This is one very early drawing. I was really into swirls and thorny vines.
This is the first week in a few where the morning sadness sends me out the door to work in tears. Heading down the driveway with fear and dread as if I’m about to go and face my death. ‘How am I going to get through this?’ in mind.
I’m okay though. Giving in to it. Some things…most things I cannot change and have to hope luck, the right people and the right time comes around. I’ll never know what I really want, but it gets easier when you stop trying to fit where you were never meant to be.
I have vacation days coming up in September. Four days on a Washington D.C tour with relatives and then an extra day to recoup. August has been one bad dream with no real days of rest (I’ve had to work on into my weekends.) Hopefully the rest of the year will ease up…Hopefully I won’t still be working here come next year.
Like taking in a breath of fresh air…That’s just what it brings to my mind.
I’ve had three sessions so far with my new therapist. The goal is to help me change the way I consider myself when around others–less negative self talk, which only helps me get in my own way. But there is no real life as I go about my days, you know? I get through, barely keeping my head above water, and all to say at the end it’s for no reason.The emptiness is killing me.
I’m thinking about stopping all of this treatment. My personality is too fixed now and I felt settled after this last session that I may be a total waste of time. He has no idea how hopeless I’ve become.
And no one else cares even the slightest. And I don’t want them to now. I don’t need to be taught how to lie to myself. Maybe nothing can make me feel better. And I’m okay with that now too. I want to say goodbye and walk away so badly. I dream of that. With no way or need to go back. It would be nice to not wish my life away any longer. The past is all the proof needed that I didn’t deserve one anyway.
Now if I can be open enough to share this whole bit, he may just agree. I may just be right.
It’s been a while, but a lot has gone on and I needed time to process what it all means.
I’ve had two sessions with my new therapist and it’s going well so far. The first meeting led to a diagnosis of Avoidant Personality Disorder in addition to depression. After getting my history, I was surprised with how precisely I fit with the criteria for it. I always believed there was something else beyond just depression that is contributing to what my life is. I just never had a name for it, and before, hadn’t paid much attention to my experiences/behaviors and the personality disorders. Never thinking I was “bad” enough to claim it and that it all was a true personal/character issue that was 100% my fault.
But the patterns of behavior have always been more extreme, running me off the rails. The job hopping, my over sensitivity to rejection, believing I’m trash with such low self esteem, emotional distancing because I’m afraid of being hurt or embarrassed and outcast, and every other bullet on the list…I’ve wound myself up into such a knot that changing for the better is near impossible. Personality disorders are difficult to treat and I see now just why. Some things are just too ingrained and can’t be stopped.
So my only option is figuring out some ways to make this easier to live with. I told the doctor it makes sense why I’m chronically suicidal. I begin to think if I cannot change the way I am and the distress I’m in, then I can’t keep going on. It seems like only misery ahead and I have no reason to do that to myself.
He scheduled me for another two appointments. We’ll see what happens…
Still considering if I want to continue with the choir for the upcoming season. The support group is still something I feel is right to continue. My pen pals seem to have ditched me (it’s going on three months without responses). I’m going to go back to daily sketches. Just like journal entries, it’s a way to spill emotions, to give them some use.