Monthly Archives: March 2015

Until It bleeds and bleeds…

I have posted this in the past some years back, but it is what I’ve been feeling. All day and night, unspoken, unwritten and what I’ve tried to keep contained. But when you have a mind that is not always on your side, I could try anything and it would not be enough to leave me totally safe.

I just feel like letting go. Every time this happens, what else do I do but ignore it and try again to get by. I always make it through, but for what exactly? I’m actually begging for a real answer to hang on to. Always another thing, to save my life. And I am getting tired of it.

Art is what I strive for. Fearing I’ll never be able to make the moment happen again where I see the finished work that all my energy has gone into, I approach each project with it clearly in mind that it could be my last. A real fear that one day I won’t be able to even try.

But I am still working. Pained by how slowly these things are coming together, but they are. And I’m still here with a bit of hope as Spring tries to show itself finally. If I pray at all anymore, it is only for that. Real hope that for once will not fail me.

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Losing

I have been really hurting lately. My therapy session this week I didn’t consider being my last, but that’s what I allowed to happen. I felt so embarrassed by the end that bothering him anymore with my pointlessness and tears made me just say I wouldn’t be coming back. And it’s not how I wanted to say goodbye either, but it’s been more difficult to move on than I can handle. I continue to wonder when I will stop feeling like I’ve been thrown away, even while I know it makes no sense. His retiring doesn’t equal me being thrown away, but it feels that way. Rejection. Deserved and no way to be undone.

So as this shows I should continue treatment, I’ve been dragging my feet about calling for appointments with other providers. Asking myself what’s the use when I could just be at the end, going in circles, still as goal less as I was five years ago…As if I indeed should be thrown away by now.

I’ll think on it. Find some time to paint this weekend and maybe remember what it is I’m waiting for.

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