Monthly Archives: December 2015

Looking Back

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The final day of 2015…I am glad to see it go and gladder I made it through. What a difficult year it was. Losing my therapist, changing medications, getting through 1yr of full time work, the stuff with the old choir, going to different churches, taking my first yoga class…

Some good and some bad, but there is no doubt of personal growth here. By making it to 26 (which I didn’t expect) I’ve been forced to seriously consider the distant future and where I want to put myself.

Fortunately I’m up for that right now and for the near future at least.

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“My purple sky fly over me”

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“And watch my purple sky fly over me” -Imaginary by Evanescence

This painting is an attempt at following instruction from this art magazine my mother bought me weeks ago. I have never felt comfortable trying projects out like this because they turn out to be real disappointments. And this is just that, being the second attempt at a particular portrait assignment. One I won’t revisit until I have an idea to make it better, more “me” and less uninspired…

I went to the yoga class :) It was fun. But by trying to do each new pose perfectly, I became more tense rather than less. I forgot to breathe while motioning to different poses and I’ve not sweat the way I did in that class in a very long time…lol I intend to pay for a ten class pass. I enjoy it more I think with a group than what I manage to do on my own. But I will still practice alone, especially when I feel too much of a mess to show up.

Other than this stuff, it’s been work work work. I have the next four days off though, and I will fill every moment catching up on art, writing/music, and considering what to do next overall. School again or just continue searching for a different job no matter what field… I left off here with my therapist last week. Having said I would do anything not to feel trapped as I do so badly at times. I mentioned the self-injury of the past being tied to that same feeling. Some days it seems I could easily turn back and choose to do wrong, messing things up that are going well. Just because, you know? I guess it comes back to not feeling as if my life is really my own. I don’t know where I belong. Sort of like I’ve been waiting forever in a line and when my turn finally comes, I go up and see everything is already gone. I really hate that. I hate how it’s been replaying in my head.

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