Tag Archives: acceptance

Look up…

I had a very good session with my doctor this week. No matter how fragile a thread I’m hanging on, I’m doing so in whatever ways I can. It is not easy having to accept that many difficult things about myself may never change. This acceptance often feels like intolerable terms of a life I’d rather turn in early. But along with the acceptance is patience it will not do for me to go on without. Waiting is all we’re here to do. Until that time is up as all things come to an end.

Nothing lasts forever, and I can find a certain joy to experience simply in that if nothing else. Enough to hang on.

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Hope Exists

This is something I wrote after having a childhood memory. The 3rd & 4th sections are what I used as my audition piece this past Saturday for the MUSE women’s choir.

For You to Live (MP3 Final version –http://po.st/SooWRa)

The scene after the fall
So long ago I saw.
A child I was all.

And dimly glows the promise
For all the hope that could exist
And ever since. Ever since…

You will leave me and how I fear
How I know I won’t make it here.
So small I am in my need.
By only you do I breathe.

Please hear me!
Everything I am with,
My heartbeat, my soul I would give
Anything for you to live.

The whole thing took about 15 minutes. At the end when I was to sing my prepared piece, I thought for a split moment how foolish I might look, possibly being the only person to show up with a song they personally wrote. But I sang it with as much strength and steadiness I could gather for those short moments and got through the piece without forgetting a word or cracking my voice. Later that afternoon I get a voice message saying I’d been accepted :) They were undecided about whether I was for the Soprano 2 section or the Alto 1 section, but during my audition I said I was previously placed as an Alto 1 back in the school chorus. My range was just heard a lot wider than even I expected that day.

I can’t believe I actually followed through…lol. Even a day or two before the audition I considered cancelling due to the stress I’ve been feeling. I didn’t think I was up to faking that everything was alright, but luckily I was in a decent mood audition day. I actually shared about my reasons for songwriting and about how it’s helped me cope with my recurrent depression over the years. They didn’t shun me for any of it and when I finished my piece, by the look on their faces I think they appreciated what I’d shared a bit more for hearing it themselves.

Work again for the next two weeks before the NYC trip. I just sent word to one of the choir leaders that I will have to miss the first rehearsal night for being out of town. I said I understood if it meant I was now not allowed to continue, but also that I’d work even harder to stay caught up. I know how bad it looks to be new and miss such an important rehearsal as the first, but I hope some arrangement can be made. If not, I’ve lost nothing for trying and have gained confidence that I can hold my own when it matters.

I’ve also increased my meds. So much change will hit me one way or another and I can’t allow it to throw me so far off as I know it can. Doing all I can to prevent disaster…

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Not what it seems.

 This is left over from when I was finger painting (most of the background work) and then throwing in a few brush strokes, an unplanned mess.

After a week feeling a strange anger toward my therapist and more intensely toward myself, I spent the last seven days leveling into a sadness and acceptance that I don’t think I could have managed further on without finally establishing. I may hate the circumstances I’m in, but I cannot keep skipping around with different ideas to act on all in the attempt to avoid more pain and feeling trapped in a worse way. I can tolerate what I’m stuck doing at this point, and as long as I’m not treated any worse at work, I’ll be okay for a few months or more if that’s the sentence I’m given…

Here are two more recent songs, one is the complete version of an earlier video clip I shared here and the other is also a complete recording from a poem I’d posted while it was still in progress.

The 1st:

I Forgive You

The shield has worn of its kindness
And hope is torn from its blindness.
Every face you see – my every identity
Soon buried and blessed,
My very best, soon laid to rest.

I won’t wait for you, my sister.
I won’t wait like the fool.
The patience of you made sure
You’ll never move.
You will never do what must be done.
The fear must be overcome.

And I forgive you, mother –
I forgive you and the other,
But don’t waste my time –
Don’t think you can change my mind.
Your love is the reason why I would
Rather die than to trust my heart
To anyone.

But for you, not even
Blood was enough to stay.
Your screams will not save you
From the nightmare,

From my nightmare
There is no escape.

And the 2nd:

I remember someone once commenting that my songs with piano were grating, both of which these probably fall into being as well, but I’m okay with it. I won’t attempt singing these again anyway for the trouble I had following my notes…lol I had fun though.

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