Monthly Archives: January 2016

For Someday

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This is a small 5 x 7 painting I did with the intention of giving the original to someone at work who has a birthday coming up. They like bonsai plants and this is based off a photo I took some years ago at the conservatory (the original is better than how weird this image above turned out). Now I’ve put this offering on pause and feel foolish for considering it at all. I need to stop with the giving; giving so much when barely even a thank you is offered in return. Every time I think of sending cards or art prints I do it with an innocent hope I may be given real friendship and consideration one day- even just a flicker shown for me to hold onto. Yet there’s usually silence, sometimes a ‘thank you’, often times spoken soullessly as if it was a burden. Then I’m left feeling stupid for being so thoughtful as if I could ever mean so much to another human. Still, I hate how bitter I’ve become. It is time for me to let go of the disappointment and let go of the need for other people to care. There was a time when even someone just pretending to care was worth more than gold to me, but that’s really worse.

So, my books will just have make up for my friendless situation. And that’s been okay. I just finished reading The Portrait of a Lady by Henry James, and despite the infuriating ending, I truly enjoyed how the story unfolded. Glad I randomly chose a good one this time…lol Maybe I can really lose myself in writing one of my own someday.

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Take a breath.

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I have a small 5 x 7 pad of sketch paper that I’ve used for little flower paintings like this. The size makes them easier to send through mail when I decide to give them away.

I called in my absence at work last night to cover today’s overtime. Six days a week has been the normal for several weeks and I’m getting really sick of postponing my plans. There isn’t much respect for our personal lives so I have to take care of this myself with making that personal time a priority. We don’t get these days back, so I’m often now deciding what is worth more: my time or the hours given for money I have little time to spend…

I really need to get away. Find someway to reconnect to what has significance to me.

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At Corners

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This is a collage I did on the cover of a large sketch book I’m using as my new journal. I spent the last night of 2015 finishing the old one.

I have drawings ready to paint and a new one to get a photo of. Just waiting for the sun to come back. Waiting for something to go right in every other corner of life. I’ve recently gotten a bunch of hoops to jump through for just an interview with this hospital. Beginning each day feeling burned out already-not time to repair-no capability…

Ehh…the days are getting longer little by little. I’ll be there.

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