I had a very good session with my doctor this week. No matter how fragile a thread I’m hanging on, I’m doing so in whatever ways I can. It is not easy having to accept that many difficult things about myself may never change. This acceptance often feels like intolerable terms of a life I’d rather turn in early. But along with the acceptance is patience it will not do for me to go on without. Waiting is all we’re here to do. Until that time is up as all things come to an end.
Nothing lasts forever, and I can find a certain joy to experience simply in that if nothing else. Enough to hang on.
Something I painted and gave to my mother.
I have been searching names/numbers of surrounding psychiatrists and psychologists and plan to present them to my doctor with hope he’ll recognize some names and be able to refer me to someone else for treatment. That is if I decide to continue treatment…
The progress, insights and overall feeling of support during the near 5 years I’ve been with this therapist is with me in so much of what I do and why that I’m genuinely fearful that I won’t be able to keep myself encouraged and on my own side the way I am when I have an actual person to connect to- one who’s not afraid to reach out for me where I’ve fallen in. Good luck may not be with me when searching for another provider. I don’t have much faith a good fit will be found soon and I wonder just how much patience is in me to wait for things to fall into place, if ever again. Next Wednesday is my session. He knows this is difficult for me, but I have it in me to make myself clear. I won’t waste time crying about this loss I can’t prevent. He’s done all he can for me and deserves to leave with it safe in mind that I won’t fall apart without him. Even if I don’t believe it myself, I can make him believe it.
Then who knows, maybe it all will work out okay.
I had my first full blown panic attack on Tuesday. It was right in the middle of a meeting at work. I felt nauseous, knelt on the ground because I would have dropped from the sickness, then out of nowhere my vision starts to close in and my heart begins racing. Gasping for breath and tears streaming- I couldn’t speak or control what was going on. One of my co-workers basically jumped in and helped me get outside for air and gather myself…I could tell afterward that I scared a lot of people and I was embarrassed for the attention, being the one who normally says nothing but hello and goodbye.
It was frightening to me, too. I never knew something like it could come over me so suddenly. I had been upset before the attack but nothing that would indicate it would happen. I’m confused if somehow I induced it or if the whole thing was just going to happen anyway, no matter what was on my mind that day. In any case, I hope it was a one time experience, but we’ll see. Quite a week it has been. I am now writing a short letter to the co-worker who helped me and will give that along with a jewelry piece to her out of gratitude.
This painting is small and was all for the moment. I felt a sense of betrayal over something that happened and needed very much to see red. Luckily it was paint and not my own blood this time around.
I’ve written out all the thoughts that came up during my two full days of breakdown following the news of my therapist’s retirement. The problem with my job is the time I’m left to ruminate. I can bring myself so easily to tears, and those particular days were brutal. Not 30 minutes passed without weepy eyes and a feeling inside as if something had crawled into a hole and died. Genuine grief I didn’t think I was capable of feeling anymore.
I have some questions for him next week, along with some apologies to make. Since I’ve never terminated with a therapist before like this, I’m sure more tears are in store and hopefully I can express all I need to and fix a way somehow to move forward without him to turn to any longer.
And for a little song…The beginning of a poem I wrote years back, put to a melody to pass the free time some weeks ago.
It was never best that I cover up
But I fear letting you know
And the life after if I ever let it show
That I’ve never been together
Still, your eyes come to see
And I whisper to you ‘Don’t look down.’
Approach no further – walk back out
Just one more moment and I’ll reset
I’ll be all better soon