Tag Archives: anger

From Healing to Certain Hell.

This painting took too long to finish for my lack of energy with the details, but I’m glad I finally have the idea complete.

Lead Us To

Okay, you’ve gotten a peak.
There is something diseased
Beneath its mild and sweetly lit smile,
Barring teeth.
You know now not to speak.

Already robbed of energy –
We try to keep up pace
But today she is resistant toward me
And our obligation
To bend and lift then bend again,
Hating we’re here and with hope for
Only how all ends and when…

I don’t know where I fit
And her color changes from
Healing to certain hell,
Wishing us and all the rest be dead.

The only help of use at this phase
Would lead to and through
Our dying days.

I think my co-worker is a little uneasy with me. I let my frustration show a lot more than I thought was actually getting across, even though I tried to hide my anger the best I could. This week was so up and down…I don’t trust myself to make any decision when it’s so easy for my motivations to be swayed by how I’m feeling at any given minute. It’s difficult to sift through what I truly want from what my emotions lead me to think. My voice I don’t trust is my own.

I’m considering school again. Going back and taking classes to earn a certificate, but I can’t settle on what to take quite yet. Something that will develop my skills toward a profession I think I can live with. Doesn’t have to have anything to do with art, since I’ll never give that up no matter what I do for money, but just something I can better tolerate than what I continue to throw myself into now job to job…trading one type of hell for another.

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Say it’s okay.

This sketch is a few months old, reminded me of this song I wrote weeks later. As if I try to stand my ground, ignoring I’ve already lost it all.

I Once Fought

Can you do me a favor?

Can you say that it’s okay?
Maybe it’s permission I’ve needed –
Acceptance beyond my own I’ve sought –

To act upon a thought.
A dear friend I once fought.
I tried despite knowing they’d
Already won.

This video clip was done when I was working on the song arrangement still, explaining my comments at the end.

Things feel all over the place here at home. My mother, the only person around me on a daily basis, is getting frustrated with me and my depression. I try staying out of her way, keeping the door shut during really bad spells, but it’s not enough. She wants to see and be around no more of it and I understand. I wish I were gone too…I’m sorry I am this way and can’t will myself past it. Besides sticking with my medication and going to my sessions, I don’t know what else to do.

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Leave Me Broken Through

Oh Really?
(
A water colored sketch- something new finally)

I had a very helpful session this afternoon. A lot was mentioned about what happened at work with the owner and her disrespect at my disagreeing with her over something. She shouldn’t have asked my opinion at all and now I’m sure in what I think of who she is. And my doctor assured that my “skin is thick enough” when I said how others always say I should just toughen up- that this is just how it goes and on and on. I didn’t hit her and I didn’t quit after all. The bottom line is I have a right to be angry and not feel wrong for how I feel. And others shouldn’t shoot me down for it either. I will own this and grow from it.

The song below is something different. I did about three recordings and picked the very first of the bunch to share as it unexpectedly got my idea across the best.

Final Say

I may have fallen
I might be displaced
And yes, for a moment
I may have shifted my gaze

But make no mistake
This is my game.
It goes my way,
I always have the final say.

And for all you do, honey…
The blood stain and scar-
The given breath you are-
Take it too far

This time I want the truth
My only rule, honey…
Make sure you leave me
Broken through

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Don’t have anymore to say.

Lately I have not been able to talk to anyone. Even a slight mention of something difficult going on with me and all I hear is advice offered I never asked for and never wanted. No one knows how to just be present with me when going through a rough time and not try to fix what can’t be fixed by anyone but me. This is where I feel insulted/offended in a way- whether or not it’s right to. Usually when people dish out their advice it’s in a way that assumes I have not tried to help myself or that adopting their way at solving my problems is as easy as simply repeating what they’ve said.

So, rather than allowing myself to become too furious and completely shutting down, I tried to express some of this anger in a song I wrote specifically tied to what I’ve mentioned above. I know this is more about what’s wrong with me than with other people and what they feel the need to say when I don’t take the usual route in lying about how I’m actually doing. But it still hurts and I’ve got to do something with that before I choose a bad turn.

At Your Word
(Lyrics)

It’s won me over.
It’s you I hate.
Go home now.
Don’t have anymore to say.

Foolish you’ve been to follow
You dare get in my way…

The edge, cold and cruel, is pressed
Kindness will not do
And I’ve grown sick here at rest
Filling up on you

I’ve listened, I’ve kept my peace
Despite all I’ve heard,
But my quiet calm has been disturbed…

For the more you think you know
The less good is done by me
In choosing to hold my own
I listen and in my hurt
I am made to feel worse

I have been through more
Than what your word is worth

Go home now.
Don’t have anymore to say.

———–

This week has been long and I’ve gained little hope. The benefit of sticking around is unknown to me and it’s easier to slip away. It’s worth more to me, so how can that not be what’s right?

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Settle the storm…

This is the first of five plain crayon drawings I did each day after my session last week. I’m surprised by the amount of color I actually used, but I do think it’s helped express what I haven’t been so willing to acknowledge lately.

A newer song here with the poem below used as lyrics : https://www.box.com/s/10bdd800ed6da19f0c50              As usual, I’m not pleased with the recording, but that’s how it goes. Somehow I had way too much breath and  it never let up. Just another idea though. What I’m working on now is a lot more interesting.

Uncovered

Uncovered in silence, but
You don’t understand the signs

If only you saw it hiding
In all I don’t say

In the tears that drench and warp
These empty picture frames

See now? There it is, my blood
Dripping in your dreams

Where I beat you, break, and scream
And beg you to return me

I’m apart from my complaints
Yet you won’t help me out

But no one’s ever answered, what
Made me think you would now…

——————

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