Monthly Archives: June 2015

Sepia and shadows.

At Spring Grove Cemetery – October 2014

I just finished editing a decent sized collection of photos at this cemetery near my home. A full time work schedule led me to delay them until I decided I’ve had enough neglecting the only thing I live for, the real work I love to do. So, there are more of these to come along with pictures from my second trip to Chicago I went to earlier this month.

The good news of this week is my brother having been called for an interview at the place I work, which I think has the perfect sort of work he could live with for a while. I may have difficulty with the place, but he’s far more consistent than I, and he has no mood disorder complicating this whole business of living…

All I can say is I’m glad to meet with my psychiatrist next Friday. I feel disturbed for having not said all I should have at my last appointment. I think I do need to continue psychotherapy, along with my medications. Therapy helped me in the way of keeping me accountable in what I decide to do. I’m getting careless now – all but quitting the choir, intensely wanting to quit my job and say no to trying for any other job opportunities. Very close to saying no to life altogether. And I don’t believe these thoughts have much to do with my depression or side effects of the meds. It all comes from a very demoralized state of mind. I hear the exhaustion in my breathing and see it in my eyes. I need help, but even this seems a set up to disappointment. There may be no help from the outside on this.

I’m really on my own.

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All that it takes.

I thought this painting fit well with the poem song here I wrote some time ago, as well as with the discussion that went on in the support group I met with on Thursday. We spoke about how much energy it takes putting on a face for everyone when you’re experiencing depression and struggling with its symptoms. It’s an illness that I had only thought I knew well before actually absorbing myself in research and many books, explaining things I went through yet never had a name or particular answer for. Like how I’ll be really low in the morning and gradually feel better toward late afternoon, or how I could be so paralyzed and would do nothing but stare at my walls from hour to hour. Now I’m positive I’m not the only one. It isn’t just me over-thinking or imagining.

The song with piano: https://app.box.com/s/bwdqfgymzplk0f0spsl3z5h23b14vc4r

Returned

It loves my skin.
All these kisses red and sweet.
It loves the mess I’m in.
The hopelessness I need.

Battered shell I’m bruised within.
Let breathe this blood again – again.
Face the corner, all you aren’t is set aside.
Your disguise and everything it takes from you to lie.

The ghosts I’ve walked through wonder where I’ve been.
They return me from my far reach
And the loss I’ve become since.

I intend to continue going to the support group, especially as I’m still looking for a therapist to start again with. My psychiatrist has added another anti-depressant to the one I’ve been taking after I mentioned feeling as if I’m limping along now–well but not really well enough. And I omitted some stuff I should have said but was too scared to. Maybe next time. Surely.

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I got the chance to :)

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURES

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURES

Last week I went on a short tour in Chicago with my mother & aunt (mom’s birthday weekend), and while the overall trip was a hassle I won’t think back on too kindly, we did get around to make the most of the situation. While at the Navy Pier I sat for an artist to draw a color caricature of me. She took maybe 15 or 20 minutes and the whole time I kept wondering what she was going to focus on to exaggerate. The longer I sat, the shyer I became and I think she caught that perfectly in the eyes…lol Anyway, it was fun and makes me want to learn how to do caricatures. The artist was actually sitting with another to train him, giving advice between moments in her sketch about what she was doing. I tipped her  along with the bill before heading back to the tour group. I’m so glad my mother caught me before I chickened out of sitting for this. I’ll definitely do it again with another artist if ever the opportunity comes again. More Chicago photos are on the way. This week I’ve just been settling back into work and trying to absorb some new changes I’ve discussed with my doctor. I hope we’re onto something good.

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