piano.
Take Your Turn
How do you breathe through this sorrow?
How can you dream tomorrow?
There is no promise in me
I’m so set apart…
How about you see the low light I see?
Scream my screams.
This is another portrait I started years ago and recently completed.
The song here has been finished for a while now. I had a short clip performing it, but it makes no difference. Nothing special.
Love me –
Hate me for anything.
Either extreme I need;
You’ll find me alive nowhere in between.
All you have to say is “hold on”.
Keep waiting and hoping though all light has gone…
But those words are cruel when one is with no reason to stay.
With no dream to keep breathing for
And little room is left for faith.
Why don’t you take all that I take?
Think your way through it all –
My soul you’ll recreate.
Why don’t you take the rest of these awful years?
You find me a way from here.
So, I have news. Yesterday I accepted a full time position with a local store as a goods inspector. It was one of my better interviews and I did feel like I had a good chance, but now that I’ve accepted I only worry about messing it all up. I’m still sticking with treatment though and have another session very soon. I have to remember that I will and should expect to be allowed enough time to actually learn what I’m doing. I’ll give it a month if my strength allows and see how I feel by then. Someone my age should be working full time by now anyway I guess…I worry about such a schedule overwhelming me.
It’s not in my nature to first look to the bright side of things, but here I am with another opportunity to see the better unfold.
For So Little.
Their presence, made known.
Well they spoke by fierce shifting’s of wind.
The others, above and underworld,
Demand to be let in.
For each to stake their claim –
To make their case, settle in and have their ways
Before this spirit has chance to rise
From its final breath, be shaken dim
Its spark of life.
The desperate moment we are given a taste…
The beauty of that aged ache soullessness creates.
A glimpse past the disadvantage of human eyes –
Bridged finally within mind,
Punishment and promise defined.
I’m waiting to hear back about an interview I had on Friday. I was feeling really great about my chances, but as usual with any good feelings, it was short lived. Things are complicated at home also. My doctor mentioned something I was already reading up on called Expressed Emotion that has given me insight into what’s probably going on between my mother and I and the anger/disappointment I sense just beneath the surface from her so often. I know it’s not easy putting up with my coldness and low moods and I wish she was honest with me about just how frustrated she truly is. I’m so sorry to still be this sort of burden to her. As all over the place as I am in trying to regulate my own emotions, from the food restrictions and over exercising I can’t stop- to remembering my medication each night, it’s wearing me out worrying about every move I make around her and the rest of my family.
Nothing I’m supposed to mention though. The point of all is once again losing me.
This painting I finished over the weekend. I like to use the cardboard backing of my sketch pads to paint on instead of throwing it away, so that’s what I did here. The image developed over several weeks of drawing on and off. I took a different approach with layering in different shades, mainly in the background. Sometimes I get so frustrated with choosing colors and I guess that was my way of getting around it a little this time.
Will you quit prodding me with sticks?
Stop getting close and
Stroking your fingers beneath my chin
But you want to witness the worth for what you paid
The one soul broken scene defining my history
You bought me for my strength
And now the same as the creature beaten for its flame
One chained to an irresolvable hate…
Slow to settle down and slower to allow you to underestimate me
To disregard my clarity as if this were a game
You don’t believe I say it’s not simply okay to be okay
But I hope the day be soon by the scream I tear you into,
My breathlessness be felt
And desperate as I am to end,
It is sure to overwhelm.
I have new hire orientation tomorrow morning for a couple of hours. The appointment I had with my doctor earlier this week was a big help in calming my anxiety in anticipation of starting work. I’ve lost several nights of sleep worrying, but I think the worst of it is over with. I’m ready now.
Sometimes I feel so much anxiety about my life and where it’s headed and for all I have not done yet or should have already done by now—sometimes I just can’t breathe. My head is spinning, I don’t know what to do with my restless nerves, I can’t cry though I know some sort of a break down would be a relief from the way I’m forcing myself to keep it together. I just don’t want to do this anymore. Where can I go where nothing is expected of me, where nothing and no one needs me? They already don’t need me though. Suppose I’m making myself sound more important than I honest am…lol. Well then, for the heart, its beating, the blood, the breath. I don’t need these things. Haven’t done anything to deserve a chance here and it really seems ridiculous now. Shamefully ridiculous.
I’ve been rewriting lyrics wondering just where I am within them. It may end up like so many other attempts at songwriting. I pick apart so much, take out what feel like lies or feel cheap and unidentifiable until there’s nothing left to name.
A subject on my mind lately:
The Moment Known
Shadows move in
And become one with the darkness
A hint of the truth we’ve all waited for
Beloved hush at our very core
The breath- taken, gently opened door
Desiring more than all that’s been given before
You have a way to see inside
Appreciate this ache
For the moment it’s known that you must let go
You’ll already know your way
I still have some poems I have ready to be posted that I finished before my job training classes started. The one I have below is about the lie I’ve kept up finally failing and about being exposed and realizing that once it happens, there’s only a matter of time before you lose yourself completely. When even the good memories of the past can’t convince you to stay and endure the emptiness.
I’d rather you be happy
With joy upon your face
Leave me in misery
Kept safe and in my place
I am as touched as you’ve been blind
As cold as your fear of being frozen
The unseen sorrow sings these thoughts
I am jaded and well understand
When this mask of perfection goes un-kept
And secrets shyly show themselves, you will
Know soullessness, the scene will be unkind
In striking fail comparison of the fallen lie
Reasons cede and loosen the grasp of memories
As deaths of past run cold through me,
I know you will get over.
More than sure, you will move on.