On my Sunday birthday last month I went to the church with an uncle for a one hour service. It was a nice gathering space (with free coffee), but very soon into it I began to feel uncomfortable. Another person trying to convince me of their interpretation of the bible has never sat well with me. All I kept saying in my head was ‘how do you know?’ or ‘what makes you think you’re right? What if you aren’t right?’. Some subjects were brought up that made me wonder what the general political leanings are there. Over all though, I think continuing as a member would leave me the same way the choir did. I’d have to keep up a mask, with fake enthusiasm and unquestioning faith. I’ve been in a certain space for so long that I can’t latch onto certain beliefs even if I wanted to or if it made this living thing easier. I can’t have it my way, most of the time if not all.
I’ve tried working on songs and painting here and there, but it’s not as fulfilling as it used to be. My job sucks and they want more than 40 hours of my life it seems every week now. The support group is still really good to be part of, but I need something more.
I’ve started yoga. I’m working on beginners poses and trying to improve my flexibility before paying for my first class. Hope it can draw me out a little more into the community. Cincinnati just kind of sucks. It’s not easy to get to the spots where life is going on, and when you find it, the price is high or the traffic and parking are terrible. It’s hard not to say don’t bother when it comes to carrying out plans.
And still I have to get past feeling like 26=30. Or like this half dead feeling I walk around with means something more.
I just need ideas now. What haven’t I thought of yet, to do, be, try for? What’s left?