I have been really hurting lately. My therapy session this week I didn’t consider being my last, but that’s what I allowed to happen. I felt so embarrassed by the end that bothering him anymore with my pointlessness and tears made me just say I wouldn’t be coming back. And it’s not how I wanted to say goodbye either, but it’s been more difficult to move on than I can handle. I continue to wonder when I will stop feeling like I’ve been thrown away, even while I know it makes no sense. His retiring doesn’t equal me being thrown away, but it feels that way. Rejection. Deserved and no way to be undone.
So as this shows I should continue treatment, I’ve been dragging my feet about calling for appointments with other providers. Asking myself what’s the use when I could just be at the end, going in circles, still as goal less as I was five years ago…As if I indeed should be thrown away by now.
I’ll think on it. Find some time to paint this weekend and maybe remember what it is I’m waiting for.