Monthly Archives: September 2015

Thank goodness.

Thank goodness I have found such a helpful therapist. I was so scared any continuance of treatment with someone new would likely show a few bad fits before the right person was settled on. But I don’t have to stress about it. I’m being given practical things to help me get a grip on my ruminations and the many habits that have taken on a life of their own.

And today I just really needed to talk. I’ve felt thrown away but the reasons don’t mach up because no one has dropped me. But I made the choice not to continue with the choir (various reasons, but mainly due to a change in location of rehearsals). Noticing I’m not someone they’d care to fight very hard to keep anyway. I was willing to bear another year of feeling out of place and being the odd ball in the group if it meant I could still sing and be part of working toward the next performance. But it also meant another year of schedule conflicts with work and never volunteering to go the extra mile with activities that didn’t involve singing…the guilt over these things. Feeling it all was a burden to me when I truly didn’t want that.

Then I met with the psychiatrist, barely for 10-15 minutes. After saying everything’s been good/well and the rest of what you know they want to hear, and then out the door I was with five months worth of refills and another appointment not until February. Yeah, if I make it there.

Anyway, I am getting my D.C. pictures together. My favorite moment was exploring the Smithsonian. Seeing the only Leonardo Da Vinci painting in North America in person was just too cool…lol Free access to the gallery of art and they let you take pictures! I couldn’t believe all the museums were free to walk into. I could just live in that entire space of the National Mall getting lost in those museums…lol

Until next time :)

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Lost Somewhere Out There

I came back from the Washington D.C. bus tour this past Monday, ill in mind and body. I felt so broken and tired when I got back home and tried to get ready for work the next day. Well when I woke up Tuesday I had a nasty cold and did call in. Spent that time at home applying for other jobs.

I’m all over the place really. There is not time to have a complete thought with creating anymore art works and waking up seems like it’s part of an awful punishment I’m sentenced to. Who would want to go about their days like this? I am learning so much more about personality disorders and the challenges ahead to change patterns that cause more problems and I wonder if it’s too hopeful of me to think what changes I make will mean something worthwhile. I feel like I’m always too late for anyone’s faith in me.

The psychiatrist has written me 5 months worth of drugs and I don’t have to see him again until February. I cringe to think about what I will be like by that time. Will I still be here trying, or will that be an appointment I choose to cancel after choosing to quit treatment? Choosing to quit trying to untangle the knot I’ve made of my life? The new therapist has help enough by challenging the difficult person I step into his office as. Treating me like I’m flesh and blood and not a wad of garbage I consider myself.

I just mean to say I need another way to go about this living. I’ve given up the choir’s demands and have stuck in there with working a job I’m nearly driven mad by. And there is no one to talk to. And night sets in and doesn’t ease up when the sun does.I’m afraid that darkness may be the only thing I ever have holding onto me, as no one else is able to.

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