Abstracted from what kept it alive
I accede to the broken tune
The death I carry is as if I walk
With a grave stone planted
At the back of my skull
Fear – again – is accepted
As reason and rule
Victim’s eyes were taken to
Set free the soul of mirror
Shards lodged into mine at my glance
All the while a gun was placed
Right there in your hands…
All hidden beginnings
Have led the same end
You’ve watched and
You’ve let me happen
Never drawing, older poem. I don’t know how I made it through this week. Everyday that passed it never got better–the heaviness never lifted.
Taking my thoughts back to the last time I did something for fun, here is a link to a piano cover I did for “Tourniquet”. It sucks of course, but fun to sing anyway. Everything from the 2 minute mark and after is all I care for really, totally improvised:
This drawing is the result of a sketch I posted previously. I cut a piece from a large paper bag to work on, which explains the texture/imperfections on the surface in spots.
“Don’t be afraid of the shadows, it only means there’s a light nearby.”
— Amy Lee
This quote was in mind as I wrote the lyrics to the song below. A project I hadn’t planned, but went with wherever it took me. I made cleaner recordings, and although the one I’m sharing is a little rough, it has more feeling I think, for what I want to get across.
Open eyes are never
Enough alone to see
And the kindness you’ve given me…
Why is it never enough?
Why don’t I believe a word of it?
That I deserve my own life…
Must we always have to fight?
We assume this never ending lie
Is worth its sacrifice
Bloodless hollow beating inside
So empty –
How does a heart survive?
For the dark of this night
Its heavy hold in mind –
Will ever be found shadows of light?
Are they near? Is truth close enough for
My shades of soul to fear?
Another portrait based on a photo I saw and wanted to draw- for the smile/practice with facial expression. I don’t practice with portraits very much any more and when I go back to it I always assume I’ve forgotten how to approach drawing them. Really though, it seems to be one of those things my mind just knows how to figure out now, even if I can’t explain word for word how to or what the steps are…
I’m working on new writing and sorting through a couple of old poems, feeling finished with writing all together. My life is a mess again- it’s June already- and feeling so well is actually bothering me now that I’m still not working. It’s all going to waste sitting around waiting to start again.
For the mistakes I’ve made, I don’t think I deserve to feel this okay and numb toward all that’s happened, you know? Yeah, I shouldn’t take it this way, but if it’s not one thing it’s another…There always has to be something wrong, something to punish myself for otherwise nothing would move me. And anyway, there’s enough shame to tap into to remind me of just why.
I did a cover of “Goodnight” written by Amy Lee that she performed for a charity years ago. My version sucks of course in comparison, but I followed through anyway: https://www.box.com/s/6d9792db0ac2f71a0106
Just like the squeak of a cheap old faucet
Its paint – a silver cheat, peels mutated in flakes
My same approach sharply bent at edge.
Like a scuff mark bothers to be the labor of your time
Or the clock – sometimes five minutes fast then two hours behind
Or gradual disasters where you never guess the change
As a river yet to crest, days from the last drops of rain
To see it fully you must wait.
I sit and play over the veins like worn old music strings
Rough for the dusty blends of scar
I tune them to my heart and with them, sing
Their stress will slice right through the best and leave me
Coughing up the rest of what I was.
This painting is over a year old, done using a photo as reference. I just loved the outfit and knew it would be a challenge for me to draw/paint. The lines below it- just another personal thing, confusing enough to hide behind…
We hear the news
And after the words ruin the way they do
We hide behind a face
But the truth is still there and we are not okay
And all of our reasons refuse
It feels easier and right to lose
Your high mood and thoughts break loose
To trust is too much once you’ve fallen though
What you think now is not what you knew
And you shut your eyes and try to refute
Trying to will your spirit to move from here
To shift the stick of tears and complexities of years
Hoping a time of rest be near
There is no one else around to scare
And I am the only one alone enough to care
I take in your expressions of disbelief
Creased and asking, ‘Just what have you done to me?’
I thought you understood….There is a heart I do not have
With me, you find yourself down the long and lightless path.
I had to redraw this Amy Lee portrait. The previous version just called for it. I finished it some weeks ago and just thought I’d post it along with a recent poem.