It’s been a while, but a lot has gone on and I needed time to process what it all means.
I’ve had two sessions with my new therapist and it’s going well so far. The first meeting led to a diagnosis of Avoidant Personality Disorder in addition to depression. After getting my history, I was surprised with how precisely I fit with the criteria for it. I always believed there was something else beyond just depression that is contributing to what my life is. I just never had a name for it, and before, hadn’t paid much attention to my experiences/behaviors and the personality disorders. Never thinking I was “bad” enough to claim it and that it all was a true personal/character issue that was 100% my fault.
But the patterns of behavior have always been more extreme, running me off the rails. The job hopping, my over sensitivity to rejection, believing I’m trash with such low self esteem, emotional distancing because I’m afraid of being hurt or embarrassed and outcast, and every other bullet on the list…I’ve wound myself up into such a knot that changing for the better is near impossible. Personality disorders are difficult to treat and I see now just why. Some things are just too ingrained and can’t be stopped.
So my only option is figuring out some ways to make this easier to live with. I told the doctor it makes sense why I’m chronically suicidal. I begin to think if I cannot change the way I am and the distress I’m in, then I can’t keep going on. It seems like only misery ahead and I have no reason to do that to myself.
He scheduled me for another two appointments. We’ll see what happens…
Still considering if I want to continue with the choir for the upcoming season. The support group is still something I feel is right to continue. My pen pals seem to have ditched me (it’s going on three months without responses). I’m going to go back to daily sketches. Just like journal entries, it’s a way to spill emotions, to give them some use.